Five Reasons to NOT See a Gynecologist Immediately
Two weeks ago, FoxNews.com released a list of 5 Reasons to See a Gynecologist Immediately.
1. Painful blister-like lesions on the vagina or rectal areas
2. Significant vaginal bleeding
3. Sudden, intense belly pain
4. Post menopausal bleeding.
5. New breast lump
Thanks for that, Fox. I’m sure there’s someone out there who didn’t know. Like this girl, or maybe these ladies.
The internet is awash with reasons to see your doctor. No one ever talks about when to leave your doctor the hell alone. We here at ЯR aren’t in bed with the AMA, and welcome frivolous lawsuits. Just because I have no medical training doesn’t mean I can’t make up medical advice that will probably kill you.
Five Reasons to Leave Your Gynecologist The Hell Alone:
1. Rhythmic abdominal cramping followed by the excretion of a screaming, writhing lump of tissue: It’s nothing. Wrap it in plastic bags and bury it in your backyard. Your maternal instinct will tell you to toss it in a dumpster — don’t do this. As an avid viewer of CSI, I know the dumpster-method never ends well.
2. Unexplained wetness after viewing sexually explicit material: Try the holistic method of inserting a cucumber into the vaginal opening, and wiggling it around. The throbbing means it’s working.
3. Your panties smell like a shady dockworker: Ok, there probably is something wrong with you, but if you see your doctor he will tell all his friends, and they will tell all their friends. Soon, everyone will know you’re a filthy, filthy slut. You don’t want that, do you? Just deal with it. Have someone you trust check your love-canal for sea-life. I recommend a dockworker.
4. A semi-voluntary discharge of a yellowish fluid: This comes from the consumption of water. Your body must rid itself of this indigestible liquid somehow. The Water Council, much like Big Tobacco, wants you to believe you need this. You’ve likely become addicted. Going cold-turkey can be difficult. I suggest weaning yourself with Diet Coke and Whiskey.
5. A tender, dark-pink or brown lump in the center of the breast: Your gynecologist is forbidden, by law, to help his patients with Headlights-On Syndrome. You’ll be needing that dockworker from #3. I hope you kept his number.
Related posts: Ten Gallons of Crazy in a Five Gallon Bucket - The Nipple Extractor - The Miracle of Life
I had three nuts once.
I went to the doc and he candled my sack with a flaslight and then went away for a couple minutes.
He came back with this real shitty look on his face and started to draw a picture of my reproductive system.
I got scared. I thought this was going to be a diagram showing me which part I was gonna lose.
He said I had a urinary tract infection that worked its way back to my nuts and it started a growth on one of em which gave the impression of three nuts.
Actually , when I jacked off and it came out pink was when I was most worried.
He said a little blood from the infection got mixed in with the semen.
Now you know.
micky2
14 May 08 at 6:35 pm
thanks mick, now I can sleep at night
capricorn1966
14 May 08 at 8:12 pm
Dont say I never did anything for you.
micky2
14 May 08 at 9:05 pm
You should have blamed dihydrogen monoxide for #4. Big DHMO is even more insidious than the Water Council.
Cody
14 May 08 at 9:48 pm
Oh! I remember that! It was a science fair project, right?
The Bagel of Everything
14 May 08 at 9:57 pm
Not exactly sure, but there’s a website about it.
http://www.dhmo.org/
Cody
14 May 08 at 11:48 pm
Penn and Teller did a thing at an earth fair about the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide being in our water.
micky2
15 May 08 at 1:16 am
The best thing about wikipedia is that you can edit it to say whatever you want it to say, then quote it in a forum to prove you are right.
The Bagel of Everything
15 May 08 at 1:18 am
The office of Sue Kedgley, an MP in New Zealand’s Parliament, responded to a hoax iquiry about dihydrogen monoxide by saying she was “absolutely supportive of the campaign to ban this toxic substance”.
Soylent Ape
15 May 08 at 5:56 am
DHMO is bullshit. People are always like, “Here. You can have some of mine.” Then the next thing you know, they’re telling me to see a gynecologist.
The 'Goose
15 May 08 at 7:57 am
I once taught a computer literacy seminar in a room next door to the place where they teach CPR to prospective foster parents. That makes me a medical expert. You can just email me with your health problems.
The best part of not being a real doctor: There aint no such thing as blogger/reader confidentiality.
The Bagel of Everything
15 May 08 at 8:08 am
Okay. But only if someone plays Radar.
The 'Goose
15 May 08 at 8:32 am
No way, I’m playing Hawkeye. Radar was a fucking douche.
keywork.
15 May 08 at 8:47 am
My glasses are always dirty, so I guess I’ll be Radar.
Do I get to drink Grape Nehi?
The Bagel of Everything
15 May 08 at 8:54 am
No, but we all get to look at Sissy Spaceks nasty boobs. Thx Bagel.
keywork.
15 May 08 at 8:55 am
She’s the original Thinspiration.
I love Sissy. She read the To Kill a Mockingbird audiobook. It’s great!
The Bagel of Everything
15 May 08 at 8:59 am
She got better with age. I think.
keywork.
15 May 08 at 9:13 am
Wasnt Radar supposed to shmart ?
micky2
15 May 08 at 9:15 am
Yeah. Grape Nehi bodyshots! “Bottom’s up to Sissy Spacek!”
The 'Goose
15 May 08 at 10:42 am
Here’s to Sissy’s backyard.
keywork.
15 May 08 at 10:48 am
I loved this article. Very appropriate to counter the mundane bullshit medicine keeps feeding us.
RJ
15 May 08 at 3:44 pm
Yes, Sissy’s backblog ;b
Thanks, RJ! I’m brilliant, aren’t I?
You could be my friend for $1
The Bagel of Everything
15 May 08 at 7:57 pm
Or, RJ, you could be anally enslaved for another $1.50 if Bagel likes your scent.
keywork.
15 May 08 at 8:13 pm
Ohh! Good idea!
But um…
Can I borrow fiddy cents?
The Bagel of Everything
15 May 08 at 8:47 pm
No. Here’s a loonie.
keywork.
15 May 08 at 9:12 pm
I never really understood how Carrie didn’t know about why she was bleeding. Isn’t that what health class is for?
paperdreamer
16 May 08 at 1:54 pm
Carrie’s mother apparently wasn’t in to ‘giving a fuck’ or ‘loving her daughter’. Apparently.
keywork.
16 May 08 at 1:57 pm
Carrie’s mother believed menstruation came only to women who sinned. She said it was proof that Carrie had intercourse, or at least indulged in impure thoughts.
As for school…I vaguely remember a day in 6th grade when all the boys were taken out of the room and we talked about something. I don’t remember what we talked about; it might have been menarche. I was probably stoned.
Stephen King prolly thought the girls were learning about darning socks and cooking juicy pot roasts.
The Bagel of Everything
16 May 08 at 2:06 pm
Wait, so you CAN’T make a juicy pot roast? I can believe that. But we all know that girls are taught how to cook in school. So you don’t have an excuse.
keywork.
16 May 08 at 2:16 pm
In our school, the boys were told the girls were going to learn about sewing. Which makes sense because “sewing” is a euphemism for “vaginas.” Ask a chicken.
The 'Goose
16 May 08 at 2:17 pm
Yeah. I wish they had given everyone that class in ‘vaginas’. I’m still trying to figure out how they work. Apparently, once the baby comes out, it’s not supposed to go back in. And I always thought that it was like a pocket for stuff you didn’t want others to see. Now I’m thinking that I owe a few females an apology and some vaginoplasty. Stupid bag of hammers.
keywork.
16 May 08 at 2:22 pm
It always comes down to vaginoplasty around here, doesn’t it?
The Bagel of Everything
16 May 08 at 2:26 pm
Well, when you have an actual bone in your cock, then yes, Bagel, it always comes down to or on vaginoplasty.
keywork.
16 May 08 at 2:33 pm
I thought cock-boning was against the law.
The 'Goose
16 May 08 at 3:08 pm
It is in some states.
capricorn1966
16 May 08 at 3:17 pm
Thank you for making me laugh out loud several time! I need that! One of your finest posts Bagel! The picture of Carrie was a fabulous touch!
Freddy
16 May 08 at 10:30 pm
I just loaded it onto digg!
Freddy
16 May 08 at 10:38 pm
i remember they started that teaching about that shit in the fourth grade. they made us watch a movie about taking a bath. What the fuck?
seohack
16 May 08 at 11:12 pm
Neat, thanks Freddy!
Can I get the Digg url for this post? I’ll put one of those yellow ‘digg it’ boxes up.
I searched digg.com for it, but I always fail at finding things on there.
The Bagel of Everything
17 May 08 at 4:47 pm
Here ya go - hope this is what you want:
http://digg.com/comedy/Five_Reasons_to_NOT_see_a_Gynecologist_Immediately
Freddy
17 May 08 at 6:55 pm
That’s it, thanks Freddy :)
The Bagel of Everything
17 May 08 at 7:15 pm
I didnt figure it all out till the Chili Peppers had all the girls throw their tampons up on stage.
micky2
17 May 08 at 10:40 pm