Ration Reality

Deviant wrote this for us.

Like Mussolini, he isn’t such a bad guy!

The Olympics: Killing People With Sports
-or-
Let Us Not Forget that Olympians Are Simply Glorified Dumb Jocks

I think it’s horseshit that news commentators are urging us not to politicize the Olympics, when the whole affair is already politicized from the beginning. When the Olympics committee decides to hold the Olympics someplace, it provides an economical boon to the local businesses. Tourism is bumped up and governments have the attention of the world where they can go ahead and pull off all sorts of propaganda shenanigans…

Jesse Owens publicly claimed Hitler wasn’t such a bad guy when the Olympics were held in Germany of all places. Yeah let’s not politicize the Olympics by having our athletes compete in Nazi Germany, way to go Olympics Committee, you just provided Nazi Germany with a 1 Million Mark profit which was probably shuttled right into the death camps. Read the rest of this entry »

Deviant wrote this for us, because he thinks about vaginas kind of alot. 

I believed everyone knew that the Catholic depiction of the Virgin Mary was based on a vagina, that is until I informed my friend Bagel about this belief and she expressed shock.

Let me explain…

As a raised Catholic, my connection with the Virgin Mary is a doozy. In the Catholic faith the Virgin Mary is treated like a goddess, though the church would claim otherwise, calling her a mortal that rose to heaven is semantics.

In Catholicism, there were special prayers sent to the Virgin Mary that were on par with prayers you would send to Jesus (or baby jesus if you were feeling especially kawaii).

The Virgin Mary is a loving force to be reckoned with in Catholic dogma. It was an honor for latin mothers, aunts, and grandmothers to give their children symbols of Our Lady of Guadalupe, the Mexican version of the Virgin Mary. My mother gave me an Our Lady of Guadalupe medallion; which was slightly odd because she hates Mexicans, but I figured that her home country of Guatemala couldn’t afford a Virgin Mary of their own. Read the rest of this entry »

This month’s BotM was written for us by Deviant. Thanks, handsome.

ЯR   March’s Official Band: Where’s Moo   ЯR 

Band Of The Month: Where’s Moo
or
Get Those Damn Kids Off My Lawn

Maybe it was the shots of Fernet–a digestif drink popular in San Francisco–or it could have been the heavy pot billowing from my mouth, but the music playing on Michael Mangum’s computer sounded aurally pungent, like a mix of the familiar with the futuristic, the dystopian future with the familiar rocking past. I was blown away by the guitars seemingly playing power ballads in slow motion, with a lead singer who sounded like a young Michael Stipe.

“Hey…this is pretty good. Who is this?”

“It’s me,” Michael replied with a grin on his face.

Apparently the dope was great because I’d forgotten that he’d gotten up to play his music to me. I was understandably red-faced. Read the rest of this entry »

Deviant wrote this for us, while awaiting the coming of Tan.

Anonymous Attacks Scientology
or
How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Religious Persecution

I suggest we start to get this idea of “religious persecution” as a bad thing out of our collective thoughts.

We hear all about how the pilgrims came over here because they were persecuted, but we all know deep down in our hearts that they kind of deserved it.

The pilgrims were assholes.

I think our society can afford to religiously persecute several fringe members of our society like the Mormons, the Scientologists, and ITT Tech graduates, and they should be persecuted just a tad bit. I’m not calling for mass genocide or anything barbaric like that, but the following news story of “persecution” I think is comparable to a light playful hazing: Read the rest of this entry »

An End Of The Year Editorial On The State of the American Mind:
Looking At Our Lives
or
I’m Not A Drunk, You Are

There are too many moments these days where I cannot recognize you.

I appreciated you drunkenly pulling me aside this New Years Eve in the safety of your vomit-spewed bathroom to tell me that I have a drinking problem.

Well sure, I seemed to have been functioning well during the office Christmas party, when in fact I had been in a zombiefied black-out vodka state, and yes I kissed the departing CEO of the company on the lips on a dare, and yes I vomited all over the subway platform on the way home in the early evening…

But I think it’s imperative for you to know that, in this relationship, it is in fact YOU who are the drunk.

I may have gotten us forcibly removed from several watering holes by very large black bouncers, but I want you to note something about my drunkeness and your drunkeness.

I don’t sit at home sobbing to myself, complaining about life, and polishing off two bottles of wine all by myself like you do. Read the rest of this entry »

Deviant wrote this for us, because he’s such a wonderful person
(but he’s  got problems)

In the year 1972, David Jones revealed Himself as David Bowie AKA Ziggy Stardust, the leper messiah from another planet. This was before the internet, so you can imagine that it was a very big deal. People back then were ignorant, and so it was widely believed that David Bowie was indeed a space alien, especially since He looked like this:

Where is your God now?

David Bowie single-handedly invented homosexuality in the early 70’s with His glam-era albums Ziggy Stardust And The Spiders from Mars, Aladdin Sane and Diamond Dogs. Read the rest of this entry »

 Deviant told me if I didn’t post this, he would flirt with me until I hanged myself. Threats are hot.

The entry which you are about to read is a fictionalized reinactment of the tragedy which befell a pair of suburban families, in particular Megan Meier and her non-existant Myspace boyfriend Josh Evans… For them, an idyllic summer afternoon myspace exhange became a nightmare. The events of that day were to lead to the discovery of one of the most bizarre crimes in the annals of American history.

The Myspace Suicide Massacre!!!

Read the rest of this entry »

It seems Deviant has accepted that he’s going to hell, and is trying to make a few friends down there before he arrives. Always supportive of our friends’ ambitions, we at ЯR are posting his newest exclusive submission with love, support, and wtf.  -bagel

Deviant: See you in hell, my friend. See you in hell.

I like to recognize exceptional heroics when I see it; the flag-raising of Iwo Jima, 9-11 firefighters, Ellen Degeneres crying over a puppy on national television, but I will not stand by any longer and allow a man to be called a hero when this man is anything but. Read the rest of this entry »

What we have here, friends, is another fine exclusive from that Deviant fella. 

Deviant: He’s one of them latins 

Guatemala, my land, my country, she smells funny.

I’m writing you–dear reader–for the sake of cultural education. Guatemala is the least known country in Central America, and I have been asked by Bagel to expound the virtue of this, my hometown. Let me preface this by saying that I wasn’t BORN in Guatemala, and that is my story until the day I die.

Antigua Guatemala, a city left untouched by modern convenience. Full of wonder and tourists. Shoot me now. Read the rest of this entry »

 Everyone’s favorite dirty, dirty monkey, Deviant, has written a !WORD! so
satirically beautiful, Johnathan Swift has surely creamed in his coffin.

The word for this week is blepharoplasty, or as I like to refer to it: correcting nature’s mistakes.

Asian-Blepharoplasty is a form of cosmetic surgery that is taking the yellow continent of Asia by storm. It is the most sophisticated answer for sufferers of Epicanthal Folds.

As defined by Wikipedia:

…the presence of the epicanthal fold can be a symptom of fetal alcohol syndrome, chromosomal disorders such as Down syndrome (Trisomy 21) Cri du Chat syndrome, or pre-term birth…or simply being Chinese.

…my buddy’s head had rolled clean off his shoulder like a watermelon rolling off a market perch…the naked gook woman emerged violently from the wet jungle. I reached for my rifle, but she was too quick. In one alarming move the girl threw herself at me, sobbing and covered in blood, as if the weight of the musky morning had trampled on her…

Oh! I’m sorry, that was just a ‘Nam flashback!

I know what you’re thinking, “but its simply not fair Kevin. As a non-retarded Asian person, what can I do to correct my hideous God-awful eyes?” Read the rest of this entry »