12 ways to kill a weekend
HE SAID, SHE SAID: Twelve Things to do on a Slow Weekend
Soy’s list:
12. Tackle an Olympic torch-bearer for peace.
11. Walk through your neighborhood, picking fights.
10. Set up a model railroad layout and blow it up, Gomez Addams-style.
9. Sleep like a motherfucker!
8. Turn on your weather band radio; do a shot of Jaegermeister for each “severe weather” alert.
7. Go to a bird sanctuary and teach the parrots swear words.
6. Rip off David Letterman with impunity.
5. Watch Austin City Limits to see if there will be a bleeding-heart singer-songwriter or jangly indie band playing.
6. Go to an arthouse cinema. Pretend you actually understand what the film’s about.
5. Watch Seriously Hilarious.
4. Exercise.
3. Learn all the U. S. Presidents in alphabetical order.
2. Build-Your-Own-Burger.
1. Hassle your favorite blogger for 48 hours.
Bagel’s list:
12. One up Soy by creating own list.
11. Out nap your cat.
10. Enjoy the mania from “forgetting” your meds.
9. Play the Mario Bros theme song with a remote control car
8. Ask grandmother what grandfather was like in bed.
7. Ask grandmother what grandfather was like in bed. (She has Alzheimer’s …and, apparently, popaw was a backdoor man.)
6. Surf wikipedia for porn.
5. Read half the Warriors series
4. Calculate the exact amount of grape Koolaid, per pound of bodyweight, it takes to turn a person’s poop bright green.
3. Click the random post link repeatedly. Watch stats soar.
2. Hit brother up for $5k to buy an adult site. Seriously, I did that.
1. Two words: Bacon bra.
That’s not me. Shuddup.
Get dressed up and visit 2 million dollar open houses and pretend you’re interested in buying.
Be a professional mourner and attend funerals you don’t know.
capricorn1966
18 Apr 08 at 9:38 am
Ok, someone in #9 really needs to get laid.
capricorn1966
18 Apr 08 at 9:41 am
Bagel, that’s too bad, I like bacon. Oh, here’s what I’m doing: Going to Arbor Fest, getting drunk on microbrews and littering profusely. Fuck you, Mother Earth.
keywork.
18 Apr 08 at 9:43 am
I like bacon too! I also enjoy shaving my pits.
Seriously lady, shit or get off the pot. That stubble ain’t helpin anybody.
The Bagel of Everything
18 Apr 08 at 9:45 am
I got locked up on a Halloween that fell on a friday. I was in for the whole weekend till I could go to court on monday.
What a fucking blast. All weekend they kept bringing in these characters who had their costumes on.
The cops didnt know who was really a transvestite and who was just dressed up as one. They threw a bunch of real trannys in with us and one got his ass kicked all over the tank. His wig went flying one way, his foam tittys went the other way, dress up over hid head.
Other guys were making tents with their blankets and getting blow jobs.
I was lucky. I was across the walkway in my own private felony cell. So I got to watch and say whatever I wanted and nobody could do shit
micky2
18 Apr 08 at 10:11 am
Omg. You actually found a picture with two things I hate in it! Make it my sister in law wearing the bra …and its instantly a magic three!
xo,
WDL
PS happy passover to all the hundreds of thousands of Jews who read this site.
wdl
18 Apr 08 at 10:20 am
Leave it to a gay jew to spoil our bacon and titties party!
That’s the thing I don’t get about gay men. I mean, sure, man on man action is super hot, but…breasts! Seriously, breasts! How can you not like breasts?
(Yes, I know that sounds retarded. I’ve not had a joint in a week. Don’t piss with me.)
Oh, and happy “please G-d, don’t kill my firstborn” day!
The Bagel of Everything
18 Apr 08 at 10:26 am
How does one sleep like a mother fucker? Shouldn’t you be out fucking mothers?
“That’s the thing I don’t get about gay men. I mean, sure, man on man action is super hot, but…breasts! Seriously, breasts! How can you not like breasts?”
That’s what trannies are for, dear. Here in DC we have a huge market for it. Don’t believe me? Hit up any sex trade site and you’d be amazed at what our local guys have a hankering for…
Stiletto
18 Apr 08 at 10:36 am
Sausage strap on ?
micky2
18 Apr 08 at 10:39 am
Now that’s ingenious. Not only can you fuck it or fuck someone with it you can eat it and get rid of the evidence. Why didn’t Bill think of that?
I swear, this is deja vu. Didn’t we have this convo elsewhere?
Stiletto
18 Apr 08 at 10:49 am
That picture had it half right, bacon on the boobs should be extra crispy.
Maybe I should try it later and have a boob-off with this chick.
I’ll make sure to wax my pits.
Bee
18 Apr 08 at 10:52 am
We have this convo everywhere.
The Bagel of Everything
18 Apr 08 at 10:52 am
we have this convo everyday.
Bagel, I know a straight man who don’t like breasts. I had a conversation with him last summer in my store and mentioned that it was nice talking to a man that didn’t stare at my breasts the whole time. He said, “I’m not a breast man but I could lick your legs all day long.”
capricorn1966
18 Apr 08 at 11:29 am
I, for one, am a gay Jew who would love some bacon titties. Over me, not on me.
Milk and meat together! Kosher? Oh, sure!
Scott
18 Apr 08 at 11:33 am
Thats cuz he thinks your a tranny and was probably staring at your crotch instead.
micky2
18 Apr 08 at 11:34 am
1 out of 2 gay jewish librarians from chicago agree: bacon bras WIN!
The Bagel of Everything
18 Apr 08 at 11:35 am
@Capricorn — I always imagine straight guys who like small or no breasts also like little girls. I’m not accusing… just imagining.
Bacon bras come in second to bacon thongs OH GOD NO THEY DON’T NOW I’M IMAGINING BACON IN MY… ok, I’m leaving.
Scott
18 Apr 08 at 11:38 am
oh god now i’m imagining bacon in scotts….
be back in 5 minutes :)
The Bagel of Everything
18 Apr 08 at 11:50 am
that is so unkosher.com, I can’t even express it in proper words.
no one should ever let pork products touch their genitals.
sheep intestines, yes…but only if you are allergic to latex.
and I stand firm. (not in that way).
xo,
WDL
wdl
18 Apr 08 at 11:59 am
Scott, you’re wrong on that one, I’m sure.
capricorn1966
18 Apr 08 at 12:04 pm
Jesus died for my right to rub swine flesh on my bikini area!
Embrace him!
The Bagel of Everything
18 Apr 08 at 12:05 pm
I once met a guy who conned me into fucking bareback. He claimed he was allergic to all types of condoms - latex, sheepskin, blah blah blah. Talk about being young and stupid!
Thank God I got rid of him last year.
BTW, my boyfriend never liked breasts, just legs. But since he’s met me he goes nuts over ‘em. We can finally get more variety in our KFC bucket.
Stiletto
18 Apr 08 at 12:06 pm
“oh god now i’m imagining bacon in scotts….”
Bacon is Scott’s ass or bacon in Scott’s toilet paper tissue? You really need to chew better if you’re finding particles of food in your t.p.
Stiletto
18 Apr 08 at 12:08 pm
Oh, and just for the record, I wipe with Scott’s. They make the best t.p. No flakes on the floor or in you crack. Fuck Charmin. It’s so soft you could..well, fuck Charmin.
Stiletto
18 Apr 08 at 12:09 pm
Hey, is menstruation kosher? I’m hoping my boyfriend eats me on my period for lunch.
Stiletto
18 Apr 08 at 12:11 pm
he he.
Stills boyfriend works at KFC.
micky2
18 Apr 08 at 12:22 pm
Could be worse, he could work at one of those KFC/TacoBell gas station joints.
keywork.
18 Apr 08 at 12:26 pm
Still;
:I once met a guy who conned me into fucking bareback. He claimed he was allergic to all types of condoms - latex, sheepskin, blah blah blah. Talk about being young and stupid!
Thank God I got rid of him last year.”
A year later and now shes Einstien.
@ Key:
Looks like things are gonna get worse.
I founda picture of Stills boyfriend.
http://k43.pbase.com/o4/65/76265/1/64552615.w5HoymRm.IMG_2166buckethead.jpg
micky2
18 Apr 08 at 12:54 pm
Ouch.
keywork.
18 Apr 08 at 12:55 pm
I think you could create an entire line of breakfast food lingerie:
-dollar pancake pasties
-Belgian waffle babydoll
-cheese (string) omelette thong
The possibilities are endless (and all edible). That should kill at least a morning and an afternoon.
Mark
18 Apr 08 at 3:35 pm
That’s just wrong, Micks. He looks nothing like my boyfriend. Eerily enough, he looks EXACTLY like my brother.
Don’t forget, Key Love, I’m the poster girl for your PAR TAY. And if that’s all I am to you, [sniff]. then you need not more. Trust me though, I’ve got more cells luking in the crack of my cleavage than Micks does that angry tiny head of his.
“-cheese (string) omelette thong”
Gross. Is that thong come naturally fermented?
Stiletto
18 Apr 08 at 4:53 pm
Did I just say “is that thong?” MY apologies. Belgian beer and Chard don’t mix.
Stiletto
18 Apr 08 at 4:54 pm
I haven’t forgotten, you’re still all silvery on my blog. We just don’t see you very often, so, when we do, we have to give you shit.
keywork.
18 Apr 08 at 5:12 pm
Still;
“I’ve got more cells luking in the crack of my cleavage than Micks does that angry tiny head of his.”
Used “D” cells dont count.
“Did I just say “is that thong?” MY apologies. Belgian beer and Chard don’t mix.”
Sounds like you cant afford to lose what few brain cells you got left
Fermentation is a proven way to deplete whatever you had in the first place
micky2
18 Apr 08 at 5:14 pm
Nice lists kids….
Bagel: We need a pic of your bacon bra…do you prefer it fried or raw? Are the Warriors books good? I’ve always wondered…
What adult site did you buy?
Soy: I used to love blowing up models when I was a kid! What fun! Jaegermeister shots are awesome, especially if you’re taking those shots while teaching the birds swearwords and you bring along your beebee gun…
Interesting how you both have sleeping and napping…I like also..
Freddy
18 Apr 08 at 6:47 pm
I don’t know, I just wander in here once in a while and I find a bacon bra, gay jews that like tits–or not, I’m not sure. and the best Halloween ever.
well, gotta go, gotta sleep like a motherfucker. he’s snoring to wake the dead—
Rowan
18 Apr 08 at 10:48 pm
@ Freddy: I used to blow up models when I was a kid, too–usually after doing shots of Jaeger in a bird sanctuary.
@ Rowan: I haven’t seen so many gay Jews since…well, work this morning. Now, I’m going to go sleep like a motherfucker.
Soylent Ape
19 Apr 08 at 1:10 am
Stiletto: Yes
Micky: “Used “D” cells dont count.” <— oh snap!
Mark: Muffin mudflaps? Crepe banana-hammocks?
Freddy: Fried offers more support, while raw is softer on delicate skin. He didn’t make with the cash. “I’ve got 2 kids to feed and a mortgage!” waaaaaa. & yeah, Warriors is awesome. I bought the first book a long time ago, but couldn’t get into it. Then Soy picked it up and loved it, so I bought the rest of the series for him for Easter. I gave it a second chance last weekend and was HOOKED!
Rowan: We’re cosmopolitan like that.
Soy: I used to blow models, for Jeager shots. They were Sears and Wal-Mart models, but still…
The Bagel of Everything
19 Apr 08 at 2:03 am
Truth is, Key, now that I’m on WordPress I hate Blogger. I wish you’d switch over, our comments section is so much better.
Stiletto
19 Apr 08 at 9:42 am
“Soy: I used to blow models, for Jeager shots. They were Sears and Wal-Mart models, but still…”
Was this before or after you blew guys in the Denny’s parking lot for creme de menthe?
Stiletto
19 Apr 08 at 9:44 am
Bagel;
I used to light my models and throw them off the roof.
That was when Sears had a really good return policy
micky2
19 Apr 08 at 11:50 am
I’m terribly interested in this new adult web site Bagel. Especially if you have full bacon layouts.
LOL Heathen
19 Apr 08 at 11:51 am
@ LOL Heathen: How’s treyfsmut.com for a URL?
Soylent Ape
19 Apr 08 at 12:35 pm
So are the two of you having a slow weekend?
If so, what activities are you engaging in from you list?
Freddy
19 Apr 08 at 8:23 pm
Stil: Can’t it be both?
Heath: We should so make a site that takes the term ‘food porn’ to literal extremes. You with me? There’s a sale on canned tamales at the Food Lion — it could be magical.
Freddy: 4. Exercise
HA! Not even!
I had a nap earlier. I got a book in the mail, I’ll prolly read a bit. A few turns of Travian, maybe watch this awesome DVD that Superhero sent me.
I seem to be bleeding uncontrollably from my genitals, so I’m not going to be doing much. What you got planned?
Oh, and I had an idea that’ll change the world. I need a graphic designer, stat! If anyone knows one who’ll donate his/her services, I’d be ever grateful.
Edit: The graphic design is completely unrelated to food porn. I swear it
The Bagel of Everything
19 Apr 08 at 9:10 pm
@Bagel - I’m totally with you, but hey, this is the internet, there’s NO way food porn isnt literal. Come to think of it, I think I have a few videos already.
@Soylent - too denominational for my tastes.
LOL Heathen
19 Apr 08 at 9:40 pm
fullfrontalgourmet.com ?
The Bagel of Everything
19 Apr 08 at 10:01 pm
Bacon Chalupas
micky2
20 Apr 08 at 12:41 am
@ Freddy: So far, I’ve…
1) Walked through my neighborhood (No one was out to pick a fight with, though.)
2) Napped like a catfucker
3) Read a Warriors book
4) Watched Austin City Limits (Featuring former Kinks frontman Ray Davies, who was patently awesome.)
5) Exercised
6) Watched Seriously Hilarious, which I do all the time, anyway.
7) Ripped Letterman off (obviously)
8) I hit the random link dealie (We encourage you all to do the same)
9) I get to hassle my favorite blogger anytime I want.
I’m hoping to build-my-own-burger later, if Bagel wants to go.
Soylent Ape
20 Apr 08 at 10:10 am
If I can get bacon on my burger, I’m in.
The Bagel of Everything
20 Apr 08 at 10:17 am
I’d go get burgers with you guys…hmmm..bacon burger sounds good!
I’m in Sunday photoshop hell..the shit takes so long and then you’re not even sure if you like what it took you an hour to make..ugh.
Freddy
20 Apr 08 at 2:57 pm
At least you have some idea of what you’re doing. Photoshop, to me, is like voodoo or cooking–I have no idea how it works. I’m great with ink and paper, though.
Soylent Ape
20 Apr 08 at 4:05 pm
Pig fat, yum.
micky2
20 Apr 08 at 10:41 pm
I don’t eat pork, but I sometimes make an exception for bacon.
Soylent Ape
21 Apr 08 at 5:57 am
Freddy: You can read the first 63 pages of the first Warriors book here, free.
The Bagel of Everything
21 Apr 08 at 8:58 am
Soy;
“I don’t eat pork, but I sometimes make an exception for bacon.”
Thats just code for ” I screw ugly chicks when I’m drunk”
micky2
21 Apr 08 at 11:35 am
Micky would know.
Stiletto
21 Apr 08 at 3:31 pm
Still sweety.
I’ve been clean and sober for 15 years.
But if I remember correctly your Belgian beer and Chardonnay mix was just a couple of days ago.
I saw a picture of your boyfriend and hes not hitting the cover of any GQs real quick, trust me.
XXOO
micky2
22 Apr 08 at 1:25 am
Thats just code for ” I screw ugly chicks when I’m drunk”.
…because we’re all just frat boys at heart.
Soylent Ape
22 Apr 08 at 5:24 am
More like, you’re just a man. Period.
“But if I remember correctly your Belgian beer and Chardonnay mix was just a couple of days ago.
I saw a picture of your boyfriend and hes not hitting the cover of any GQs real quick, trust me.”
Can’t say I blame you for being confused but I’ve never posted a picture of my boyfriend.
Stiletto
22 Apr 08 at 6:24 am
You know, I can’t be a hypocrite. I too have been guilty of screwing ugly chicks when drunk.
Stiletto
22 Apr 08 at 6:25 am
Still;
“Can’t say I blame you for being confused but I’ve never posted a picture of my boyfriend.”
All 30 of them.
Yes, I have had company that I would rather the neighbors not see. So when I call a cab for the wench the next morning I instruct them to pull into the garage so she doesnt parade out to the sidewalk letting the neighbors know just how fugly she was and how shallow I was.
micky2
22 Apr 08 at 9:50 am
Well, one time I had sex at the beach with some ugly guy. Ok, he wasn’t that bad but I’ve had better. Even drunk I realized that I didn’t want to see this guy in the light so I made him darken the room PITCH BLACK.
The next day my friends were like, Tell us you didn’t. I lied and said of course not.
See? All that for nothing too. At least Bagel did it for booze.
I swear these comments better disappear once I turn famous.
Stiletto
22 Apr 08 at 12:25 pm
Depends.
Are gonna be famous for ugly fucks ?
micky
22 Apr 08 at 12:31 pm
No way! If anything, famous for FAMOUS fucks. It’ll be ugly though.
Stiletto
22 Apr 08 at 10:41 pm
Step right up my friends to the show that never ends.
See the gypsy queen in a glaze of vasoline.
She slips she slides on her belly like a reptile.
She fucks and she sucks, all for two bucks.
Step right up my friends.
Step right up.
micky
22 Apr 08 at 11:12 pm
OMG GIMME!
The Bagel of Everything
23 Apr 08 at 5:35 am
I’d hate - not, take that back - I’d LOVE, to see Micks when he’s NOT sober.
Stiletto
23 Apr 08 at 4:01 pm
NO - YOU - WOULD - NOT
Its like putting rocket fuel in a lawnmower.
micky2
23 Apr 08 at 5:29 pm
Wow. I think I like this place, lol.
Noble
24 Apr 08 at 2:14 am
Welcome, Noble!
My doggie is named Noble. When I saw your comment, I thought Soy was playing a trick on me.
It’s a good name.
The Bagel of Everything
24 Apr 08 at 9:15 am