Friends with Knives
Last night I dreamed that I had a friend who worked at a disposable plastic utensil factory. She brought me a case of reject knives that had been made too sharp. They were sharp indeed, like Ginzu sharp.
I wish I had a friend like that. It would be awesome.
The possible spoon malformities have amused me all day.
| You Are a Pinky |
 You are fiercely independent, and possibly downright weird. A great communicator, you can get along with almost anyone. You are kind and sympathetic. You support all your friends – and love them for who they are.You get along well with: The Ring Finger. Stay away from: The Thumb |
-bagel
-random- -submit- -comic- -technorati- -del.icio.us- -digg it!-
Official Campaign Headquarters – Zombie Reagan 2008
*FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE*
Saturday, 07 July 2007
Washington, DC
In a press conference held today at near the base of the Washington Monument, it was announced that the reanimated corpse of Ronald Wilson Reagan (R – California) will be running for President of the United States in the 2008 election.
The spokespersons for the Committee for the Election of the Reanimated Corpse of Ronald Reagan stated that the campaign was in its early phases. They were not ready at this time to make any disclosures about their campaign financing, but stated that ‘funds are really low,’ and that it would be very expensive to hire a competent practitioner of Voodoo in order to raise the corpse and maintain it in a non-decomposing state.
The 2008 Zombie Reagan campaign’s official headquarters will be co-located with the noted “humor” and sarcasm blog Ration Reality.
The motivation behind the campaign is clear: ”The Republican Party today simply doesn’t have very many good choices. McCain might as well just switch his party affiliation – he’s a jackass by nature, might as well start using the symbol, too. Romney, he’s a little bit of a space cadet,” said Ration Reality Spokesman Jesse Custer.
Bagel of Everything fielded the Giuliani question: “I don’t like him. He fucks around on his wife entirely too much, and besides, he smells like stale pepperoni.”
When asked about Fred Thompson, Custer had this to say: “On the face of it, Senator Thompson seems like the best candidate of the currently living. People are comparing him to Ronald Reagan. That’s why we thought, ‘why bother with a copy, when we can just go to the source,’ so we decided to simply raise the corpse of Reagan himself.”
One of the potential campaign slogans being discussed is ‘Better a Corpse than a Clinton,’ which can be purchased on a bumper sticker (pictured below) available from campaign headquarters for a nominal fee.
Further information will be distributed as it becomes available. Campaign volunteers are requested to sign up at the bottom of this page. Press inquiries may be directed HERE.
The following banner is available for use as a signature for email, in forums, and other manners of display.
Sharecode: Copy/paste this code to put the Zombie Reagan banner on your site!
Endangered Pleasures, Sex, Shit, and Yo Momma
4 more books I’d read, if I read books.
See Also: Books that exist
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How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way? I think constricting anus 100 times and denting navel 100 times in succession everyday is effective to good-bye depression and take back youth. You can do so at a boring meeting or in a subway. I have known 70-year-old man who has practiced it for 20 years. As a result, he has good complexion and has grown 20 years younger. His eyes sparkle. He is full of vigor, happiness and joy. He has neither complained nor born a grudge under any circumstance. Furthermore, he can make love three times in succession without drawing out. In addition, he also can have burned a strong beautiful fire within his abdomen. It can burn out the dirty stickiness of his body, release his immaterial fiber or third attention which has been confined to his stickiness. Then, he can shoot out his immaterial fiber or third attention to an object, concentrate on it and attain happy lucky feeling through the success of concentration. If you don’t know concentration which gives you peculiar pleasure, your life looks like a hell. |
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Endangered Pleasures: In Defense of Naps, Bacon, Martinis, Profanity, and Other Indulgences First cigars and gin topped the list. Then red meat, Cadillacs, coffee with caffeine, and sleeping late all began to edge toward extinction. Barbara Holland makes an impassioned defense of life’s little pleasures in a book that will entertain diehard sinners, comfort the secretly licentious, and encourage those who just need a little nudge to abandon jogging and no-fat salad dressing. “Perhaps it’s a good time to reconsider pleasure at its roots,” declares Holland (Secrets of the Cat), introducing this collection of entertaining, genteel meditations. As the subtitle hints, the author, living in the Virginia countryside, is no sybaritic renegade but a woman who can find happiness in antinomies like “Working” and “Not Working,” “Buying Things” and “Saving Money,” and “Going Out” and “Staying In.” She writes with conversational ease, and some observations linger: To the miserly, “a penny spent is a penny mourned”; mail is “one of life’s small recurring pleasures”; sports, “unlike life, are played according to rules.” Holland even reveals that she drives without using her seat belt. Illustrations. |
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A Portrait of Yo Mama as a Young Man Yo mama sucks. For years, everyone has talked about yo mama, pointing out her failings in important areas such as appearance, mental capacity, and weight. Now, two researchers and retired sewer cartographers have spent over a decade investigating yo mama, assembling a wide range of evidence against her. They stalked, photographed, and studied the horrible woman who brought you into this world—yo mama—then compiled their findings. Here is some of the evidence you will find in A PORTRAIT OF YO MAMA AS A YOUNG MAN: yo mama’s résumé, her last will and testament, her internet searches, personals she has placed, e-mails yo mama wrote to you while you were in college, and numerous charts and graphs. From this thorough and authoritative work you will learn facts such as: Yo mama says “comprised” when she means “composed,” as in, “I am comprised mostly of grease and sugar.” Yo mama’s so lupine, she chases rabbits. I had sex with yo mama and it was horrible. Just a horrible, horrible time. If nervous tics were pizzas, yo mama would have five pizzas that freak everybody out. |
I Hate Telemarketers…
But I’m not as creative as this guy.
Most creative thing I’ve ever done was try and get the annoying fuckers to have phone sex with me. Now, granted, that did get them to stop calling me … most of them. Read the rest of this entry »
Douchebag of the Year Nominee: Judge Julian Hall, QC
We’re going to be getting into the swing of our 2007 ‘Douchebag of the Year’ tournament pretty soon here, folks. Even though we’ve already got a pretty strong contender in the person of Mr. President Tothian: Threatener of Female Bloggers, we wanted to populate the field with a broad and varied selection of douchebags from among whom you, the reader, will be able to vote and pick Ration Reality’s official Douchebag of the Year. Voting will happen sometime on down the line, once we have enough candidates.
Now, at Ration Reality, we are first and foremost a comedy site. We are experienced in the art of finding humor in the mundane, the grim, and at times the downright fucking awful. You want vomit? No problem! You want Neo-Nazis? We got it covered! You want incest? It’s here!
If you had asked me a few days ago whether I could make the rape of a fucking ten year old girl funny, I would have said something along the lines of ‘*vomit* get the fuck out of my sight!’ Now, sure, I made a comic strip that had some child molestation innuendo in it, but even then – in the end it turns out that the little girl is just ordering a cheeseburger.
But this guy.
This judge.
A ten year old girl got raped in a park and he made a fucking joke out of it.
AJ Valliant Arbitrarily Ranks: The Nations of the World.
A second submission from A.J. Valliant!
If you’ve never visited BeatsEntropy, you suck. Go there now, read, and stop sucking.
-bagel
Let me tell you something: The nations of the world have been getting free ride here at Beats Entropy for too long. In our early stages I was willing to allow them to coast on reputation and meaningless U.N. surveys (when assessing their relative worth). I fear this laissez-faire approach has given them a false sense of security in regards to our affection; made some of them let themselves go to a unacceptable degree. Time to rectify the situation.I present you with the inaugural edition of:
AJ Valliant arbitrarily ranks the Nations of the World.
The system goes as such: I rank each country by a highly scientific set of criteria I have chosen, producing an end score that reflects my assessment of them.
Real Life Superheroes: Tothian Strikes Back!
STOP THE PRESSES! The man, the mystery, the enigma, known as SUPERHERO has spoken!
Here at Ration Reality, we take threats very seriously. Very seriously indeed. And all the moreso when the threats come from a superhero!
As a result of some of our recent posts, exposing the subculture of underwear perverts (these can be found HERE and HERE, and as always, thanks to contributor Hurricane Sluttina for writing the original piece), there’s been some bad blood between us at Ration Reality and the league known as the HEROES NETWORK. Sadly, after an honest attempt to open a dialogue with them, Bagel and I were both banned from their site.
This is the email that I received:
Bagel received a similar one, and it appears that Tothian would prefer to save the really harsh language for use on girls. Read the rest of this entry »
Ration Reality Comics: A Little Bit of the Old In-N-Out!
Check out the rest of our comics!
Please support us: visit our profile on The Web Comic List and click back to our site! This will help us move further up the rankings!
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Lolstranauts be in your spaces
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Jesse and my bagelicious self started working on these a month ago, and kinda…forgot. I think we’re the first to do this. If anyone else has done it, please let us know so we can share in the lols! |
Real Life Superheroes: The Revenge
STOP THE PRESSES! The man, the mystery, the enigma, known as SUPERHERO has spoken!
THE SEQUEL TO THIS POST CAN BE FOUND HERE.
The other day was one of those rare occasions when none of the four of us had anything to say, so we threw up a post from a guest author, the inestimable Hurricane Sluttina. Her post was about Real Life Superheroes. It didn’t attract that much notice for us at the time – presumably anyone who wanted to read it had already read it, over at her blog.
But then came Zetaman.
