Ration Reality

Doll: Hey ya, baby!
Baby: Hi ya, doll!
Doll: Give us a kiss, cutie.
Baby: How’s about we play house, dollface.

Spoiler: (more…)

Consider this hypothetical: You’re a graduate student studying aerospace engineering and things are cranking along fine when your campy little musical project begins to take off. EMI and Creative Artists are calling your home phone number and you still have a statics dissertation to work on. It is apparent that you must make a choice between 2 engaging, potentially-lucrative careers: one working out differential equations for uniform accelleration thrust and one doing lines of blow off of a hot blonde’s backside during drum solos. We all know which one Brian May chose more than 30 years ago (although the groupie/coke scenario may not have been a part of his rock star experience, I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

(more…)

The media portrays serial killing as all glitz, glamour, and bludgening. I’ll admit, it is the best job I’ve ever had, but the downsides are killers. Oh, lookie! A pun! I kill me!

And you thought a sociopath couldn’t have a sense of humor! Doesn’t it just make you want to bite your face off?

Ok, enough good natured fun. Here’s my list.

12 things I hate about being a serial-killer

1.  Cheating ass maggots. Sure, they tickle my hoohoo lovingly when I’m riding a stiff corpse, but then they go and turn in to flies and fly away to find another body-closet keep them warm at night. Ungrateful fucking sluts.

2. Cheap, chinese made icepicks. I can’t tell you how many living dolls I’ve lost to inferior icepicks breaking off in the eyesocket. Well, I could tell you, but then I’d have to… you know.

3. Charity Thrift Shop Workers. Serial killing is messy work. I often have to burn my clothes to expunge evidence. Also, I like to dress up my playthings. I have to replace my wardrobe several times over each year — that can be expensive! The Goodwill and Salvation Army are big helps, and I’m glad the money I spend goes to help the community, but the people there are seriously creepy.

4. The police artist sketch makes me look fat. Also, like a man.   (more…)

Hypnotist Gives New Meaning to Phrase “Italian Job”

At times, checkout counters can have a hypnotic effect on us. There’s a rack of tabloid gossip rags shouting in our faces. The dissonant screams and bellows of kids that create waveforms that turn our minds inside-out. There’s the elderly lady in front of the line who’s trying to haggle the cashier over a dented soup tin and the scary revelation of just how many types of gum there are. No wonder our brains try to take us away from the horror of it all.

To wit, a customer in Italy is trying to further enhance the otherworldly checkout experience for his own fun and profit. Closed Circuit Television footage taken from a supermarket and a bank in Italy’s Marche region have shown a patron placing tellers into a suggestive hypnotic state and defrauding them of hundreds of Euros each. So effective was the trance that many of the employees didn’t realize what had happened until they were ready to count their tills at the end of their shifts. (more…)

(more…)

 Behold, more actual ads ‘n such, captured from my journeys in the bizarre realm of….

…THE INTERNETS

mmmm….certified organic Labradoodles

(more…)

 
Michigan Police Search for Stolen Beer Costume

Detroit–Metro cops are uniting behind a heinous case the likes of which haven’t been seen in the notorious city before. Could they be investigating a septuple-homicide on the west end? A massive drug ring? A serial arsonist? Nahhh! This is Detroit we’re talking about. There aren’t enough police resources in the whole department to handle all the “serious” crimes that happen in this unfortunate city, plus the cops there know that those things usually take care of themselves, anyway. (more…)

9 movies that suck but you have to see them anyway because everyone else has and you’ll never know what people are talking about unless you suffer through them

1. Men in Black

Ever pull the wing off a fly? Care to see the fly get even?

Oh noes! There are aliens living among us, being all allegorical about race relations! Someone call the Mib Squad: The first, last, and only line of defense against the most ham-fisted metaphors in the universe!

2. Titanic
The unsinkable ship is sinking! Fortunately, I have a doctorate in applied physics and have spent years calculating the specific counter-intuitive actions that will save us from just such an event! (later…) Oh, sweet forced irony! I died anyway! (more…)

Do not abandon yourselves to despair.
We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song.
-Pope John Paul II

Happy Easter.
I’m ovulating. Festive, no?

I am an artist.

Deviant wrote this for us, because he thinks about vaginas kind of alot. 

I believed everyone knew that the Catholic depiction of the Virgin Mary was based on a vagina, that is until I informed my friend Bagel about this belief and she expressed shock.

Let me explain…

As a raised Catholic, my connection with the Virgin Mary is a doozy. In the Catholic faith the Virgin Mary is treated like a goddess, though the church would claim otherwise, calling her a mortal that rose to heaven is semantics.

In Catholicism, there were special prayers sent to the Virgin Mary that were on par with prayers you would send to Jesus (or baby jesus if you were feeling especially kawaii).

The Virgin Mary is a loving force to be reckoned with in Catholic dogma. It was an honor for latin mothers, aunts, and grandmothers to give their children symbols of Our Lady of Guadalupe, the Mexican version of the Virgin Mary. My mother gave me an Our Lady of Guadalupe medallion; which was slightly odd because she hates Mexicans, but I figured that her home country of Guatemala couldn’t afford a Virgin Mary of their own. (more…)