Ration Reality Comics: Dotty’s Mom, fixed
You bitch, we listen.
The last comic we posted was a bit too hard to read for some folks, especially when sized down for sharing. We’re still learnin’ here folks.
Our awesomful artist, Jesse Custer, has resized to 700×233, and changed the font.
As to not confuse hotlinkers with the new size, we’ve left the original alone (here), and fixed up a whole spankin new post for ya.
We met Dotty briefly in our last comic. Now we see her again, and meet both her mom and her next door neighbor Rocky.
Share code: To share this picture with the world, copy the code in the box, paste it into blogs, forums, myspace, ect.
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Juanita the Wonton Bitch
Last night, while eating delicious pseudo-chinese cuisine, I made a new friend and wrote a haiku about her.
Loyal and faithful,
my nutritious deep fried pet.
Rangoon is good glue.
White People Need Not Apply, says Mass. Cabinet Secretary
Well now. It’s always entertaining to read when government officials say stupid shit, but this is some of the most egregiously stupid shit I’ve read about in a very long time. I mean, it’s on a par with ‘nucular’ for just outright stupidity, and it could qualify for a whole new category of prize, since it represents the official position of a department of government.
From the Worcester Business Journal:
Suzanne M. Bump, Massachusetts secretary of labor and workforce development, said she could staff her entire operation with solely white lawyers
[snip]
“I could fill my office with white lawyers,” Bump said. “We’re choked with applications from them. But they’re not going to get the job done.”
[snip]
Bump offered her remarks last week at a forum on diversity in the workplace held in Natick, co-sponsored by the MetroWest Alliance for Workforce Diversity and the MetroWest Chamber of Commerce
Now, I’m just gonna jump right out here and call bullshit. Isn’t the whole idea of our anti-discrimination laws that the color of your skin does not determine whether or not you can ‘get the job done?’ I mean, anyone that works in Human Resources in any capacity will tell you that you don’t get to pick who you hire or let go based on their race, gender, age, or what body part they’d rather get fucked with. And now a government official not only steps up to the plate and (a) admits that it’s her practice to do so, but also (b) extols it as the only way to ‘get the job done?’
Some people believe that the concept of ‘reverse discrimination’ or ‘reverse racism’ does not exist, and quite frankly that it cannot exist. To those people, I offer up this challenge with respect to the above-linked article. Re-read it, but every time that the word ‘white’ appears, substitute ‘hispanic’ or ‘African-American.’ Are you finished yet? Now are you pissed? Great.
This is not about white power, or supremacy, or any other bullshit about how white people are better … it’s just about equal fucking protection. Same rights that everyone else gets. It is flat out fucking illegal to discriminate against anyone based on race. For the Massachusetts laws, see Title XXI. For Federal laws, shit. Title VII of the CRA, and the CRA of 1991 are good places to start. Hell, Massachusetts is working on some new laws prohibiting height / weight discrimination. Watch out - in a little bit here, the whole ‘you must be this tall to ride’ or ‘weight limit: 600 pounds’ may be illegal! But … it’s perfectly legal to not hire white lawyers because ‘they’re not going to get the job done.’
Interdimensional Mice from Planet Invisible!
A silly little poem that I’ve decided to retire. May it rest well.
Originally published in: Aberrant Dreams - Issue # 6, Winter 2005/2006
Interdimensional Mice from Planet Invisible!
The Metal Diaries, part 1: Fuckin’ Metallic A
Dear Diary,
When I was in eighth grade, Metallica’s “… And Justice For All” ruled my and nearly every other adolescent within spitting distance of me’s life. Girls, boys, black, white, Catholic, Jew, Zoroastrian, you name it. Kids who weren’t even real Metalheads clung to their cassette tapes like priests at the apocalypse. Our school was overtaken by the epic, crushing riffs, solos, double kick drums and wooden yelling that make Metallica, well, Metallica. I myself had merely dabbled in the Metal arts at this point. In sixth grade I discovered Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” along with every other junior hescher at PS 159 in New York City’s Bayside, Queens. This city/hood/borough was left behind for supposedly greener pastures on the strong and Long Island.
There I was introduced to Slayer, more specifically what is still one of my favorite Metal songs, “Angel of Death“. But on the reals, I hadn’t really dove in head first into the deep end of the Metal swimming pool. “… And Justice For All” was the first Metal album that I took into my heart and gut. I felt it deep down in a funny place. I digested it whole and absorbed every Metal nutrient I could find in the rich and powerful fibers of it’s being. I truly believed that this was as close to perfect as a record could get. Living in Alaska as I did at the time, the pervasive darkness, the desolate nature of things and the ever present sense of doom weighed so heavily upon me that I, at age 13, was sure I would die. “… And Justice For All” came out just as I was about to lose the fight. Waking up to the creeping, sinewy guitar lines that are the intro to “Blackened” seemed to give me the strength to continue the fight. I fought on and eventually triumphed over that frozen nightmare, a task that seemed next to impossible when I arrived wide-eyed from big, bad New York. Now I’m grown and I want to examine this record, this document, to see what it was that I saw, what inspired me to engage in open warfare with such a hostile enemy.
Television Wrap-Up for 6/13: NBC ‘Last Comic Standing’ Premiere
Tonight was the season premiere for season 5 of Last Comic Standing. I somehow managed to miss out on season 1 of this show, but watched seasons 2 and 3 religiously. Season 4 managed to fly completely under my radar - not quite sure how - which leads us to season 5.
I really wanted to hate Bill Bellamy for hosting it instead of Jay Mohr, but he actually did a better job than I expected, so that was good. He wasn’t memorable, but he was competent. The judges for the auditions are three of the season 2 / 3 contestants - Alonzo Bodden, noted internet gay sex peddler Ant, and Kathleen Madigan - and they were just as funny as ever. (In Kathleen’s case, that means ‘not very.’)
The New York City auditions were a severe disappointment. It’s hard to believe that the Big Apple’s vein of comedy has been tapped dry, but … the product they brought up was pretty disappointing. Six contestants from NYC were chosen to move on. They were:
1. Dwayne Kennedy. Black gentleman, fucking hilarious. He might unfortunately get tagged as self-hating, though: his jokes mostly played off racial stereotypes relating to black men. He was definitely the funniest of the people from New York, and I’ll be keeping an eye on this one.
Ration Reality Comics: Dotty’s Mom Has Got It Goin’ On!
We met Dotty briefly in our last comic. Now we see her again, and meet both her mom and her next door neighbor Rocky.
Share code: To share this picture with the world, copy the code in the box, paste it into blogs, forums, myspace, ect.
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Advice from Discouragement Kitten
One of my favorite bloggers, Discouragement Kitten, has been kind enough to lend us the use of one of her blog entries. If you leave some comments, she might lend us another!
-bagel
Incomprehensible Cum Guzzling Hotard
Question:
Dear DK,
I was with this cocksucker, for almost a year. Would of bet my life that I was the only one he was fucking. Until, a few months ago. He moved, got his own place (he has some serious co-dependency issues) then all of a sudden the baby’s mama drama started. Out of nowhere this bitch starts bringing the kids for the weekend, which if you couldn’t guess she stays with them. The cocksucker tried to lie about the whole situation to begin with, but me being the crazy bitch that I am, did a drive by, he was caught, so he tried a new approach, telling me that she was coming. I fell for the cocksucker’s lies for a while.
Sopranos Without Papers
First of all, let me say this: FUCK YOU ALL. (Except for The Bagel of Everything who is not only the h.b.i.c., but also a conscientious objector to The Sopranos).
Was I the only one who watched that horrendous fucking mess of shit, blood and cum that preceded that totally debatable debacle of an ending? Chase’s attempt to tie everything up with a little yellow ribbon was like a rape joke at an open mic night on a Sunday in the fucking Vatican.
You know what woulda satisfied me? A.J. getting blown by the teenybopper and both of them being subsequently BLOWN UP IN THE FIREBALL to the throbbing bass line of Outkast’s Bombs Over Baghdad
Next, Carmella’s spec house is picked up by a tornado which sends it twirling through the air only to crush her and her stupid Porsche Cayenne (aka the gayest car ever), leaving her tacky acrylic nails hanging out from underneath. Janice finds this seeming disaster and eats a dozen canolli’s from Ferrara’s (best in town, trust me), then takes a huge candy-coated shit in Carmella’s cold dead hand to the strains of Whoomp! There it is! by Washington, D.C.’s own, Tag Team.
Then we have sweet, sweet Meadow… sweet, charmed, spoiled stupid, stupid, stupid Meadow… go to med school, go to law school, go to taxidermy school for all I fucking care, so long as you die a slow, painful and gruesome death. Something Coen Brothers… something with a garden tool… like a weed whacker! That’s the one! She goes to home depot to get glass rods so she can hand blow herself a new dildo and she runs into Phil’s nephew’s daughter’s step-son’s S.A.T. prep coach’s assistant pencil sharpener who recognizes her from Cum Catcher Weekly and asks for an autograph. Meadow is annoyed but begrudgingly obliges. But it’s not enough for the intrepid young pencil sharpener known to his close friends as Puke Skyhooker. PS lures the dimwitted Soprano into the garden supply aisle and whips out his newly acquired cordless weed whacker. The plodding, awful beheading begins sending screams throughout the airplane hanger-like mall of tools. The staff pursue the sound but when they arrive to see PS’s artistry, they applaud and give him an orange vest.
Then, the sound fades away and the screen goes black…
Cut to Tony skipping down the street and whistling Simon and Garfunkel’s Bridge Over Troubled Waters
The End.
-jody
Go team us!
Ok, kids. We’re the new kids on the blog block, and Go Ogle is still shitting itself over our domain change. Still, our stats show some interesting searches which have led readers to us. Here are a few for which we are the number one result:
- radiohead+ginsberg+sodomy
If you were the person who did that search, please, just tell me, WTF were you trying to find?! - Communal baths - Germany
Google summary’s placement of the ellipses makes the article far more interesting than it is. Perhaps the engine could edit for us? - share lolcats on myspace
Being number 2 is awesome. Being numbers 1 & 2 is awesomer! Being above icanhascheezburger.com makes me kinda sad. We loves cheez! - Nazism illegal in germany
It is, ya know - you’re worthless poems
Dear searcher: Did you mean “your”, or are you calling me a verse without value? Either way, really. Just curious. - “heidi montag” “swinging by her ankles”
We are the only result for this one. We got the scoop, bitches! - bad high school poetry metaphors
And there’s more where that came from, baby! - literacy critique on J.D. Salinger
Where Salinger is involved, I must say that ‘literacy’ is not the wrong word. Catcher is definitely *not* ‘literary’. - Hanuka music torrents
In Jesus we trust. All others we pirate. - my tapes, “let me show you them”
We’re actually both the top 1 and top 2! Go team us!
A new Ration Reality comic strip will be posted tomorrow. You should probably skip work and stay home, repeatedly refreshing our site, and be the first to see it.
-bagel
