Ration Reality

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January 17, Somewhere in Michigan:

Jean Mansel says her husband “got a phone call in a real graspy voice, over the phone, saying check your mailbox.”

Naturally, she ran right out and opened the mailbox, where she didn’t find a bomb– that wouldn’t be nearly as funny as the letter she did find :

We are holding Jesus ransom until you clean up the poopie from your wieners and trust us we see you take your wieners for long walks w/out picking up their poopie in our yards. This has upset us dearly so please clean up all the weiner poopie, if you want to see Jesus unharmed.

Sincerely,
Lindy Lane Residents

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Years ago, in a time known as “The 80s”, humanity was enlightened and entertained by a new subgenre of film. These Canadian cinematic offerings were set apart by their heavy-handed moralistic tone, actors who had no business acting, directors who had no business directing, epic heavy metal soundtracks and, usually, John Mikl Thor.

Now, to carry on the lineage of Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare, Shock ‘Em Dead, and Black Roses, comes Michael Keeves’ and Josh Clark’s Rock ‘n’ Roll Crazy Night - an 80s-centric short about evil rocker Cain, whose nefarious plan is to brainwash the town of Rock Haven’s youths into becoming his long-haired, sleeveless t-shirt-wearing minions. It is up to a group of high-school friends and their wise public school-employed janitor to stop the evil plot. (more…)

I’m too lazy to write, so look at these nifty pictures I found:

A Child’s Guide to Nihilism is available at GreenAnarchy.org for the low, low price of $2. (more…)

Deviant wrote this for us, while awaiting the coming of Tan.

Anonymous Attacks Scientology
or
How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Religious Persecution

I suggest we start to get this idea of “religious persecution” as a bad thing out of our collective thoughts.

We hear all about how the pilgrims came over here because they were persecuted, but we all know deep down in our hearts that they kind of deserved it.

The pilgrims were assholes.

I think our society can afford to religiously persecute several fringe members of our society like the Mormons, the Scientologists, and ITT Tech graduates, and they should be persecuted just a tad bit. I’m not calling for mass genocide or anything barbaric like that, but the following news story of “persecution” I think is comparable to a light playful hazing: (more…)

Coal Mining. It’s hard to imagine what would make someone hunch over at the waist or even crawl on hands and knees through a hole dug into a mountain with dangerous, unwieldy machinery, all the while praying that you won’t end up getting a hand torn off by a “seam ripper”, flooded by runoff or crushed by a collapsing column of overhead rock. And, if that’s not enough to make someone up his life insurance benefit, there’s always the deadly gases that can cause violent explosions deep within a mountainside. Well, when you live in Mingo, Logan or Boone County (among others) in West Virginia, you know the answer to that. You do it because it might be the only opportunity you might have to make a living and provide well for your family. Some geographical areas of the State are sustained– economically, at least– almost exclusively by the mining industry. Sure, you might work as an X-Ray technician, railroad track supervisor or grocery clerk, but your job is still tied to to coal mining, directly or otherwise. (more…)

If ’shit eating grin’ is ever a word-of-the-week post, this guy will be our shining example. 

iJoyRide(nDirty): You know you want one. (more…)

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Creative? Bored? Horny? Boy, do I have somethin’ for you!
Homemade Sex Toys - DIY dildos for DIY sex!

The toys on the site are broken down into 2 categories: Toys for Men and Toys for Women. With 12 entries in the men’s category, and only 3 for the ladies (I’m not counting “blanket pull” –  that’s just lame), the website seems bent towards the male reader.  The illustrations totally make up for it: (more…)

Canada puts US on its shit list, we find the list, Canada says “Oh my god, like I’m sooo sorry, America! It was a mistake! You’re like totally my BFF! Don’t be mad at me!”

The Shit List, or “Torture List” as it’s being called around the mainstream media, is part of a Torture Awareness Course– a power point presentation designed to train diplomats to recognize prisoner abuse. It seems we were included on the list for “forced nudity, isolation and sleep deprivation” at our Guantanamo Bay slumber party.  Sheesh, Canada — who put your bra in the freezer?

“It contains a list that wrongly includes some of our closest allies. I have directed that the manual be reviewed and rewritten,” back peddles Maxime Bernier, Canada’s Minister of Foreign Affairs. Notice he doesn’t say we don’t torture, just that it’s ok when ’cause we’re in the same clique.

Welcome to 8th Grade World Diplomacy. Our little Canadia is growing up!  Seriously, Canada. You need to Git’Mo’ balls. (more…)