As an angry feminist, I love kicking men in the balls and pricking their scrotes with rusty pins. It doesn’t turn me on, but it sure makes me happy. Thanks to the magic of the internets, I’ve discovered something wondrous: there are men who not only enjoy such treatment, but will pay dearly for it! 

To prove to myself this wasn’t just internet lore, I went in search of hardcopy evidence. There is a damned fine mess of books out there on the subject; I think Family Jewels: A Guide to Male Genital Play & Torment is the one for me. Unfortunately, I was able to dig up precious little information about this book.

Here’s what the publisher has to say about it:

Simultaneously powerful and vulnerable, the male genitals offer boundless possibilities for painful pleasures. From anatomy to psychology to descriptions of actual play scenarios, here’s a wealth of information and ideas for any man or woman who wants to offer more pleasure and intensity to the family jewels!

Excuse me, I’ve got to go sprinkle some ground glass into Soy’s underwear drawer. You know, to please him.

 Author’s blog - Author’s Myspace - Publisher’s site - Buy it

 More Books that Exist: A Hand in the Bush - The Haunted Vagina 
How to cook for your fat hairy gay man - Christian Domestic Discipline

I don’t have anything interesting to say today, so here are some pictures of my dog being strangled by Sandy Paws.

She looks like she’s smiling, but she’s grimacing.

She’s a friendly dog, and we thought she’d enjoy going to sit on Sandy Paws’ lap. Boy were we wrong.

Related post: Happy Hanuchihuahua!

Cannibalism has been viewed, in Modern civilized society, through a surreal lens. From the Donner Party, to The Buoy’s upbeat cannibal anthem “Timothy”, to Ray Liotta being fed a piece of his own cerebrum by Anthony Hopkins, people feel that the very act of consuming human flesh is outlandish, regardless of how it’s done. One man, however, was determined to make the execution of his cannibalistic attempt as outrageous and unsettling as the act itself. His name: Armin Meiwes.

Born in Essen, Nordrhein-Westfalen, Germany on Dec. 1, 1962, Armin Meiwes (pron. My’-vuhs) was a quiet, unassuming kind, by most accounts. He was raised by a mother described as cold and domineering. So domineering was his dear mutti, that he rarely was allowed to play with his school chums or otherwise engage in most forms of social intercourse (including intercourse, it turns out–Frau Meiwes accompanied her son on dates. No aktion for little Armin.) In fact, scarcely a day went by that Meiwes didn’t see his mom. She lived with him for her whole life and even forced her way into maneuvers with his army unit during his compulsory military service. He wasn’t rid of the bitch until the day she died. And, yet, she lived on…in his mind!

So how did Meiwes deal with the stifling tough-love? The same way any level-headed schizoid would: by creating an imaginary brother, “Frank”, who would “listen” to him and developing a need to find someone to become “a part of him”.

Fast-forward a few decades to the dawn of the new millennium. While the rest of the world was fretting about their electricity cutting off or their garage doors not opening, Meiwes was beginning to succumb to the notion of making someone a part of him, a dream he’d maintained since childhood. Now, you gotta admire someone who puts it all on the line and goes after that dream, but Armin had something different in mind from finding his soulmate and getting married. The 39-year old computer technician placed an ad on a fetish website called “The Cannibal Café“, asking for a “volunteer” to allow Meiwes to kill, cook and consume him. Improbably, someone actually responded. For male prostitute/mutilation aficionado Bernd Brandes, becoming someone’s entrée sounded like a good idea.

Brandes dutifully reported to Meiwes’ home in Rotenburg (near Frankfurt in the state of Hesse) on March 9, 2001. In short order, Meiwes had cut off Brandes’ penis and attempted to prepare it in time for the two to consume it. As he waited for Brandes to die from either the massive blood loss or the livestock-sized dose of barbituates and alcohol he’d been given, Meiwes read a Star Wars novel. After 3 hours, an apparently impatient Meiwes decided to finish off the incredibly resilient Bardes with a knife in the throat. Afterward, Armin placed the corpse on a suspended meathook and gleefully began to fillet it. How do we know all these details? Why, it’s because Meiwes had been videotaping the incident. Duh!

After divulging details about his “meal” online, authorities were notified and Meiwes was arrested. On Jan. 30, 2004, Armin Meiwes was convicted of the German equivalent of manslaughter and was sentenced to 8 1/2 years in prison. Two years later, prosecutors were able to overturn his original conviction to that of murder, based on the premeditation involved in trolling for human food on a fetish site. Meiwes will serve a term of life in prison for his crime.

Fun Facts about Armin:

*At Brandes’ insistence, Meiwes attempted to bite the penis off. The proboscis proved to be too “tough” and, after several painful tries, a steak knife was ultimately used.

*German industrial metal band Rammstein wrote the song “Mein Teil” (English: “My Part”) with inspiration from the Meiwes case. The bridge includes the line “Du Bist, Was du isst” (literally, “you are what you eat”).

*Meiwes intended to sauté the penis with proper seasoning, allowing the 2 men to share it before Brandes died. Unfortunately, Meiwes burned it beyond the point of enjoyment. Way to go, Dumbass!

*The 2007 horror film Butterfly: a Grimm Love Story was loosely based on the Meiwes case. It was banned in Germany.

*As a commentary on the worldwide press response to the Meiwes case, Juggalo rapper Necro in the song “Human Consumption” wrote the line “It’s legal in Germany, believe me. Cannibals are Celebrities”.

*Over 10 months, Meiwes feasted upon nearly 50 pounds of his Victim’s flesh.

*Shortly after being locked up, Meiwes became a vegetarian!

Related posts: TLDR Biographies: Egon Schiele - Shirley Temple is Creepy - RIP-IA: Jeanne Tripplehorn

Dear Internet,

I met my biological father yesterday, and now my pee comes out sideways.
Is this just a coincidence, or should I get tested?

Touched,
Bagel

Last time on Ask the Internet: Anilingus Breath Strips

I almost never post random shit I’ve found on the web, but this one was irresistible. Found on anonymous image hosting site, tinypic.com. Due to the nature of the site, I don’t know who to credit. If you know who made it, please let me know, so that I may offer him/her a year’s supply of unprotected sex.

Related posts: I have a new lamp - Love Carrots - The O-Face Game

♫ They’ll suck a dick up
til they hiccup
for a fee ♪
-Alexyss K Tylor

Warning to Gay Boys

It’s long, but it’s worth it. She gets more outrageous as she goes. I especially love how she tries to be erudite, between her fits of “goddamn!” and various ghettoness. If this were a skit, I’d likely be offended. Somehow, her earnestness makes it okay. Check our her website, YouTube, and MySpace.  Or just give her a call.
I want her to be my new best friend.
Addendum: This one is even better. I wish I’d seen it first. 03:50 - 04:05 nearly killed me.

Related posts: Lesbian Gang Rapists! - Prostitution Solution - Word of the Week: Medibation

CafePress: The revolution will be merchandised

The sublimely erotic black & white art is taken from the original Carey Rockwell novels, which have fallen into the public domain. They have been altered only for size.

Who the fuck is Tom Corbett?  Wikipedia knows!

Previous Ass Cadet comics:

• Tom Corbett: Exhibitionism
• Tom Corbett: Cam Queen
• Tom Corbett: Voyeurism
• Tom Corbett: Shotacon
• Tom Corbett: Double Docking
• Tom Corbett: Forniphilia
• Tom Corbett: Bagpiping
• Tom Corbett: Pederasty
• Tom Corbett: Fisting
• Tom Corbett: Ass Patch
• Tom Corbett: Donkey Punch
• Tom Corbett: Amyl Nitrite
• Tom Corbett: Breath Play

Future entries will be filed here.

Dear Internet,

I am a germophobe, but my boyfriend wants me to lick his butt. What should I do and is he gay?

Sincerely,
Hygienocide   

Closet Cootiemonger,

The Internet recommends the use of a dental dam. However, in these trying economic times, latex can be pricey. By placing a layer of Listerine Breath Strips^ЯR over his rectal area, you’ll not only protect yourself from the gayds, but you’ll be kissably fresh afterward. Remember: Mouth to ass and back again makes one healthy, wealthy, and fucking disgusting.

Also, he’s probably gay. Good luck with that.

Seriously,
The Internet.

You got a problem? Yo’, I’ll solve it. Ask your question here, while Bagel blogs it.
Ice ice Bagel. Dum dum dum duh dum dum.  Vanilla ice ice Bagel.

In a pitiful attempt to win our favor, loyal ЯR participant Keywork has written a cloying review of our beloved website. It seems he’s such a big ass-suck fan, he could do nothing but praise our groundbreaking family website. Enjoy, friends! 

You Can Have My Ration.

Ration Reality. I stumbled upon this incoherent, slimy sac of anal seepage a few months ago. And I can tell you this: don’t visit this blog, Bagel has syphilis. Yes, the editor, Bagel of Everything, has syphilis. Frat boys beware. Never in my life have I ever read such horrible propaganda. Let’s look:

She’s a Racist. Really, she is. All jokes aside, she’s a horrible human being in every sense of the word. Wait, the blog. Ok, it’s easy to navigate. If you really want to cruise around this vat of cerebral vomit. I’ll save you the trouble: shit, ass, fuck, cunt, anal sex, holocaust, wong, ass cadet, desperate lesbian. That’s about it.

Soylent Ape. He’s a dirty jew. So, you don’t even have to read his posts. Again, I’ll save you the trouble: economics, penis, obscure bands, drums.

Seriously, I’m glad you both have jobs. I liked your old template better, the new one is shit. Oh, please don’t reproduce you two. And if you do, make sure your spawn aren’t allowed near a computer. No stars on this one, you guys put the ‘k’ in suck.

Tasteful, no?

Related posts: Vote Keywork in 08 - You like me, you really like me! - The final domain

I was surfing the net for a birthday gift for The Nephew of Everything. I found this poster, instead. Awe! It’s very me, don’t you think? Naturally, I arted my reaction:

I’m going to buy the poster and put the words on the matting.

 Related posts: Juanita the Wonton Bitch - Daddy says we is gunna be movie stars - Mr. Fluff Must Die