The Bagel of Everything
What is commonest, cheapest, nearest, easiest, is Me. - Walt Whitman
About:
The Bagel of Everything
head bitch in a flaccid world
I am an RPG playin, pirate obsessed mensa ninja.
Feel free to stalk me.
Just don’t say I look like Daria.
I’ve married men for less.
I believe: Meatwad is the best Aqua Teen. “Safeword” should be THE universal safe word. Pickle brine should not be ingested regardless how intriguing its redolence. Everyone should try addictive antidepressants if only for the fun of “forgetting” to refill. The Harvard comma is for pussies, and must only be used when one insists on being understood. Sex is best if the neighbors can smell it. The last feeling before falling asleep is true ecstasy.
My blog posts can be found here: http://rationreality.com/author/bagelofeverything
.
I am henceforth to be known as Vanillain, the Vanilla Villain.
I am bent on world domination by only the most conservative and mundane means.
Ya’ll with me?
what fucked version of hello kittie are you? Take this quiz!
“Meatwad is the best Aqua Teen.”
My favorite all time moment on that show involves him and Master Shake arguing some arbitrary pop culture fact…shake contridicting him…Meatwad pulling a gun from his body…Frylock trying to calm him… then Meatwad saying “What does that matter…what does anything matter” then turning the gun on himself and pulling the trigger. Then the show ends.
It was the darkest, bleakest, most satisfying moment in cartoon history.
A.J. Valliant
4 Jun 07 at 8:54 am
A.J. Valliant came to my blog and left a comment for me. A.J. fucking Valliant!
I think I have to pee…
The Bagel of Everything
8 Jun 07 at 10:37 am
My tarot cards did not lie.
You are a formidable Bagel.
Note
9 Jun 07 at 12:18 pm
@Note:
Welcome back, sweety!
I missed you so very much.
Yours is the first blog I ever read, and still my first stop for online reading. You inspired me to start blogging…(and the results have probably made you very, very sad inside).
Anybody who can read needs to go read your work, from the beginning.
bagel of everything
11 Jun 07 at 11:43 pm
glad I found your territory. keep up the wonderful stuff.
GC
Galactic Chick
12 Jun 07 at 10:19 am
Daria? Nope, more like a Diana Rigg motif going on there . . . .
Frontier Former Editor
14 Jun 07 at 12:31 am
@FFE: Damn! I’ve always wanted to be a bond girl! Not as much as I’ve wanted to be JB, but I’ll take it!
bagel of everything
14 Jun 07 at 4:40 am
Come, come now. Do you want to lie about mouthing “oh James,” or do you want to kick ass along with a bowler-wearing, bumbershoot-wielding gentleman who drives a Bentley?
Frontier Former Editor
14 Jun 07 at 6:10 am
It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your costumes… nerds are get ing so hot, they wanna take their clothes off!
jody eugenius wilson
14 Jun 07 at 7:06 am
To clarify, the bowler-wearing, bumbershoot-wielding gentleman to whom I was referring was Patrick Macnee, not myself
Frontier Former Editor
14 Jun 07 at 8:00 am
@Galactic Chick: Yay! Thanks for comming to see little ol me!
@Jody: Go away, you’re stinkin up the place.
@FFE: Sure, sure…
bagel of everything
14 Jun 07 at 8:35 am
Hey, I’ve got manners . . . .
Frontier Former Editor
14 Jun 07 at 11:18 am
That was cruel, you dirty bagel. You’re gonna get it. I was jus joshin and you had to go and be, well, you. At least now all these nice people can see how truly evil you are. Eviler than Kneivel. More evilest than a thousand flaming Hitlers. So evil that you skin cats and wear ‘em like hats. In your face. You big disgrace. If I was Freddie Mercury I’d kick your ass all over this place. Boo!
jody eugenius wilson
14 Jun 07 at 12:50 pm
@Jody: Hey, that’s where I recognise your avatar! You look like Freddy in that lil picture! Ha!
bagel of everything
14 Jun 07 at 1:26 pm
Let’s see, who does bagel look like… Jodie Foster in that movie where she plays the retard? Janet Reno? Peggy Hill? I. Y. F.!!!
jody eugenius wilson
14 Jun 07 at 2:39 pm
Actually, that Hawkgirl picture … shit, Jody, I’d never have picked it out myself, but it -does- kinda look like Peggy Hill in that costume. heh!
Jesse Custer
14 Jun 07 at 2:45 pm
All over the world, guys with steel wool hair and 20-sided dice in their pockets are jerkin’ it right now. Hands off, Third Level Dungeonmasters! Don’t make me throw down the gauntlet. I drove OTR and toured in a rock band. Sleep is my enemy and I can outlast any of you in a RIFFS marathon!
Soylent Ape
14 Jun 07 at 6:21 pm
@Soylent: Dungeon Masters don’t have levels.
bagel of everything
15 Jun 07 at 3:51 am
You guys are too damn funny!!
Stona Lisa
15 Jun 07 at 9:39 am
So the Cingular commercial WAS correct about dungeonmasters!
Frontier Former Editor
15 Jun 07 at 12:26 pm
Cingular commercials are always correct. I am developing a religion based on them. Wanna join? Free calls in the afterlife!
bagel of everything
16 Jun 07 at 8:33 am
Why not. As long as I can bring my Spam . . .
Frontier Former Editor
16 Jun 07 at 8:00 pm
[...] Fresh on Ration Reality Product Test - Chocolate Soldierbagel of everything on J.D. Salinger is Naked Jesse Custer on The Ghosts of Greatness PastSoylent Ape on The Ghosts of [...]
I like things « Ration Reality
17 Jun 07 at 3:50 pm
Spam, indeed bring your spam. We can make Spam Upside Down Pie!
bagel of everything
22 Jun 07 at 3:03 pm
Damn, and I thought I was happy just with Spam and eggs or Spam sandwiches . . . . you’re a deadly siren of Spam!
Frontier Former Editor
23 Jun 07 at 7:09 pm
Yet not deadly enough a siren for your blogroll, it seems.
No spam pie for you!
bagel of everything
23 Jun 07 at 8:33 pm
My unforgivable oversight, soon to be corrected
Frontier Former Editor
23 Jun 07 at 9:18 pm
Now that’s corrected, lure me to your platter of Spam and canned pineapple slices and maraschino cherry pieces all bound together with cellophane-adorned cocktail toothpicks . . . . . where in hell did I come up with that imagery?
Frontier Former Editor
23 Jun 07 at 9:22 pm
Mus’nt forget Diet Coke w/ Bacon to wash it all down…
bagel of everything
23 Jun 07 at 9:28 pm
I was thinking more like Fresca or Tab . . .
Frontier Former Editor
23 Jun 07 at 9:31 pm
mitsubishi
Rick
3 Jul 07 at 10:51 pm
uhhhhh…
huh?
Bagel of Everything
4 Jul 07 at 7:52 am
aha eetz a bagel! *nomnom* ;)
yvi-kitteh
5 Jul 07 at 7:21 am
noooo! donut be eatin teh bagelz!
oh, lookie, i made a pun
Bagel of Everything
5 Jul 07 at 11:19 am
Gosh you are refreshing. By the way - pickle juice is worth a sip or two…and Wikipedia is for wimps….
poseidonsmuse
5 Jul 07 at 10:54 pm
It’s totally BSFI that you found my crappy little blog. But thanks for stopping by and dropping a line or two!!!
SEO Hack
10 Jul 07 at 2:24 pm
[...] -bagel has a schoolgirl crush on cheezburger [...]
Chernobyl Zoological Park « Ration Reality
10 Jul 07 at 2:30 pm
I love this blog. Can your blog and my blog marry in a civil ceremony?
abarclay12
12 Jul 07 at 8:13 pm
Can we just live in blog sin for a while?
(unless your blog is wealthy, wellhung, or a big sexy Samoan..mmm Samoans…)
bagel of everything
12 Jul 07 at 8:49 pm
hey bage, sorry to disapoint for now-but i will try my very hardest to come up with something subbmission worthy for you soon…i promise…right now i can hardly keep up-i think i bit off alot more than i can chew….oh-kids begging me for food-havent eaten in 3 days-crap little buggers–….A.
**United POT Smokers**
14 Jul 07 at 9:36 am
oh yeah-and i love the little marijuana clicker at the top of the page! pretty coool…..
**United POT Smokers**
14 Jul 07 at 9:37 am
[...] -bagel is busy… reading [...]
A little somethin for the ladies « Ration Reality
26 Jul 07 at 2:37 pm
you play with rocket propelled grenades?
hard not to like that
you look like darla btw
criminyjicket
28 Jul 07 at 6:16 pm
Can’t wait, UPS!
Criminy: Naturally!
My original avatar
bagel of everything
28 Jul 07 at 6:51 pm
nothing says tranquility like the silhouette of someone holding an RPG
criminyjicket
28 Jul 07 at 6:55 pm
I have a tummy ache.
bagel of everything
7 Aug 07 at 11:52 pm
Hey Mensa girl, the antisocialist is still waiting to hear more about the woman who masturbated with a lobster tail.
Drop by the antisocialist dot com sometime. There’s a very lowbrow philosophical conversation going on over there right now.
antisocialist
19 Aug 07 at 4:55 am
Antisocialist: I forgot I promised that story.
Here: The Miracle of Life
bagel of everything
20 Aug 07 at 5:59 pm
Being that you are all pranksters of at the funland of Ration Reality…I think you guys are googling some funny stuff so that I have a search engine list full of crazy shit! The latest: “the name of the cementary r,kellys moth” and that’s where it leaves off…i guess it says where r, kellys (with no period) mother is rotting in. And here is another good one: “animated .gif” “gay kiss.”
Eh. But then again it just may be a bored housewife doing it.
Arm Jerker J.
4 Sep 07 at 10:27 am
I didn’t do it, but I wish I had.
bagel of everything
4 Sep 07 at 10:49 am
What’s funny is I always type R Kelly without the period because I like it better. But whoever is googling, keeps putting R, Kelly. And that just looks ugly. Why do I care? Well because it’s the last of my “vacation” days and I’m drinking wine at 1 p.m.
Arm Jerker J.
4 Sep 07 at 1:16 pm
AJJ: Did you do this one?
Pepperoni Band Germany 4
bagel of everything
4 Sep 07 at 6:56 pm
Damn. You’re really a member of Mensa? I’m a member of Menses, but I don’t think it’s quite the same thing.
Stiletto
7 Sep 07 at 6:39 pm
Was.
I stopped sendin my $50 a few years ago. I think that’s the real IQ test.
I’m also a menses ninja.
bagel of everything
7 Sep 07 at 6:44 pm
You so have to post about this site!
http://lolsecretz.blogspot.com/
It is LOLCats meets PostSecret!
stepher
25 Sep 07 at 3:31 pm
That’s badass, stepher! I’ll see what I can do with it!
bagel of everything
26 Sep 07 at 9:36 am
My “friends” and I started a blog. I wanted to be Meatwad. But, one of those biotches picked it before Ihad a chance to!
trailerparkbarbie
22 Nov 07 at 11:55 am
My biggest respect to the ‘Head B*tches’. They all look hot to me. (And I’m now…).
I inject justice.
Entomo
2 Jan 08 at 8:57 am
I still wuv you. I’m just fucked in the head right now.
Frontier Former Editor
21 Jan 08 at 2:42 pm
Did I just write ‘wuv’? I oughta be kicked in the head. With steel-toe work boots. In the temple, where the bone is thinnest.
Frontier Former Editor
21 Jan 08 at 10:21 pm
Barbie: I wanna see!
Entomo: Head Bitches? Um, no. Head BITCH. There can be only one!
FFE: Too late, you said ‘wuv’. You wuv me!!! I’m sorry your world is shit right now. How can I help?
bagel of everything
22 Jan 08 at 8:54 am
My world’s fairly stable right now - I’m just fucked in the head.
Frontier Former Editor
22 Jan 08 at 1:42 pm
I’m the pot smoking kitty
Terrible Lie
22 Jan 08 at 9:56 pm
[...] bagel of everything said, on January 11th, 2008 at 3:56 pm [...]
Exposing a Fucking Idiot « News of the world {NOW}
28 Jan 08 at 9:20 am
FFE: ?
Terrible Lie: No, I am!
Pingback: lulz
The Bagel of Everything
28 Jan 08 at 9:55 am
:)
bibomedia.com
5 Mar 08 at 6:31 am
:) indeed.
The Bagel of Everything
12 Mar 08 at 11:35 am
[...] bagel « Tax Hike for [...]
Real cities in China, that I just made up « Ration Reality
12 Mar 08 at 1:24 pm
Hey found ya, here is a cool shirt i made on the cafepress account that you showed me, thanks, call me
joey
13 Mar 08 at 2:44 pm
http://www.cafepress.com/rebellionshirts.239994782
joey
13 Mar 08 at 2:45 pm
JOEY!!!
I don’t have your ph.#, sweety.
email me
The Bagel of Everything
13 Mar 08 at 2:51 pm
how funny, i dont have your email,
im xxxxxxxxxx
bagel note: edited out the email. you don’t wanna put your email in plain text around here
joey
13 Mar 08 at 3:15 pm
That’ll get you googled. Right in the backside. You don’t want that.
keywork.
13 Mar 08 at 3:39 pm
[...] the Catholic depiction of the Virgin Mary was based on a vagina, that is until I informed my friend Bagel about this belief and she expressed [...]
The Blessed Virgina « Ration Reality
21 Mar 08 at 5:22 am