Devil’s Haircut
Beck once sang about having a “Devil’s Haircut in (his) Mind”. Well, a dozen years later, I can finally understand what he meant, for I, too, have a devilish haircut on my mind. The only problem is that it’s on my head, as well.
After a couple of minor financial bombs went off in my face, I set out to find ways to downscale my lifestyle. One of the first things I did in accordance was to go to a cheaper barber. I was excited at the prospect of saving $5 over my regular barber.
After years of going through this ritual, I have a pretty good idea of what works for me and how to communicate it to the guy with the shears. “I’d like a number 5 on the sides and back, and 1/2 inch trim on top”, I said. (”Number 5″ refers to the 5th click on the electric trimmer, not a cryptic Beatles reference, although hair professionals usually appreciate my a capella rendition of “I am the Walrus”. Koo-koo-ka-choo.) The elderly barber nodded and set to work. Setting his buzz-cutter to the right position, he made short work of the sides and back of my head.
I’m aware that he did trim my hair on top. It looked a little tall but, then, it always does. (The hair usually lays down after I take a shower.) However, it didn’t this time. Looking in the mirror, I could see that my hair looked almost as long as it did before. To add insult to injury, my closely-cropped sides further accentuate the high-stacked coifs on top. The long, heavy hair sort of spills over on the sides, too, like a shallow mushroom cloud of crude protein fibers. Honestly, it looks like a really bad New-Wave hairdo, or, perhaps like the unfortunate aftermath of several hours of headband-wearing. I feel like I should be playing bass for Loverboy or Billy Squier.
So, now I’m faced with another dilemma: Go and have a barber who knows what he’s doing fix the problem, thereby laying another $12 on top of the $7 I already paid
–or–
Hope that the 2 week rule for bad haircuts holds true.
I believe I’ll take my chances with the second option.
Related posts: Welcome to the Neighborhood - How to be White Trash
Like Lyle Lovett ?
Do what I do, just dont ever cut it.
I keep pondering the idea of cutting my hair, especially on those days when it seems to get in the way more than usuall.
But then my buddy , a pro hairstylist reminded me that once I cut it I’ll have go thru the shit you’re going thru every month.
You can will your hair to some cancer patient if you die.
micky2
20 May 08 at 9:36 am
Well Soy, problem 1, you need to go to a stylist not a barber. Problem 2, you get what you pay for. As a rule if you’re satisfied with what you have why change. I know 5.00 is 5.00 but some things you need to indulge. I pay 50.00 for a haircut and blow dry, 25.00 for just a cut.
capricorn1966
20 May 08 at 11:34 am
With you all the way on option two.
A barber should be able to cut hair. A “stylist” is a barber who pimps “product” and charges twice the price to listen to the sales pitch.
I am trapped in a hamlet with one barber, and no-one who charges less than $15.
It almost makes me long for “Shaky Bob”, the neck-massacring octogenarian from my army days. You got little parallel lines on the back of your neck where he scraped you with the clippers. But it cost $7–Cheapest in town.
Metro
20 May 08 at 11:46 am
This is the gayest post on RR ever.
I love it.
Next you’ll be worried about the using store brand flour when you bake cupcakes, instead of the fancy stuff…all in the name of saving money.
It is gay, because I too blogged about hair today.
And I’m plenty gay.
xo,
Matthew
WDL
20 May 08 at 11:57 am
what’s wrong with just getting a fucking salad bowl and some trimmers of your own? you save money and look awesome. or you could just shave your head.
did he have playboy and penthouse magazines all around the waiting room? Also, did he have any trophy heads on the wall? if not, i don’t think you went to a real barber. i think it might’ve just been a sadist with shears.
seohack
20 May 08 at 1:13 pm
you always could purchase a flowbee
capricorn1966
20 May 08 at 1:47 pm
Illegal Blogging Foul; no posting about a bad haircut without accompanying photo.
LOL Heathen
20 May 08 at 2:07 pm
Yeah, Soy, you ain’t fightin fair here. We needs us a picature.
keywork.
20 May 08 at 3:42 pm
Hes probably in therapy right now
micky2
20 May 08 at 3:48 pm
Hair, hair! We needs photomagraphs!
The 'Goose
20 May 08 at 4:29 pm
Come on now, how bad can a man’s haircut be with a #5? for Christ sake go buy yourself some clippers, Wahl is good, you can buy a decent pair for 60 bucks and you won’t need to go to the barbers anymore . It’ll pay for itself in no time. Then you can fix it with a #4 or a #3 on the sides and a #5 on the top. Make sure you blend the sides with the top and you’re good to go.
capricorn1966
20 May 08 at 4:37 pm
@ Micky: I wish I had the option (not cutting it, but it would bush up in a serious ‘fro-like monstrosity before it was heavy enough to weigh itself down.
@ Capricorn: Men’s haircuts are meant to be very low maintenance. Women’s haircuts are usually meant to be artful and versatile, which is why they go to see stylists. I used a Flowbee. When I got it, I thought it was one of the great investments of my time, but it made me look like an art project. I actually own a set of Wahl clippers. I use them for my goatee, but they wouldn’t last long trimming my mop every month or so.
Metro: Thanks for the back up on that. Stylists always tell me how my hair would look nicer if I used conditioner X and clarifier Y. Fuck that! That shampoo costs $25!
WDL: Pretty spooky how that worked out! However, I’m certain that this post is far from the gayest post on RR. Have you seen this? Or this? Or this?
LOLHeathen, Goose, Keywork: Theater of the mind…theater of the mind.
Soylent Ape
20 May 08 at 9:14 pm
@ SEO Hack: I had a barber who was a raging alcoholic. He was the best barber I ever had–unless he was out of liquor. You don’t want a guy shaking that hard to hold scissors that close to your neck. He had porn in his shop, you could tell he tried to hide it.. He sometimes spent the night there after his license was revoked.
Bagel will gladly tell you that I’m far more interested in my hair than the average breeder, but my taste in dress, cars, music, etc… would be grounds to blackball me from the gay society.
Soylent Ape
20 May 08 at 9:21 pm
soy, yeah they will you have to get a decent pair and keep them oiled. my husband does it all the time he just doesn’t like the way i trim his neck, for some reason it always comes out crooked.
capricorn1966
20 May 08 at 9:30 pm
Cappy: That’s good advice for the average man. I used to buzz my ex’s hair for him…he has smooth soft oriental hair. Soy has a wiry jewfro. He’d have to get the kind of clippers pro. dog groomers use, if he wanted them to last more than a month.
The Bagel of Everything
20 May 08 at 9:35 pm
I go to any haircut place that’s open and costs less than $20. It usually runs around between $15 and $18 for me, depending on whether they gel my hair up or not. Of course, considering I get my hair cut about once every two months, it’s really not that expensive. As far as I know, there aren’t any places around here that go less than $10. There’s an old-fashioned barber shop near my college, but $10 there will only get you a buzzcut. You have to pay just a bit more to get a decent haircut.
Cody
21 May 08 at 1:07 am
My hair is completely unwieldy. I’d shave my head, but my skull has so many knots and dips, I don’t know if I would be bettering myself. Plus, it’d be a bitch to shave with such unevenness.
Soylent-Ape
21 May 08 at 5:56 am
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:
Soy is a pretty, pretty princess.
The Bagel of Everything
21 May 08 at 7:27 am
you dont even want to know what I spend on my hair.
capricorn1966
21 May 08 at 12:10 pm
well you know my hair cut price and that’s once a month. but everything else that I do
capricorn1966
21 May 08 at 12:11 pm
I saw a pic of your hair once Cap and you looked like a fuckin scarecrow
micky2
21 May 08 at 3:14 pm
My parents lived in a town where there were two ‘Beauty Salons’ and one ‘Barber Shop’. The barber there was known as ‘The Mangler”. His shop should have had a biohazard containment kit. One day, when I was about 16, mom told me I needed to get a haircut It was either drive downtown to one of the salons and pay $16, or walk down the street to ‘The Mangler” and pay $5. I figured he wouldn’t live up to the impossible hype. Boy, was I wrong. I got nicked about a half-dozen times on my neck and ears, plus my haircut was all uneaven. I looked like a healthy, teenage Morrissey, only with the back of my pompodour shaved tight and one side about a quarter inch lower.
Soylent-Ape
21 May 08 at 4:38 pm
I have fucking awesome hair.
capricorn1966
21 May 08 at 5:14 pm
when I was in Florida visiting my in laws, my son needed a haircut so my father law sent me to his place, 7.00, well it wasn’t my hair so we went. When I pulled up to the shack and I mean shack because they didn’t even wash hair there, I was leary about going in. It was run down and about as big as my kitchen. but let me tell you the kid that cut Ryann’s hair was awesome. I tipped him 10.00, he said I made a mistake, I said no I didn’t and you really shouldn’t be working in a place like this.
capricorn1966
21 May 08 at 5:31 pm
I remember being 6 years old and over hearing my dad talk about how cool crew cuts were.
About a week later my mom gave me 2.00 to go get my haircut.
I asked the barber to give me a crew cut.
I cried.
micky2
21 May 08 at 6:41 pm
When I was six I remember having lice. It wasn’t like it is now. I had to have a crew cut. Traumatic, I tell you. I was scorn for life.
capricorn1966
21 May 08 at 6:51 pm
@ Cap: I can imagine. I had a classmate in junior high who had lice, but rather than fork over the $5 to buy an over the counter lice kit, her alcoholic dad shaved her bald. (Hey, that put ‘em 2 bottles of Mad Dog ahead.) She just showed up at school with no hair. I really felt sorry for her.
@ Micky: I’ve found that the crew cut always looks better on someone else.
Soylent-Ape
22 May 08 at 5:53 am
ARE YOU KIDDING? Don’t whine. I pay $100 a month. But I’m a black chick and I get all kinds of shit done to my hair. Relaxed (because my hair is always tense), trimmed, styled and then there’s all the products to keep it healthy and look decent and not lppk like the trashy looking hairdos you see on woman hanging out at wig shops. What you pay ain’t shit, Soy. But I DO WANT TO SEE PICTURES. You can’t give that image to me and NOT share photos. That’s not right.
Jenice
22 May 08 at 8:25 am
I say you give Bagel some clippers and scissors…
If that’s just too scary…try Supercuts….they are cheap and usually do a decent job on men’s hair…
Freddy
22 May 08 at 9:19 pm
I went to SuperCuts once. They did a decent enough job.
Soylent Ape
23 May 08 at 10:09 pm
I was at a SuperCuts recently. It was great.
They try real hard to present a fashionably hip facade, so when I walked in looking like I’d just crawled out of the bed (because I had), they serviced me real quick to get me the hell out of there. Didn’t even annoy me trying to push unwanted services on me. Just a spritz from a water bottle, a cut, and the bill. Took all of 8 minutes.
Did a pretty ok job, too. I intend to go there extra-grungy from now on. I hate waiting.
The Bagel of Everything
24 May 08 at 8:18 am