Brand Identity
Ever wonder how we tend to have very strong perceptions about certain high-profile personalities? They’re usually very specific, but very concise personal impressions. What comes to mind when you think of Paris Hilton? Will Smith? Barack Obama? David Bowie? Chances are that if you have a strong identification–positive or otherwise–with any of these people, it’s a good chance part of your perception has been influenced by a marketing technique called personal branding. This is a process by which a public figure (or that figure’s handlers) manage him or her persona in the same way a corporation would manage its product (brand). Therefore, if one were to wish to be seen as a “leader”, “innovator”, “leading man” or “bad girl”, there is a PR firm willing to help you create and maintain that idea.
While nurturing brand identity has been a part of marketing products for centuries, it is a relatively new development in terms of marketing a person. It is taking on a new dimension among the candidates in the US Presidential elections. To go one further, many non-celebrities are using personal branding techniques to help advance their careers and personal lives.
Now, we have people being commodified through branding. Since turnabout is fair play, I thought it would be enlightening to take established product brands and speculate what kind of traits and behaviors they’d have, were they people.
Dr. Pepper: Has a practice out in the suburbs and lives in a gated community. He gets behind the wheel of a Lexus most days, but sometimes drives a Land Rover Discovery on days when he’s feeling “rugged”. He just got accepted into the county’s most exclusive country club. In the throes of a mid-life crisis, Pepper’s trophy wife isn’t cutting it anymore, so he’s diddling his PA. He’s not holding out hope for a Smiths reunion tour.
Mr Pibb: Helped landscape Pepper’s McMansion when the development first opened. He lives in a double-wide out by the rail yard. Right now, he’s a couple of payments behind on his Chevy Colorado pickup, but he’s sure that he’ll get the bid for the new office park next week. In the time he’s not laying turf and planting seedlings, he can be found casting at the trout pond down the road. He’s got a lazy-ass wife and 3 ungrateful punk kids back home and he wonders why he busts his own ass for them. Big & Rich’s last CD is in his truck right now.
Mrs. Winner’s: Runner-up, Miss Georgia 1978. She had a promising modeling career and a development offer from the Ford Agency, but that lying sonofabitch Marvin Winner’s knocked her up. She decided to do the right think and married the asshole, but when he bolted, she knew her runway dreams were fucked. She resents rolling biscuits all day for surly truck drivers and loud-ass families, but it pays the mortgage. Once her son gets out of med school, she’s confident he’ll buy her that condo in Savannah and take care of her retirement–that’s the hope that helps her get up at 5 AM.
Midas Muffler: is son of the Chicago Mufflers. Midas was given his name in the hopes that he’d acquired his father’s buisiness acumen. While his prep-school pals were playing soccer, the young Muffler was eagerly studying schematics of intake manifolds and forced-induction systems. By his 2nd semester at Northwestern, he was on the verge of failing. His parents could no longer hide their disappointment. An offer of an apprenticeship and certification at a local garage seemed his last shot at redemption. Now, 2,500 Midas outlets later, Midas Muffler can finally say he is a businessman his late father could be proud of. He thinks his 12 year-old daughter will make a great CFO.
Burger King: was a well-known singer and comic with a variety show back in the ’60s. One day, he went off his medication and, subsequently, hit the streets, eventually making it to Miami. He became known as “The Burgher King”, insisting he was a descendent of Dutch royalty. He even fashioned himself an elaborate crown out of wire coathangers and Play-Doh. Despite the brutal heat and humidity of a South Florida summer, The Burgher King insists on cultivating a full beard and wearing thick, wool robes year-round, maintaining it is his obligation to his “subjects”. He earns his walking around money grilling tasty, made-to-order burgers for hungry tourists and club-goers around South Beach, where his colorful personality isn’t questioned much.
Racistsayswhat?
Kevin
25 Apr 08 at 10:20 am
Can I help you, young man?
The Bagel of Everything
25 Apr 08 at 10:25 am
AIDS never happened.
keywork.
25 Apr 08 at 10:46 am
Stonewall! Stonewall!!!
The Bagel of Everything
25 Apr 08 at 10:54 am
Don’t playa hate, masturbate.
Kevin
25 Apr 08 at 10:57 am
Look, I’ve never seen it, so it doesn’t exist. Just sayin.
keywork.
25 Apr 08 at 11:06 am
Oooo, I’m sensing a contest in this. The Brand Bio contest? Whatever Happened to…?
Excellent post Soylent.
Mark
25 Apr 08 at 11:17 am
I will never buy anything associated with Billy Mays.
I swear he sounds like he used to do collections on old people
micky2
25 Apr 08 at 2:04 pm
This site is run by rabid anti-squirrelites.
The 'Goose
25 Apr 08 at 2:14 pm
So is my site.
keywork.
25 Apr 08 at 2:18 pm
Kevin.
Shootem with yer pussy.
http://newmedia.funnyjunk.com/pictures/sniper.jpg
micky2
25 Apr 08 at 2:26 pm
Oh noes!!!!!
We should probably do something about this.
The Bagel of Everything
25 Apr 08 at 2:43 pm
Yea, lets paint skunks to look like racoons
micky2
25 Apr 08 at 2:48 pm
Look at what the squirrels did to Kevins tree.
http://www.funnyhub.com/pictures/pages/neighbors-gardening.html
micky2
25 Apr 08 at 2:53 pm
Geez, micky…
What is this faggotry?
The Bagel of Everything
25 Apr 08 at 2:56 pm
Motherfuck you, Bert. Somebody fuck this bitch up.
keywork.
25 Apr 08 at 3:00 pm
Bagel.
Easter needs a tree also.
Hey boss.
You want me to e mail the racoon broiler ?
micky2
25 Apr 08 at 6:24 pm
Bert ain’t all bad…
The Bagel of Everything
25 Apr 08 at 8:49 pm
Blech! New wordpress.com feature: “Possibly related posts”, which uses keywords to link to posts on other blogs. I’m happy to share the wealth, but it interferes with our own setup.
Here’s what I told them at the announcement post:
I changed my mind after commenting, deciding to leave it. Hopefully they’ll change the wording. In the meantime, please note that “related posts” links are previous RR posts chosen specifically by me, while “Possibly related posts:” are offsite and chosen randomly by software.
The Bagel of Everything
25 Apr 08 at 9:53 pm
Thanks, Mark! I’m glad you liked the post. Feel free to base a contest around it.
I can’t imagine raccoon would taste that good. Squirrel is pretty tasty, though.
Soylent-Ape
25 Apr 08 at 11:12 pm
Whoa!
For the first time, WordPress.com has censored me!
They mod their comments, and have posted sycophantic comments left after mine, without posting my mild complaint.
SHAME ON YOU!
The Bagel of Everything
26 Apr 08 at 11:57 am
Did you try again?
micky2
26 Apr 08 at 2:48 pm
Yeah. I said pretty much what I just said here. I’m not angry with them, but I am disapointed. I’ve always been proud to be among wp users. I’m trying hard to give them some credit …maybe the person who approved the comments is waiting for a higher up to ready a response.
The Bagel of Everything
26 Apr 08 at 5:14 pm
WP is probably a covert anti terrorist operation and you sent up some flags
micky2
26 Apr 08 at 5:28 pm
Ok now I’m pissed.
I’d gone into the wordpress forums, to discuss the issue.
I found a thread where another blogger was complaining that adult content was showing up on family blogs. I made a suggestion.
After a bit, I went back to see if there were any responses. The opening message of the thread was no longer the user complaint, but a message from the admin, pretty much saying what I’d suggested — with no notice that a change had been made. Now, my comment looks like I was simply repeating what had been said. I don’t care about getting credit for my idea, just don’t make me out to be an idiot! Changing the opening post when a discussion is already underway is dirty pool.
http://en.forums.wordpress.com/topic.php?id=27284&replies=23
The Bagel of Everything
26 Apr 08 at 5:46 pm
Plagaristic cock sucking vermin.
Transfer your last comment here to the thread there
micky2
26 Apr 08 at 7:14 pm
Nah, I’m trying for some diplomacy over there. I hope I’m just overreacting. I’ve always respected Matt and the rest of the wp team. This is breaking my cold little heart.
Also, I want to have his babies.
nerd lust.
The Bagel of Everything
26 Apr 08 at 7:32 pm
haha cute. Love it.
Freddy
26 Apr 08 at 8:13 pm
And you know hes reading this.
micky2
26 Apr 08 at 8:21 pm
Oh fuck bagel, I just looked at Matt.
(gerf)
This guy looks like he has a mayonaisse IV hooked to him and shits mustard.
micky2
26 Apr 08 at 8:24 pm
Hey, he just let Micky leave that last comment. Maybe he was’t monitoring , just then.
Soylent Ape
26 Apr 08 at 9:34 pm
maybe he was makin a samich
micky2
26 Apr 08 at 10:16 pm
I ain’t a skeered of Matt!
Kevin and I have been fighting over his hot ginger ass for months.
The Bagel of Everything
27 Apr 08 at 6:47 am
Yay! They’ve taken my advice!
It now says “Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)”
I’d hoped it would mention that the posts were offsite, but it’s close enough.
I’m happy now :)
Weird that it no longer shows up on this post. It does on others.
The Bagel of Everything
27 Apr 08 at 6:49 pm
I think that is the best possible compromise.
Soylent-Ape
27 Apr 08 at 10:59 pm
My comment got posted, finally.
Weird. I got an email from dreamboat, though!
I’m all done bitching. I need to learn to shut the fuck up and trust Matt. He’s hot, and therefore a good person.
The Bagel of Everything
28 Apr 08 at 7:54 am
Bagel: you’ve got mail. And shut the fuck up and trust the Matts of the world.
keywork.
28 Apr 08 at 8:16 am
The Bagel of Everything
28 Apr 08 at 9:00 am
I am Walt Whitman.
Soylent Ape
30 Apr 08 at 5:05 am
Yes, I have the best email sig ever.
The ad on the top of my gmail says:
Funny Quote of the Day - PJ O’Rourke - “Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.”
I love that!
The Bagel of Everything
1 May 08 at 2:38 pm
O’ Rourke is no Walt Whitman.
Soylent Ape
6 May 08 at 12:08 pm