Ration Reality

Here at RationReality headquarters, we have a nifty little box that tells us the search engine terms you filthy fuckers have used to find us. You should be ashamed of yourselves. I’m going to tell your moms.

• mature hanging labia
• slut delivery girl
• pelvic exam movie
• mail genital tattoos
• modesto hookers
• self-performed oral sex (more…)

I miss my Atari. I had two, growing up. First one was second or third-hand: one of the 1976 6-switch ‘Video Computer Systems,’ then later (after the first one wore out) I got a 4-switch one at a yard sale. So much fun. Phoenix. Vanguard. Chopper Command. Defender. Missile Command. Asteroids. Boxing. And of course, the classic … Space Invaders.

My dad is a sucker for forwarded Spam emails. It doesn’t really matter what it is - everything from ’send this to 10 people or a meteor will fall on your house’ all the way up to the classic ‘Bill Gates will give you a nickel for everyone you send this to.’ If it’s out there, and it’s a stupid annoying bullshit chain-spam, my dad has sent it to me. And I’ve gotten pissed about it. Pissed enough that I’ve come really fucking close to putting him on my spam filter.

But that all changed yesterday, when my dad sent me this one.

It seems that some time in the somewhat recent past (say, sometime since the development of color photography), a couple in Montana went out for a ride on their ranch. I don’t know what the wife was riding, but the husband was riding a mule. They had their dogs following along with them.

Any road, they got jumped by a mountain lion that decides he’d like to try the hound dog tartare. This turns out to be a really, really stupid fucking idea. The guy gets off his mule, and he’s going to take a shot in the air, try and scare off the lion. The mule, however, says ‘don’t worry about it, dude - I’ve got this one handled.’

In this first picture, the email claims that the cat was alive and trying to fight back as the mule whipped it around in circles, smashing its head against rocks and such.

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Yo momma is like a brick: heavy, hard, and laid by mexicans.
Yo momma so crazy, she makes pi look rational
Yo momma so greasy, she uses bacon as a band aid.
Yo momma such a dog, she licks peanut butter off yo cock
Yo momma so gullible, she goes to church every Sunday.
Yo momma so dumb her shoes say TGIF - toes go in front
Yo momma so broke, one time she splurged on a can of soup with the label still on it.
Yo momma such a cocktease, Soylent Ape is raping her right now
Yo momma so skanky she gives family discounts.
Yo momma so trash, she goes to community collige

(more…)

In late March, Ann Arbor police were summoned to the Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity house at the University of Michigan. 

This hardly seems newsworthy, as frat houses are usually noisy, filthy, alcohol-soaked dens of iniquity. However, this was not about drinking on the lawn or having the band turn down the mains. 

No, this concerned an unaffiliated female interloper who sat down, disrobed and began masturbating, unconcerned by the many members hanging at the house that evening. 
Now, it’s been a few years since I turned my tassel and did a celebratory kegstand, but I have to ask: What kind of soft, sensitive, weak-kneed frat boy would call the cops in this situation? 

I always think of frat guys as Greek system gods, wearing their letters proudly on cockeyed baseball caps and playing their Limp Bizkit CDs loud enough for the whole campus to hear (how nice of them). 

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One of my favorite new sites is Overheard in New York.   This is basically a quote log.  People come here and enter in things that they’ve heard people say on the streets, the buses, and the subways of New York City.   Here is a small sample.

This makes me glad my employees are disorganized.  Wait, no.  Unorganized.  Still not right.  They’re not in a fucking union, anyway.

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 Offensive cartoon clips, mashed up with White Zombie’s More Human then Human.

It could only be better if it featured transexual midgets in blackface…

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Some light reading.
All reviews taken from Amazon.com.

SS & M: Being excerpts from the Nazi Death-Head files Jordann Smith, THE BISHOP OF GRUNEWALD: A TALE FROM THE DUNGEON. “Maltese channels the Marquis de Sade for this one! Painfully good reading!”Book Description THERE ARE SECRETS! Jews, like Marta and Megan, know them. THE FATHERLAND DEMANDS THEM! Nazis, like SS Colonel Saber and Major Sonnenburg, want to know them, have to know them, see not knowing them as a threat to the purity of the Aryan nation. NO ONE CAN STAND IN THE WAY! That Jews like Melissa (”M”) haven’t got a clue makes no difference at all to Nazi Captain Stahlhelm, who thinks she does. ANY AND ALL MEANS ARE JUSTIFIED! There’s a plague loose within civilized society that needs to be ferreted out and destroyed. Anyone who stands in the way of the Final Solution will be eliminated-with prejudice! HEIL HITLER! Bagel note: What in the holy fuck?!

How To Pick Up Japanese Chicks And Doom Your Immortal Soul This brave, occasionally moving and often hilarious memoir traces Muggins’s relationships with Japanese women over the course of two decades. Few books set in contemporary Asian societies have been as successful at pulling the reader into the cultural milieu and making the foreign familiar. The author protests perhaps too strongly that How to Pick Up Japanese Chicks. should not be mistaken for a self-help manual. In fact the smiles, the belly-laughs, the wistful there but for the grace of God go I nodding that every page elicits testify that it is the best sort of therapy for anyone suffering from relationship fatigue anywhere, anytime.

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… but the Japanese are fucking strange people.

My Japanese is a little rusty, but I’m pretty sure the translation on this works out sorta like this:

 Girl:  My boyfriend spends all his time reading tentacle-rape Manga and groping schoolgirls on the train, so he has no time to touch my breasts anymore.  I have come here, Honorable Monkey-San, to offer my body to you.

Monkey: You fucking sicken me, and your breasts are cheap and paltry works of silicon.  Yet I shall still offer you a kiss as a consolation, because I am King Monkey!

A contribution from Citizen Prime. Please visit him at WorldWide Heroes Organization.

 If you haven’t been following the Real Life Super Heroes’ drama, you can catch up with these posts (don’t forget the comments, as they tell half the story).

• Real Life SuperHeroes
• Real Life Superheroes: The Revenge
• Real Life Superheroes: Tothian Strikes Back!
• Real Life Superheroes: The Other Side

-bagel

Today, the world needs heroes more than ever. In 1945, being a good man meant standing up for your neighbor as well as your country. It meant doing the right thing, and everyone knew what the right thing was. World War II was, arguably, our hour of greatest need and it bred men of amazing conviction and character as they fought against Hitler and what was called the Axis Powers. Today we are being attacked by a modern day axis of evil that threatens all freedom loving people.

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