The Bagel of Everything « Ration Reality

The Bagel of Everything

Posted by The Bagel of Everything on May 23rd, 2007

do not call me Daria
What is commonest, cheapest, nearest, easiest, is Me. - Walt Whitman

About:

The Bagel of Everything
head bitch in a flaccid world

I am an RPG playin, pirate obsessed mensa ninja.
Feel free to stalk me.
Just don’t say I look like Daria.
I’ve married men for less.

I believe: Meatwad is the best Aqua Teen. “Safeword” should be THE universal safe word. Pickle brine should not be ingested regardless how intriguing its redolence. Everyone should try addictive antidepressants if only for the fun of “forgetting” to refill. The Harvard comma is for pussies, and must only be used when one insists on being understood. Sex is best if the neighbors can smell it. The last feeling before falling asleep is true ecstasy.

My blog posts can be found here: http://rationreality.com/author/bagelofeverything

civiii, bitch rationrealityATgmailDOTcom

I am henceforth to be known as Vanillain, the Vanilla Villain.
I am bent on world domination by only the most conservative and mundane means.
Ya’ll with me?

what fucked version of hello kittie are you? Take this quiz!

74 Responses to 'The Bagel of Everything'

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A.J. Valliant said, on June 4th, 2007 at 8:54 am

“Meatwad is the best Aqua Teen.”

My favorite all time moment on that show involves him and Master Shake arguing some arbitrary pop culture fact…shake contridicting him…Meatwad pulling a gun from his body…Frylock trying to calm him… then Meatwad saying “What does that matter…what does anything matter” then turning the gun on himself and pulling the trigger. Then the show ends.

It was the darkest, bleakest, most satisfying moment in cartoon history.
The Bagel of Everything said, on June 8th, 2007 at 10:37 am

A.J. Valliant came to my blog and left a comment for me. A.J. fucking Valliant!
I think I have to pee…
Note said, on June 9th, 2007 at 12:18 pm

My tarot cards did not lie.

You are a formidable Bagel.
bagel of everything said, on June 11th, 2007 at 11:43 pm

@Note:
Welcome back, sweety!
I missed you so very much.
Yours is the first blog I ever read, and still my first stop for online reading. You inspired me to start blogging…(and the results have probably made you very, very sad inside).
Anybody who can read needs to go read your work, from the beginning.
Galactic Chick said, on June 12th, 2007 at 10:19 am

glad I found your territory. keep up the wonderful stuff.
GC
Frontier Former Editor said, on June 14th, 2007 at 12:31 am

Daria? Nope, more like a Diana Rigg motif going on there . . . .
bagel of everything said, on June 14th, 2007 at 4:40 am

@FFE: Damn! I’ve always wanted to be a bond girl! Not as much as I’ve wanted to be JB, but I’ll take it!
Frontier Former Editor said, on June 14th, 2007 at 6:10 am

Come, come now. Do you want to lie about mouthing “oh James,” or do you want to kick ass along with a bowler-wearing, bumbershoot-wielding gentleman who drives a Bentley?
jody eugenius wilson said, on June 14th, 2007 at 7:06 am

It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your costumes… nerds are get ing so hot, they wanna take their clothes off!
Frontier Former Editor said, on June 14th, 2007 at 8:00 am

To clarify, the bowler-wearing, bumbershoot-wielding gentleman to whom I was referring was Patrick Macnee, not myself
bagel of everything said, on June 14th, 2007 at 8:35 am

@Galactic Chick: Yay! Thanks for comming to see little ol me!

@Jody: Go away, you’re stinkin up the place.

@FFE: Sure, sure…
Frontier Former Editor said, on June 14th, 2007 at 11:18 am

Hey, I’ve got manners . . . .
jody eugenius wilson said, on June 14th, 2007 at 12:50 pm

That was cruel, you dirty bagel. You’re gonna get it. I was jus joshin and you had to go and be, well, you. At least now all these nice people can see how truly evil you are. Eviler than Kneivel. More evilest than a thousand flaming Hitlers. So evil that you skin cats and wear ‘em like hats. In your face. You big disgrace. If I was Freddie Mercury I’d kick your ass all over this place. Boo!
bagel of everything said, on June 14th, 2007 at 1:26 pm

@Jody: Hey, that’s where I recognise your avatar! You look like Freddy in that lil picture! Ha!
jody eugenius wilson said, on June 14th, 2007 at 2:39 pm

Let’s see, who does bagel look like… Jodie Foster in that movie where she plays the retard? Janet Reno? Peggy Hill? I. Y. F.!!!
Jesse Custer said, on June 14th, 2007 at 2:45 pm

Actually, that Hawkgirl picture … shit, Jody, I’d never have picked it out myself, but it -does- kinda look like Peggy Hill in that costume. heh!
Soylent Ape said, on June 14th, 2007 at 6:21 pm

All over the world, guys with steel wool hair and 20-sided dice in their pockets are jerkin’ it right now. Hands off, Third Level Dungeonmasters! Don’t make me throw down the gauntlet. I drove OTR and toured in a rock band. Sleep is my enemy and I can outlast any of you in a RIFFS marathon!
bagel of everything said, on June 15th, 2007 at 3:51 am

@Soylent: Dungeon Masters don’t have levels.
Stona Lisa said, on June 15th, 2007 at 9:39 am

You guys are too damn funny!!
Frontier Former Editor said, on June 15th, 2007 at 12:26 pm

So the Cingular commercial WAS correct about dungeonmasters!
bagel of everything said, on June 16th, 2007 at 8:33 am

Cingular commercials are always correct. I am developing a religion based on them. Wanna join? Free calls in the afterlife!
Frontier Former Editor said, on June 16th, 2007 at 8:00 pm

Why not. As long as I can bring my Spam . . .
I like things « Ration Reality said, on June 17th, 2007 at 3:50 pm

[...] Fresh on Ration Reality Product Test - Chocolate Soldierbagel of everything on J.D. Salinger is Naked Jesse Custer on The Ghosts of Greatness PastSoylent Ape on The Ghosts of [...]
bagel of everything said, on June 22nd, 2007 at 3:03 pm

Spam, indeed bring your spam. We can make Spam Upside Down Pie!
Frontier Former Editor said, on June 23rd, 2007 at 7:09 pm

Damn, and I thought I was happy just with Spam and eggs or Spam sandwiches . . . . you’re a deadly siren of Spam!
bagel of everything said, on June 23rd, 2007 at 8:33 pm

Yet not deadly enough a siren for your blogroll, it seems.
No spam pie for you!
Frontier Former Editor said, on June 23rd, 2007 at 9:18 pm

My unforgivable oversight, soon to be corrected
Frontier Former Editor said, on June 23rd, 2007 at 9:22 pm

Now that’s corrected, lure me to your platter of Spam and canned pineapple slices and maraschino cherry pieces all bound together with cellophane-adorned cocktail toothpicks . . . . . where in hell did I come up with that imagery?
bagel of everything said, on June 23rd, 2007 at 9:28 pm

Mus’nt forget Diet Coke w/ Bacon to wash it all down…
Frontier Former Editor said, on June 23rd, 2007 at 9:31 pm

I was thinking more like Fresca or Tab . . .
Rick said, on July 3rd, 2007 at 10:51 pm

mitsubishi
Bagel of Everything said, on July 4th, 2007 at 7:52 am

uhhhhh…
huh?
yvi-kitteh said, on July 5th, 2007 at 7:21 am

aha eetz a bagel! *nomnom* ;)
Bagel of Everything said, on July 5th, 2007 at 11:19 am

noooo! donut be eatin teh bagelz!

oh, lookie, i made a pun
poseidonsmuse said, on July 5th, 2007 at 10:54 pm

Gosh you are refreshing. By the way - pickle juice is worth a sip or two…and Wikipedia is for wimps….
SEO Hack said, on July 10th, 2007 at 2:24 pm

It’s totally BSFI that you found my crappy little blog. But thanks for stopping by and dropping a line or two!!!
Chernobyl Zoological Park « Ration Reality said, on July 10th, 2007 at 2:30 pm

[...] -bagel has a schoolgirl crush on cheezburger [...]
abarclay12 said, on July 12th, 2007 at 8:13 pm

I love this blog. Can your blog and my blog marry in a civil ceremony?
bagel of everything said, on July 12th, 2007 at 8:49 pm

Can we just live in blog sin for a while?
(unless your blog is wealthy, wellhung, or a big sexy Samoan..mmm Samoans…)
**United POT Smokers** said, on July 14th, 2007 at 9:36 am

hey bage, sorry to disapoint for now-but i will try my very hardest to come up with something subbmission worthy for you soon…i promise…right now i can hardly keep up-i think i bit off alot more than i can chew….oh-kids begging me for food-havent eaten in 3 days-crap little buggers–….A.
**United POT Smokers** said, on July 14th, 2007 at 9:37 am

oh yeah-and i love the little marijuana clicker at the top of the page! pretty coool…..
A little somethin for the ladies « Ration Reality said, on July 26th, 2007 at 2:37 pm

[...] -bagel is busy… reading [...]
criminyjicket said, on July 28th, 2007 at 6:16 pm

you play with rocket propelled grenades?

hard not to like that

you look like darla btw
bagel of everything said, on July 28th, 2007 at 6:51 pm

Can’t wait, UPS!

Criminy: Naturally!
My original avatar
criminyjicket said, on July 28th, 2007 at 6:55 pm

nothing says tranquility like the silhouette of someone holding an RPG
bagel of everything said, on August 7th, 2007 at 11:52 pm

I have a tummy ache.
antisocialist said, on August 19th, 2007 at 4:55 am

Hey Mensa girl, the antisocialist is still waiting to hear more about the woman who masturbated with a lobster tail.

Drop by the antisocialist dot com sometime. There’s a very lowbrow philosophical conversation going on over there right now.
bagel of everything said, on August 20th, 2007 at 5:59 pm

Antisocialist: I forgot I promised that story.
Here: The Miracle of Life
Arm Jerker J. said, on September 4th, 2007 at 10:27 am

Being that you are all pranksters of at the funland of Ration Reality…I think you guys are googling some funny stuff so that I have a search engine list full of crazy shit! The latest: “the name of the cementary r,kellys moth” and that’s where it leaves off…i guess it says where r, kellys (with no period) mother is rotting in. And here is another good one: “animated .gif” “gay kiss.”
Eh. But then again it just may be a bored housewife doing it.
bagel of everything said, on September 4th, 2007 at 10:49 am

I didn’t do it, but I wish I had.
Arm Jerker J. said, on September 4th, 2007 at 1:16 pm

What’s funny is I always type R Kelly without the period because I like it better. But whoever is googling, keeps putting R, Kelly. And that just looks ugly. Why do I care? Well because it’s the last of my “vacation” days and I’m drinking wine at 1 p.m.
bagel of everything said, on September 4th, 2007 at 6:56 pm

AJJ: Did you do this one?

Pepperoni Band Germany 4
Stiletto said, on September 7th, 2007 at 6:39 pm

Damn. You’re really a member of Mensa? I’m a member of Menses, but I don’t think it’s quite the same thing.
bagel of everything said, on September 7th, 2007 at 6:44 pm

Was.
I stopped sendin my $50 a few years ago. I think that’s the real IQ test.
I’m also a menses ninja.
stepher said, on September 25th, 2007 at 3:31 pm

You so have to post about this site!

http://lolsecretz.blogspot.com/

It is LOLCats meets PostSecret!
bagel of everything said, on September 26th, 2007 at 9:36 am

That’s badass, stepher! I’ll see what I can do with it!
trailerparkbarbie said, on November 22nd, 2007 at 11:55 am

My “friends” and I started a blog. I wanted to be Meatwad. But, one of those biotches picked it before Ihad a chance to!
Entomo said, on January 2nd, 2008 at 8:57 am

My biggest respect to the ‘Head B*tches’. They all look hot to me. (And I’m now…).

I inject justice.
Frontier Former Editor said, on January 21st, 2008 at 2:42 pm

I still wuv you. I’m just fucked in the head right now.
Frontier Former Editor said, on January 21st, 2008 at 10:21 pm

Did I just write ‘wuv’? I oughta be kicked in the head. With steel-toe work boots. In the temple, where the bone is thinnest.
bagel of everything said, on January 22nd, 2008 at 8:54 am

Barbie: I wanna see!

Entomo: Head Bitches? Um, no. Head BITCH. There can be only one!

FFE: Too late, you said ‘wuv’. You wuv me!!! I’m sorry your world is shit right now. How can I help?
Frontier Former Editor said, on January 22nd, 2008 at 1:42 pm

My world’s fairly stable right now - I’m just fucked in the head.
Terrible Lie said, on January 22nd, 2008 at 9:56 pm

I’m the pot smoking kitty
Exposing a Fucking Idiot « News of the world {NOW} said, on January 28th, 2008 at 9:20 am

[...] bagel of everything said, on January 11th, 2008 at 3:56 pm [...]
The Bagel of Everything said, on January 28th, 2008 at 9:55 am

FFE: ?

Terrible Lie: No, I am!

Pingback: lulz
bibomedia.com said, on March 5th, 2008 at 6:31 am

:)
The Bagel of Everything said, on March 12th, 2008 at 11:35 am

:) indeed.
Real cities in China, that I just made up « Ration Reality said, on March 12th, 2008 at 1:24 pm

[...] bagel « Tax Hike for [...]
joey said, on March 13th, 2008 at 2:44 pm

Hey found ya, here is a cool shirt i made on the cafepress account that you showed me, thanks, call me
joey said, on March 13th, 2008 at 2:45 pm

http://www.cafepress.com/rebellionshirts.239994782
The Bagel of Everything said, on March 13th, 2008 at 2:51 pm

JOEY!!!

I don’t have your ph.#, sweety.
email me
joey said, on March 13th, 2008 at 3:15 pm

how funny, i dont have your email,
im xxxxxxxxxx

bagel note: edited out the email. you don’t wanna put your email in plain text around here
keywork. said, on March 13th, 2008 at 3:39 pm

That’ll get you googled. Right in the backside. You don’t want that.
The Blessed Virgina « Ration Reality said, on March 21st, 2008 at 5:22 am

[...] the Catholic depiction of the Virgin Mary was based on a vagina, that is until I informed my friend Bagel about this belief and she expressed [...]