Jesse Owens, Great American Zero
It seems Deviant has accepted that he’s going to hell, and is trying to make a few friends down there before he arrives. Always supportive of our friends’ ambitions, we at ЯR are posting his newest exclusive submission with love, support, and wtf. -bagel
Deviant: See you in hell, my friend. See you in hell.
I like to recognize exceptional heroics when I see it; the flag-raising of Iwo Jima, 9-11 firefighters, Ellen Degeneres crying over a puppy on national television, but I will not stand by any longer and allow a man to be called a hero when this man is anything but. (more…)
Pete Doherty Cracks Cats Up
Wannabe “rock star” Pete Doherty used to merely annoy me with his posturing. His insistence of following the well-worn rock ‘n’ roll chemical highway traveled by Keith Richards, Johnny Thunders and Iggy Pop before him is neither original nor particularly noteworthy. Getting busted, overdosing and getting tossed out of bands for excessive drug abuse is by no measure new in the world of popular music, circa now.
It’s his perogative to fuck up his body and mind and, at least in Britain, it’s given the model/poet/musician/fuckup an assload of publicity courtesy of the insidious red-ink press. However, Doherty crossed a major line recently, and his offense should not be ignored. (more…)
Tom Corbett on Amyl Nitrite
Vote Keywork in 08
You decide. Or not. It’s really not my business.
A funny thing happened in these comments. Our loyal reader Keywork announced to the world that he is, in fact, a raccoon, and he yiffed my mother. A time machine was apparently involved, as he is my father. That’s when it started getting weird. (more…)
Jesus Saves … guitar picks?
Jesus Saves Guitar Picks 4 Pack
@ Amazon.com
God: Hey, JC! Whadda you say we go down to Earth, spend some quality time?
JC: Um, no.
God: C’mon, it’ll be fun. We’ll go fishing for men.
JC: Yeah, that sounds great and all, but I gotta update my blog.
God: Jesus, son! You need to get a hobby!
JC: I have my blog, Dad. You just don’t understand my generation!
God: A real hobby! Maybe you could collect something.
JC: Yeah, sure. Whatever. Bring me a Fillet O’ Fish and some Dansani before you go, k?
And that, brothers and sisters, is how Jesus began saving guitar picks. At a current total of 4, it’s not much of a collection. It’s tragic really. With all the dexterity of a carpenter’s son, he’d be a great shredder, if it weren’t for those horrible hand injuries.
Related posts:
Bizarre Foreign Commercials, Vol. 2
By popular demand, Ration Reality revisits the vast whatthefucktitude of international broadcast advertising. Just remember, you wanted this. It’s all for you, Damien. All for you…
Canadian Convenience Store Beverage
If Dr. Freud had lived to see this unbelievable spot from the frozen north, it would have killed him. Not only would it have ended his life, but it would have done so in spectacular cartoon fashion with steam coming from his ears, eyes bulging from their sockets and hair bolting up from his scalp. The sexual subtext of this ad is so straightforward, even my parents could see it. (more…)
The West Virginia Chronicles, Vol. 1: Defeated by WV
It’s a small, intriguing territory known for coal, chemicals, college football, skiing, rafting and killer cannabis. I’m talking about West Virginia. Some of you may have driven through Charleston and seen the office towers and gold-leaf dome on the state capital building. Some of you may live in the peaceful, largely-affluent D. C. suburbs around Martinsburg. Some of you may have saved up for a getaway at the four-star Greenbrier resort. These areas of the state are largely-progressive, economically-viable and diversified. They have decent schools, well-surfaced roads and, most importantly, hope. But the lower coalfields, which begin in the southeastern suburbs of Charleston and go right down to the Kentucky and Virginia state lines, are quite a different story…and it’s a story I know well. (more…)
Beautiful Sarah
I’ve written a fairy tale for you…
Sarah had always been plain, and her body had always been plump. She thought herself to be quite ugly. As a girl, Sarah wanted nothing more than to have a companion, but she would allow herself no friends. Any girls who treated her kindly were ignored, as she felt they were only taking pity on her, or had a plan to tease her. When she became of age, Sarah wanted nothing more than to have a lover, but she never spoke to the young men. Any wishing to court her would be turned away, because she didn’t believe a worthy man could have interest in one as ugly as she. (more…)
The Nipple Extractor
Nipple Extractor
Winter is coming soon, kids. The dry indoor heat can make one’s skin all itchy. When I was living in the cold, cold north, my skin would get so dry in the winter, my nipples would actually peel. You ladies, I’m sure, can understand the discomfort. Men folks, imagine your head (the one you think with when you go here) flaking, peeling, and itching so badly you can’t sleep. Don’t even think of scratching - it’s much too sensitive. (more…)
Dear Pulsing Wad of Anal Mucous Excretion
Advice from Discouragement Kitten
Question:
every time my friend calls me up and we sit down for a beer he gloats for two hours about how much money he makes and how amazing his life is and I go home feeling like shit. DK why do I keep seeing this person?
Answer:
Dear Pulsing Wad of Anal Mucous Excretion:
Obviously this guy is insecure and/or boring. He either desperately wants your approval and believes tales of his awesomeness will sway you to be impressed OR he simply has nothing else to chat about. Why on earth do you give a shit how much money he makes? What impact does the quality of his life have on the satisfaction you feel with your own life? He could have a fantastic life filled with money, an endless supply of (meaningful) sex, elephants to ride in his back yard, ninja friends, rocket cars, fruity pebbles, fuck - this piece of butt rot may well have the solution for unified fucking theory up his sleeve - how does that change how you feel about your life one iota? (more…)
