Ration Reality

Mr. Zach Action is our friend.
His right to self expression we do defend.
But if by this post you are offended,
Remember: He wrote it, we didn’t! 
-Soy

 You ever have one of those moments where suddenly you realize that something from your childhood is insanely messed up?

I was walking from the bedroom to the living room yesterday, humming a song that doesn’t usually come to mind: Jesus Loves Me. I can’t even tell you the last time I heard this song. But there I was, walking and humming. Then I started singing it. And then I realized…

OH. MY. GOODNESS. What in the WORLD did they have us singing as children?!?

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It’s that time again: Crappy Catalog Season. I hate those tree murdering,  mailbox overfillers, but I can’t help flipping through the more colorful ones.  Especially Spilsbury. Their products are flimsy crap, but shiny flimsy crap, so that makes it ok. This may be the most awesome novelty game ad ever:

SHOCKING DUEL

How long can you hang on? Both contestants grab hold of a handle, then prepare for shocks of increasing intensity and duration. Shocking Duel will sort out the men from the boys!

Excuse me?

More crappy posts about shitty gifts:
Jesus Saves … guitar picks? - The Nipple Extractor - The Scat of Luxury - The tiniest Santa

We just switched themes, so expect some complications. Please let us know of any issues.

We’ve all had days when it seemed to be raining shit on our heads. Days when everything seemed to go wrong for us in every possible way. Still, it takes a story like this to put things into perspective for us:

Earlier this month, an unidentified man was driving through a residential area of Memphis in the early hours of the morning. Around 3:30 AM, the mystery motorist crashed his car into a utility pole. Staggering from the wreckage, the man mad a beeline to the home of Mr. Leroy Bruce.

The unidentified man began banging on Bruce’s front door. Bruce wisely refused him entry and, at this point, the man thought it would be a good idea to kick in one of Bruce’s windows. When the man began to insert his leg through the broken window into the living room, Bruce produced a gun and shot the man in the leg. Struggling to extricate himself from the busted window, the unidentified offender had to remove his shoes and pants.

The man eventually made his way to a McDonald’s (more…)

Hey kids! I’ve found us a new contributor!
The brilliantly funny Scott from In the What? has accepted an asininement. Sucker!

In the following post, an honest to G-d librarian gives us permission to swear. So if you’re ever busted for vulgarities in a library, tell them Scott said it’s ok. They’ll totally understand: ‘Rians are much like blacks, jews, and the gays– they all know eachother.

Pace yourself children. It’s a strong piece from beginning to end. I’m so proud.

 –Bagel

McKay Hatch Was Born on a Pirate Ship

Kids have dreams for some reason. The youth of America all seem to think they’re going to change the world. “I’m gonna be a fireman and save people’s lives!” “I’m gonna be the Easter Bunny and give everyone chocolate eggs!” “I’m gonna be a doctor and cure my mommy’s cancer!” Yeah right. More likely you’re going to graduate with a B average, major in business, and become boring and useless like everyone else. That’s why it’s a good thing that kids are powerless. They don’t get a chance to pursue their dreams until they’re old enough to realize how stupid they are.

But not McKay Hatch! No, McKay jumped upon his dreams before the Sledgehammer of Reality came barreling towards his cranium, and–wonders behold!–he HAS changed the world! (more…)

Canadian divisions of Nestle, Cadbury, and Hershey have been accused of price fixing. Apparently that means anti-competitive collusion, and not simply repairing a co-dependant economy. According to Go Ogle, this is news. Not to me — I hate chocolate, and I’ve never been to Canada.

I don’t think they’ve done anything wrong. America was associating candy with pretend money back when Canadians were still worshipping that queen person. What’s a holiday without chocolate coins? Not a proper Jewish one, that’s certain. It’s extra confusing for Canadians, what with their pastel money covered in birdies and  pictures of a scary old lady who’s only once set her freakishly-oversized feet on their barren, frozen soil. (more…)

We encourage our children to appreciate art. We drag them to smelly old museums, make them sit in classrooms studying art history, and beat them over the head with this high-brow culture. We require proof of age for the purchase of pornographic material. We are thrilled when a new art museum opens in our neighborhood, but do not permit titty-bars within range of schools or churches.

As a culture, we are so ashamed of our pornographic habit, that we put such works in a lower class, separate from art. We argue over what is art and what is porn. We write papers defining the boundaries.

Why?

I am a woman. I love looking at the nude human form. I enjoy watching sexually explicit acts. I am not ashamed. I like to think of it as God’s Art.

Art is supposed to make us feel something, get a reaction from is. Is it not?

My Credentials:
I have none. I was a hard-sci major, and know nothing of art. I shall use the following naked pictures to distract you from my ignorance. (more…)

When I see an awesome bit of clip art, I save it for eventual use here at ЯR.  My arts folder is getting too crowded, so I’m going to share with you some of my favorites.  A few I’ve made, the rest have been ganked from various places across the innertubes. If anyone knows the origin of any of them, please let me know so I can give credit.
You might not wanna look at these while at work, unless your tech dept. appreciates cartoons of frottage, foot worship, bestiality, and autofellatio.

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ROOTS - ROCK - REGGAE

 Sunday, November 25 witnessed the last concert event held at Winston-Salem, NC’s legendary venue, Ziggy’s. Christened “The Last Supper”, the club’s last show fittingly featured crusty Georgia jam band Perpetual Groove (a group that have played Ziggy’s dozens of times). It was a bittersweet sendoff to an establishment full of memories. (more…)

Hey kids! For those who haven’t committed suicide over the 4 day ЯR dry spell, we’re back! Vacation and shit. I was going to post to warn you, but then I didn’t. I’ve just got home, and want to post something, so I’m going to throw somethin’ at you that’s been sitting in the queue for a while. Oh, and Deviant was lucky enough to get an ЯR exclusive for his blog. Read it here– Unringing the Bell.

Convert To Judaism Breath Spray
Can’t speak a word of Yiddish and think Sabbath is an 80’s metal band?
Be part of this unique faith instantly, starting today! (more…)

 Deviant told me if I didn’t post this, he would flirt with me until I hanged myself. Threats are hot.

The entry which you are about to read is a fictionalized reinactment of the tragedy which befell a pair of suburban families, in particular Megan Meier and her non-existant Myspace boyfriend Josh Evans… For them, an idyllic summer afternoon myspace exhange became a nightmare. The events of that day were to lead to the discovery of one of the most bizarre crimes in the annals of American history.

The Myspace Suicide Massacre!!!

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