Concert Notes: The Bruce Willis Blues Band - Tachi Palace Casino
My wife has never met a slot machine that she didn’t like. Sadly, her love is very nearly always unrequited.
Her love does, however, occasionally get us free shit. It’s been a while - 8 or 9 months - since we’d been to Tachi Palace, as it’s quite a drive to get there for us, and because quite frankly it sucks. But, the other day we received a voucher in the mail for free tickets to see the Bruce Willis Blues Band perform live. There would be complimentary beverages and food offered, so that was quite a selling point. (more…)
A little somethin for the ladies
and approx 10% of the gents, if the census is to be trusted.
Surely you folks know by now that we are never safe for work, right?
Hip-Hop Hitler
I’ve been noticing a disturbing new trend emerging on the electronic eye candy whoremonger known as YouTube. At the time of my first exposure to this phenomenon, it was so shocking and, simultaneously, surreal that I didn’t believe my lying -ass eyes. Apparently, the O.G. Oppressor, the Autocratic Austrian come to represent evil incarnate is making a comeback in a most unlikely medium: Hip Hop music!
Yes, MC Adolf the Aryan is here to drop some eugenics on ya asses. “What the Fuck?”, you say. I understand your incredulity. For instance, all this time, I thought that Hitler was perpetually getting his rectum ruptured in Hell–what with all the ass-rape and everything. Apparently, all those genetic experiments back in the 40s worked, because ol’ Adolf looks remarkably spry for a 118 year-old Aryan. (more…)
Ripped From the Headlines … of Pravda
Pravda is a Russian word meaning ‘truth.’ It is also a leading Russian newspaper. During the Soviet era, Pravda was the state-owned propaganda outlet. I would like to believe that today’s Pravda is simply a joke publication, in much the same vein as The Onion. Sadly, this is not the case.
Today, we’re going to take a look at some recent stories from the online English edition of Pravda. Just to avoid confusion here, everything you’re about to read is an actual, genuine published news story from Pravda. My own comments are interspersed.
Another Human Civilization May Live Inside Earth’s Hollows
Experts of the hollow Earth theory are certain that the planet has several magnetic fields. They also say that aurora polaris is gas that oozes out through the thin earth crust on the poles of the planet. What is more, followers of the idea emphasize that compasses get absolutely mad when approaching the poles. Many researchers also add that warm winds often blow from the north which proves that large hollows may exist there.
Now, in all fairness, they do present the opposing viewpoint as well. I think the translator was drunk, so I’m not sure really what the final conclusion of the article is.
Time Proves: US Made Weapons Are Not Reliable
A nation buys arms to win the war, not the prize at the air show. Decades prove that it is hardly possible to win the war with the US made arms …
Oh really, now? I think there’s a whole bunch of dead Arabs, Vietnamese, North Koreans, and Germans that might disagree with you on that point. I think the only thing the last several decades have proven is that, since 1945, it’s hardly possible to win the war with US-made politicians. The weapons work just fine. Just ask the Israelis. And in fact, you could even ask some Russian veterans - how much lend-lease equipment did y’all get from the US in the Great Patriotic War? More recently, you could ask some of the Russian helicopter pilots who vacationed in Afghanistan in the 1980’s about the FIM-92 Stinger, too.
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The Internet: Fun while it lasted
Have you heard the news?
White Trash Service Announcement: Don’t smoke around pipe bombs
The Sheriff’s office in Terrebonne Parish, LA reported an incident involving theft, potential domestic terrorism, and…teenage smoking!
Apparently, alleged criminal masterminds Alex Joshua Horn and Johnathan Anthony Porche tipped off police by inquiring about PVC pipe and gun power at a local Wal-mart. (Subtle!)
However, it wasn’t the police that ultimately foiled the alleged bomb plot, but the cherry on Porche’s lit cigarette.
The ash from the teen’s cigarette ignited a bottle filled with gun powder shoplif–I mean, procured from Wal-Mart, causing considerable damage to Porche’s residence and to the boys’ persons.
Perhaps we should listen to our parents when they say things like “don’t smoke; it’s bad for you” or “don’t attempt to make pipe-bombs with stolen explosives, especially if you’re dumb enough to keep an open flame around where you’re making them.”
The Sudoku of the Flying Toilet Brush Holder
Reviews taken from Amazon.
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The 2007-2012 Outlook for Bathroom Toilet Brushes and Holders in Greater China This study covers the latent demand outlook for bathroom toilet brushes and holders across the regions of Greater China, including provinces, autonomous regions (Guangxi, Nei Mongol, Ningxia, Xinjiang, Xizang - Tibet), municipalities (Beijing, Chongqing, Shanghai, and Tianjin), special administrative regions (Hong Kong and Macau), and Taiwan (all hereafter referred to as “regions”). Please kill me. Latent demand (in millions of U.S. dollars), or potential industry earnings (P.I.E.) estimates are given across some 1,100 cities in Greater China. For each major city in question, the percent share the city is of the region and of Greater China is reported. Each major city is defined as an area of “economic population”, as opposed to the demographic population within a legal geographic boundary. Take away all my pain. For many cities, the economic population is much larger that the population within the city limits; this is especially true for the cities of the Western regions. For the coastal regions, cities which are close to other major cities or which represent, by themselves, a high percent of the regional population, actual city-level population is closer to the economic population (e.g. in Beijing). Please for the love of God, just fucking kill me. Based on this “economic” definition of population, comparative benchmarks allow the reader to quickly gauge a city’s marketing and distribution value vis-à-vis others. This exercise is quite useful… |
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The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster CAN I GET A “RAMEN” FROM THE CONGREGATION?! Behold the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), today’s fastest growing carbohydrate-based religion. According to church founder Bobby Henderson, the universe and all life within it were created by a mystical and divine being: the Flying Spaghetti Monster. What drives the FSM’s devout followers, a.k.a. Pastafarians? Some say it’s the assuring touch from the FSM’s “noodly appendage.” Then there are those who love the worship service, which is conducted in pirate talk and attended by congregants in dashing buccaneer garb. Still others are drawn to the Church’s flimsy moral standards, religious holidays every Friday, or the fact that Pastafarian heaven is way cooler: Does your heaven have a Stripper Factory and a Beer Volcano? Intelligent Design has finally met its match–and it has nothing to do with apes or the Olive Garden of Eden. Within these pages, Bobby Henderson outlines the true facts– dispelling such malicious myths as evolution (“only a theory”), science (“only a lot of theories”), and whether we’re really descended from apes (fact: Humans share 95 percent of their DNA with chimpanzees, but they share 99.9 percent with pirates!) |
I now pronounce you an ignorant homophobe
Ya’ll know I’m the bestest 2 bit hack editor on wordpress, right?
Look what I have for you! An exclusive, just for us post by the sickest of sick monkeys, Deviant.
-bagel
If you were one of many people who watched and enjoyed I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry this weekend, then congratulations, for you are indeed an ignorant homophobe.
That’s ok we’re all human and we all have our weak moments… I can’t get through Mask without laughing for prolonged periods of time, but hey at least I admit it.
I don’t know that I want timely hot button issues served to me by Adam Sandler and gross-out comedies, but you take what you can get. Many people feel disgust towards gay couples and after being subjected to the Chuck and Larry trailers I can’t say I blame them. I felt uncomfortable watching two hack comics try to remain relevant with a plot setup straight out of Three’s Company.
You tell anyone, I’ll kill your family
Cause for Concern: Multimillionaire Dogfights
On July 17, 2007, Atlanta Falcons Quarterback Michael Vick was indicted on federal charges of conspiracy related to an alleged dog fighting ring of which he was a part. These allegations actually go back more than 5 years, so the indictment was not a complete surprise to most.
On the surface, you might be tempted to say, “Well, it looks like ol’ Ron Mexico has stepped in it again.” I would, however, challenge you to reconsider this statement. Animal abuse, cruelty and torture–at least in my book–are far more serious offenses than making an obscene gesture in front of millions at an open sporting event or carrying a mysterious substance in a water bottle engineered with a secret compartment.
In fact, I would submit that these incidents don’t come close to the same level. (more…)
