Ration Reality

(more…)

Dear Internet,

I am a germophobe, but my boyfriend wants me to lick his butt. What should I do and is he gay?

Sincerely,
Hygienocide    (more…)

In a pitiful attempt to win our favor, loyal ЯR participant Keywork has written a cloying review of our beloved website. It seems he’s such a big ass-suck fan, he could do nothing but praise our groundbreaking family website. Enjoy, friends! 

You Can Have My Ration.

Ration Reality. I stumbled upon this incoherent, slimy sac of anal seepage a few months ago. And I can tell you this: don’t visit this blog, Bagel has syphilis. Yes, the editor, Bagel of Everything, has syphilis. Frat boys beware. Never in my life have I ever read such horrible propaganda. Let’s look: (more…)

I was surfing the net for a birthday gift for The Nephew of Everything. I found this poster, instead. Awe! It’s very me, don’t you think? Naturally, I arted my reaction:

I’m going to buy the poster and put the words on the matting.

 Related posts: Juanita the Wonton Bitch - Daddy says we is gunna be movie stars - Mr. Fluff Must Die 

Ever wonder how we tend to have very strong perceptions about certain high-profile personalities? They’re usually very specific, but very concise personal impressions. What comes to mind when you think of Paris Hilton? Will Smith? Barack Obama? David Bowie? Chances are that if you have a strong identification–positive or otherwise–with any of these people, it’s a good chance part of your perception has been influenced by a marketing technique called personal branding. This is a process by which a public figure (or that figure’s handlers) manage him or her persona in the same way a corporation would manage its product (brand). Therefore, if one were to wish to be seen as a “leader”, “innovator”, “leading man” or “bad girl”, there is a PR firm willing to help you create and maintain that idea.

While nurturing brand identity has been a part of marketing products for centuries, it is a relatively new development in terms of marketing a person. It is taking on a new dimension among the candidates in the US Presidential elections. To go one further, many non-celebrities are using personal branding techniques to help advance their careers and personal lives.

Now, we have people being commodified through branding. Since turnabout is fair play, I thought it would be enlightening to take established product brands and speculate what kind of traits and behaviors they’d have, were they people.

Dr. Pepper: Has a practice out in the suburbs and lives in a gated community. He gets behind the wheel of a Lexus most days, but sometimes drives a Land Rover Discovery on days when he’s feeling “rugged”. He just got accepted into the county’s most exclusive country club. In the throes of a mid-life crisis, Pepper’s trophy wife isn’t cutting it anymore, so he’s diddling his PA. He’s not holding out hope for a Smiths reunion tour.

Mr Pibb: Helped landscape Pepper’s McMansion when the development first opened. He lives in a double-wide out by the rail yard. (more…)

Symptom, or Sista’ ?
It’s a game, and you can play!

Some of these are from babynames.org’s list of African-American baby girl names, the remainder from Wikipedia’s list of medical symptoms. Can you tell which is which?

Amusia
Renell
Cachexia
Melea
Tachell
Somnolence
Hematuria
Koyana
Akathisia
Cyiarra
Bradykinesia
Pyrexia
Afyia
Malaise
Larhonda (more…)

Three Christmases ago, I got my first charm bracelet. It’s a sweet little silver thing with a kitty cat charm. I’ve never cared for jewelry, but I adored my bracelet. I expected I’d get more charms for it on future holidays, but I didn’t. The charms on a charm bracelet are supposed to represent the interests of the wearer. A bracelet with only one charm doesn’t say alot of good about my personality. A single kitty cat charm SCREAMS “crazy cat lady!”

So I powered up the internet machine, in search of mass-produced charms more fitting a unique individual like myself. Wow…

Disembodied Deer Head

A winged penis charm from eBay

(more…)

About a month ago, my heart began fluttering in the night. At times it felt as if it were turning itself over in my chest. While I was glad to know I actually had a heart, I was terrified. Not so terrified that I called my doctor, but terrified nonetheless.

I’m fairly young and I exercise regularly. Surely it couldn’t be a “cardiac episode”.  I considered my diet. I can suck a pig through a straw, but my cholesterol levels have always been freakishly low. I rarely salt my food. I eat pretty well, for a southerner. Then it hit me: CAFFEINE.

Thanks to Diet Coke breakfasts and mainlining Thai energy drinks (shit will jack you up!), I consume more caffeine in a week than a WoW geek does throughout his whole 28 years of puberty. So I dumped the caffeine. Not being crazy about water (or, as I call it, recycled dinosaur piss… it is, you know), I hit the Harris Teeter Supermarket and loaded a cart with Caffeine Free sodas. Driven by habit, I popped in 2 12-packs of Diet Mountain Dew … the caffeine free variety.

There’s something peculiar about Caffeine Free Diet Mountain Dew. Sure, it still tastes like deer piss, but without the caffeine and diabetic coma inducing levels of corn syrup, it’s just dirty water. Who thought this was a good idea?

Oh, and I’m feeling better.

Opening from an actual mid-90’s UPN sitcom

I love blacksploitation almost as much as I love sci-fi.
Seriously, kids. Even I was offended.

HE SAID, SHE SAID: Twelve Things to do on a Slow Weekend

Soy’s list:

12. Tackle an Olympic torch-bearer for peace.
11. Walk through your neighborhood, picking fights.
10. Set up a model railroad layout and blow it up, Gomez Addams-style.
 9. Sleep like a motherfucker! (more…)