Porn is AWESOME « Ration Reality

Porn is AWESOME

with 119 comments

I love porno-puns. Check it:

Written by The Bagel of Everything

April 4, 2008 at 7:42 am

Posted in nsfw, parody, porn, ribaldry

119 Responses to 'Porn is AWESOME'

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“Lust in space”

Where do I sign up?

capricorn1966

4 Apr 08 at 8:24 am
could you imagine Leave it to Beaver being X rated?

“What did you today Beav?”

“Well ma, I got my dick sucked while getting my tenth tattoo.”

“That’s nice dear now get the fuck upstairs and clean that pig sty of a room and get rid of the hoe that’s under the bed.”

“aw, mom, you can join in next time.”

Ward comes in from a long day at work, June greets him with nothing on but a robe. Ward is bending over in the fridge while June comes up behind him putting her arms around his waist to caress his large cock. She undresses him slowly pressing her naked body against his. She pushes him against the table and sucks every inch of him before she…..

capricorn1966

4 Apr 08 at 8:40 am
June always was wearing a pearl necklace…

How’s about Little Ho’s on the Prairie?

The Bagel of Everything

4 Apr 08 at 8:42 am
I always thought Michael Landon was sexy.

capricorn1966

4 Apr 08 at 9:00 am
I kinda wanna see “Boobs on Fire”, just to see if it’s true to its title.

Kinda of an obscure fetish

The Bagel of Everything

4 Apr 08 at 9:07 am
omg. no gay porn titles? i feel that your website is totally not representing my community. i’m so upset, i’m totally going to have gay sex. and not alone this time.

xo,
WDL

WDL

4 Apr 08 at 9:11 am
lulz

I asked Kevin for one, but he didn’t come through. We should all be very ashamed of him.

Enjoy your “lifestyle”

(injokes are fun. injokes exclude others. therefore, Socrates was a Heather)

BTW: I stumbleupon’d your newest post — It’s chock full of win.

The Bagel of Everything

4 Apr 08 at 9:21 am
Jesus, I always felt like hetero sex was under-represented on this site, WDL. Bagel, I have a thing for boobs on fire also. You’re not alone.

keywork

4 Apr 08 at 9:38 am
Hetero sex is very much represented here, KW…
It’s just from a girl’s point of view.

Mmmm…delicious cock.

The Bagel of Everything

4 Apr 08 at 9:42 am
Dont racoons have like 8 tits ?

micky2

4 Apr 08 at 9:48 am
Yeah, micky, and they’re flammable. Bagel, that’s why it always feel like Rome in here.

keywork

4 Apr 08 at 9:54 am
splain, plz

The Bagel of Everything

4 Apr 08 at 9:58 am
Well, like old Rome. You know, the one with all the orgies and such. ‘When in Rome’ Rome. ‘My Soldiers Fuck Each Other’ Rome. Dig? No?

keywork

4 Apr 08 at 10:03 am
mmm…soldiers fucking eachother.
Let’s talk more about that, ok?

The Bagel of Everything

4 Apr 08 at 10:08 am
See? Guess it’s all about special interest.

keywork

4 Apr 08 at 10:17 am
It’s not my fault that gay men worship me!

The Bagel of Everything

4 Apr 08 at 10:20 am
They do? Are they aware of this?

keywork

4 Apr 08 at 10:21 am
Here, have a vagina.

The Bagel of Everything

4 Apr 08 at 10:22 am
I’ve already used that one. Apparently.

keywork

4 Apr 08 at 10:45 am
Key
I thought your were talking about Rome burning
Ethanol tittys.
Green sex

micky2

4 Apr 08 at 10:49 am
Bagel,

I do *NOT* worship you, being the straightest man alive but…

… where do you live, by the way? Address, please. I want you.

E.

Entomo

4 Apr 08 at 12:34 pm
E: “Straightest Man Alive”? I’m more inclined to believe that you actually have superpowers, man. That’s a lofty claim.

keywork.

4 Apr 08 at 12:39 pm
worship, stalk…same diff.

The Bagel of Everything

4 Apr 08 at 12:42 pm
Bagel if you set your boobs on fire for me, I’ll worship you the rest of your life. I’ll even stalk you if you want.

I love the first porn-pun because she’s grabbing herself.

capricorn1966

4 Apr 08 at 1:25 pm
Wow, you’re a dirty girl!

Ok, they be flamin’. Make with the worship.

The Bagel of Everything

4 Apr 08 at 1:28 pm
Do you prefer fondling or bowing

capricorn1966

4 Apr 08 at 1:41 pm
I prefer the fondling. my back is stiff and if I have to bow, I may never get back up.

capricorn1966

4 Apr 08 at 1:48 pm
Bagel;
Cap can suck her own ass.
I guess titty fucking is out of the question now. Unless you want a glow stick

micky2

4 Apr 08 at 1:55 pm
Do you prefer fondling or bowing
Can’t it be both?

I’d not have guessed you were down like that, Cappy.
Let’s party.

Yes, micky. My tits are hott.

The Bagel of Everything

4 Apr 08 at 2:03 pm
These are great! I love House on Hooter Hill…there’s a lot of funny gay ones too..
Can RR do a Gay Porno Puns? …..Gayracula is one I remember…

Freddy

4 Apr 08 at 2:08 pm
Let me know when someone sets their vagina on fire.

keywork.

4 Apr 08 at 2:08 pm
Gayracula?

Count Drac is back - and this time he’s sucking more than just necks! Count Gaylord stalks the streets of L.A. for the hunkiest victims to ever succumb to lust, as well as his enemy, the Marquis de Suede.

hahahaha

IMBD says: This plot synopsis is empty.

Exactly.

The Bagel of Everything

4 Apr 08 at 2:23 pm
O.K
Everyone is invited to keys barbeque this weekend.
We got flambe` tittys. Pussys basted on the spit.
And I’ll be working the weeny roast.

micky2

4 Apr 08 at 2:39 pm
would that be the eeny weeny roast?

capricorn1966

4 Apr 08 at 3:25 pm
If you got it, Ill flaunt it.

Tits and pussy are on fire this weekend.

capricorn1966

4 Apr 08 at 3:27 pm
Bad micky, bad. That last sentence was completely uncalled for.

Cody

4 Apr 08 at 3:32 pm
Cap.
Remember the calamari restaurant ? It’ll be more like an endless Gyros.

Cody.
I said it anyway, what are you gonna do about it ?
Hurt my feelings ?
If you’re offended you can roast your own

micky2

4 Apr 08 at 3:49 pm
Uncalled for? Maybe I misunderstood that last sentence because I don’t bust on anyone I don’t know and I had to say this because I would of gone all weekend thinking I did something that was , um, uncalled for.

capricorn1966

4 Apr 08 at 3:50 pm
calamari it is, then.

capricorn1966

4 Apr 08 at 3:51 pm
I think our handsome young Cody was taunting micky, Cappy.

The Bagel of Everything

4 Apr 08 at 4:05 pm
thanks, cause you know, I don’t want to hurt anyone’s eeny weeny feelings. I’m sensitive like that.

capricorn1966

4 Apr 08 at 4:10 pm
Cap;
Have another one.

micky2

4 Apr 08 at 4:11 pm
How are you able to type, Cappy, what with all the fondling and worshiping of me you’re sposed to be doing?

The Bagel of Everything

4 Apr 08 at 4:15 pm
Her clit is like a medusa

micky2

4 Apr 08 at 4:19 pm
my fingers are magic. wait and see.

capricorn1966

4 Apr 08 at 4:28 pm
“Boobs on Fire” is one of Dylan’s more lowbrow songs.

Soylent Ape

4 Apr 08 at 4:56 pm
Keywork,

What’s wrong with BOTH the assumptions? You don’t know me, after all.

(by the way, are you male or female? Just wondering).

E.

Entomo

4 Apr 08 at 5:32 pm
They’re assumptions. That’s what’s wrong with them.

keywork.

4 Apr 08 at 5:43 pm
Key is not your type Entomo.

micky2

4 Apr 08 at 6:27 pm
I think raccoons eat insects

The Bagel of Everything

4 Apr 08 at 6:28 pm
But does it happen when you think of it ?

micky2

4 Apr 08 at 11:02 pm
raccoons eat pussy just like men do. Doesn’t make them any different.

capricorn1966

5 Apr 08 at 12:49 am
As KW’s daughter, I’m half raccoon.
That explains alot.

The Bagel of Everything

5 Apr 08 at 9:44 am
Bagel eats pussy half the time or all the cats are missing in Keys and bagels neigborhood.

micky2

5 Apr 08 at 10:09 am
omg. this has spiraled out of control! no one should be setting their va jay jays on fire, or breasts, or pee pees, or any other part that should be covered by a bathing suit.

and thanks for the kudos Bagel. It was a fun post to write.

and i am enjoying my lifestyle. i think i’ll enjoy it some more this afternoon. twice.

xo,
WDL (how do I get a little icon next to my name? Do I need to be a wordpresser?)

WDL

5 Apr 08 at 10:40 am
WDL: Signing up at wordpress.com is prolly the easiest way — you don’t have to make a blog or anything. I think you can use gravatar.com as well.

Also, pics or it didn’t happen.

We’re collecting naked pics of bloggers. You need to be #6.

The Bagel of Everything

5 Apr 08 at 10:54 am
Wait..hold up everyone.

“Jesus, I always felt like hetero sex was under-represented on this site” - Keywork

It just occurred to me — you’re wrong and you should feel bad. While pictures of hot naked boys may seem a touch fey, remember that it’s a woman who is posting them. When I post sultry pics of men, it’s likely the closest to hetero you’re going to ever get from me.

What makes a homo-esque post? A blogger posting sexually suggestive same gender pictures. You know, like this post.

mmm…delicious breasts.

The Bagel of Everything

5 Apr 08 at 11:04 am
you guyz are fun. husby sayz that it should be house of cheekz, not freeks. and he has a strange collection of porn. He collects scifi porn. he has star trek, star wars, barbarella, and some other ones, one took place entirely on a gate in a fence, or was it a ladder and some parallelograms, I forget. I’m not too interested except for the giggle factor because you know all those green or blue or furry or hoseface aliens, they all have white guy dicks. if it’s not orange or bifurcated, it’s not all that alien to me.
and btw, it’s sometimes useful to be omnisexual. that encompasses men, women, objects and vegetables.

Rowan

5 Apr 08 at 5:20 pm
I thought it was “homotastic,” not “homo-esque.” Also, I am a Heather and I exclude others. But that’s only because people different than me are stupid and wrong.

The 'Goose

5 Apr 08 at 6:47 pm
Rowan: Give us some titles!

Goose: Definitely “homotastic”
I stand corrected.

The Bagel of Everything

7 Apr 08 at 7:49 am
Ok, I am wrong. Raccoons eat insects, Bagel is sorta straight, and no fires on the genitals.

keywork.

7 Apr 08 at 8:26 am
“Fire in the hole!” Wait. What?

The 'Goose

7 Apr 08 at 12:38 pm
Keywork,

You’re boring, my friend.

More than “assumptions”, they are “truthful infos”. That’s it.

Have a good day, Racoon(?).

E.

Entomo

8 Apr 08 at 8:29 am
Entomo:

My numbers would suggest otherwise. People don’t like to read boring banter. And we’re not friends, by any means. At best, we are oddly acquainted. Through RR. And that’s fine. What is boring is your ‘machismo’ schtick. It’s a tad bit overplayed. But enough, I have succeeded in keeping you from, well, dressing up in spandex for a day maybe. Hard to inject anything when you’re stuck arguing with a raccoon.

KW: We Squash Bugs.

keywork.

8 Apr 08 at 8:54 am
So is it moot now that Alotta Fagina called? She wanted something back, and though I’d like to say what it was, it’d besmirch this blog with unprovoked rudeness. And I’ve got my hands full besmirching it with unprovoked stupidity. No, thanks!

The 'Goose

8 Apr 08 at 9:25 am
Goose smirch

micky2

8 Apr 08 at 9:28 am
Bad mood?

The Bagel of Everything

8 Apr 08 at 9:31 am
Me? I’m in a homotastic mood! But sometimes I have to keep myself from saying things that are rude-like. Is that weird? Does anyone else have that?

The 'Goose

8 Apr 08 at 9:37 am
No, my filter fell out long ago.

keywork.

8 Apr 08 at 9:44 am
Key: But we’re talking about jean-licking now. Priorities, plz. Kthx.

The 'Goose

8 Apr 08 at 9:58 am
Oh, my bad.

keywork.

8 Apr 08 at 10:06 am
Denim does wonders for scraping off the white gunk on your tongue

The Bagel of Everything

8 Apr 08 at 10:11 am
You would know.

keywork.

8 Apr 08 at 10:14 am
I’m sayin…

The Bagel of Everything

8 Apr 08 at 11:01 am
Yeah you are.

keywork.

8 Apr 08 at 11:03 am
Can I lick your jeans plz?

The Bagel of Everything

8 Apr 08 at 11:05 am
Sure. Why not.

keywork.

8 Apr 08 at 11:10 am
Yes goose, I have it constantly.
I fight my verbal demons on minute by minute basis

micky2

8 Apr 08 at 11:43 am
“What is boring is your ‘machismo’ schtick. It’s a tad bit overplayed. But enough, I have succeeded in keeping you from, well, dressing up in spandex for a day maybe. Hard to inject anything when you’re stuck arguing with a raccoon.”

‘Machismo’ what? Mr. Raccoon, I’m just being myself, that’s all. (…).

Racoons squash bugs, but Insect-Men squash raccoons. It’s matter of specific life cycles. (wink).

Finally… I have a very long tongue. And now I’m serious.

E.

Entomo

9 Apr 08 at 8:53 am
Face it, you’re no Tick. Also, ‘Entomo’ rhymes with ‘homo’, not ‘mojo’.

keywork.

9 Apr 08 at 9:14 am
“but Insect- men squash racoons. And now I’m serious”

Ooookay.

micky2

9 Apr 08 at 9:17 am
And Killer Tomatoes will rule the earth. Ya know, after the um, Insect-man, um, Jesus I can’t even type this with a straight face.

keywork.

9 Apr 08 at 9:20 am
They’re out there.

micky2

9 Apr 08 at 9:29 am
Yeah, and apparently ‘They’ don’t like raccoons. I always thought Mothra was cool though.

keywork.

9 Apr 08 at 9:31 am
“‘Machismo’ what?”

Entomo! The word was “schtick.” Rhymes with “Tick.” Also with “dick.”

Now, “dick” is American slang for “penis” or “manhood,” sometimes “detective.”

The 'Goose

9 Apr 08 at 9:39 am
I have senile old friend thats like 70 years old and calls me Mothra.
I remember when I was kid seeing those two little japanese fairies singing to Mothra. I think thats when I got my first boner.

micky2

9 Apr 08 at 9:55 am
Big surprise, Micky. I’m grabbing my fly swatter.

keywork.

9 Apr 08 at 10:06 am
Dont do that. Or I’ll start in on the nurse again

micky2

9 Apr 08 at 10:36 am
I’m not after the moth.

keywork.

9 Apr 08 at 10:39 am
O.K. Just checking.
You know me, little over defensive sometimes.
Especially when it comes to my boner stimuli.
I’ve got a 5 gal. vat of pyrethrine and a pressure sprayer?

micky2

9 Apr 08 at 10:53 am
Sounds like a good setup.

keywork.

9 Apr 08 at 11:03 am
I love it when men fight over me.
Rip his shirt!

The Bagel of Everything

9 Apr 08 at 12:30 pm
Only if you’re going to be wearing spandex later, Bagel.

keywork.

9 Apr 08 at 12:55 pm
I’m wearing bike shorts right now. Good enough?

They’re all sweaty from running.

The Bagel of Everything

9 Apr 08 at 1:10 pm
Good deal.

keywork.

9 Apr 08 at 1:12 pm
OMG WE WIN AT THE INTERNET!

We’re the 5th google result for awesome porn
That’s one above awesomeporn.com

Thanks guys. I love you all.

The Bagel of Everything

10 Apr 08 at 4:25 am
But do you love us like yams?

The 'Goose

10 Apr 08 at 8:30 am
“Face it, you’re no Tick. Also, ‘Entomo’ rhymes with ‘homo’, not ‘mojo’.”

The Tick? I’m handsome, man. The Tick must be from Texas, likely. (wink).

‘Entomo’ (= my name) must be pronunced the other way, Keywork. Have you done your homework, man?

E.

Entomo

10 Apr 08 at 1:58 pm
… Bagel, I’m here for you, and you even know that. (laugh).

Protect me like I’d be your child or rape me like I’d be your husband (wait, I don’t need protection).

E.

Entomo

10 Apr 08 at 2:03 pm
Sorry, I know all I need to know about bugs. Also, I am an American Asshole, and if I think it rhymes with homo, then it does. And I thought I was eccentric. Oh, that’s why you wear a mask, it’s because you’re so handsome. Ok.

keywork.

10 Apr 08 at 2:05 pm
I’d have to rape you to get any?

I don’t think youd be a good husband for me.

The Bagel of Everything

10 Apr 08 at 2:21 pm
I thought you were into the protect/rape thing.

keywork.

10 Apr 08 at 2:23 pm
Keywork,

I wear a mask because beauty can be really boring, sometimes.

Jokes apart, guess what? I’m a anarchist crimefighter. So I need that.

E.

Entomo

10 Apr 08 at 6:32 pm
Wait…you fight anarchistic crime, or you’re an anarchist who fights crime?

Someone out there trying to peddle commodities other than love and sex, or trying to claim ownership of property?

Damned capitalists.

The Bagel of Everything

10 Apr 08 at 6:47 pm
“Wait…you fight anarchistic crime, or you’re an anarchist who fights crime?”

The latter one, my sweetness. (wink).

E.

Entomo

11 Apr 08 at 3:24 am
Again, I’m going to need a translator. I always imagined that superheroes were bent on bringing about order, not chaos. Sounds more like a supervillain.

keywork.

11 Apr 08 at 8:17 am
Anarchy isn’t chaos, KW.
Also, it doesn’t need crime fighters, Entomo.

You both should read up on it.

The Bagel of Everything

11 Apr 08 at 1:04 pm
It’s an idea, not a reality, you could never get everyone on board. I always think of it being a bit chaotic, that’s just me.

keywork.

11 Apr 08 at 1:14 pm
So, you’re saying that if everyone was completely free to do whatever they wanted, we would have a stable environment? Not buying it, humans have too much of a fascination with power and authority. Fuck the government, and everything, but um, well, I’ll pass on anarchy.

keywork.

11 Apr 08 at 1:19 pm
I’m not an anarchist. I’m just saying that’s not anarchy.

The Bagel of Everything

11 Apr 08 at 1:31 pm
Nothing’s anarchy. And noone is truly an anarchist.

keywork.

11 Apr 08 at 2:10 pm
Keywork,

I’m an Agent of Balance. I fight ABOVE Order and Chaos, enthalpy and entropy in need to restore a balance between them. Equilibrium = justice. I inject justice.

I’m just “free”, so I belong to a not-dangerous breed of anarchists.

E.

Entomo

13 Apr 08 at 2:02 pm
Thanks for clearing that up, dear.

The Bagel of Everything

13 Apr 08 at 2:28 pm
Yea, would be a bitch if there was more than one. They’d be a fuckin
They would have larve, pupas, cocoons, maggots and shit.
Then you would have anarchy.
Locusts.

micky2

13 Apr 08 at 2:39 pm
“If he injects justice, they’ll all inject justice! It’ll be anarchy!”

The 'Goose

13 Apr 08 at 5:26 pm
Do female insects have stingers in which to inject with ?
Or would those be the hermaphrodite and tranny bugs ?

micky2

13 Apr 08 at 6:47 pm
” a not-dangerous breed”

No such thing, chief.

“Hey, Fuckass, we gotta get you a book of proverbs, cause this mix and match shit just ain’t workin.”

keywork.

14 Apr 08 at 9:53 am
Entomo.
Can I make suggestion without some kind of mutiny taking place on my ass ?
Come out of your exoskeleton already man. The bug thing is kinda thin already.
You can only fart so many times in a row before its not funny anymore.
You seem like a fairly nice guy.
but I’m just baffled as to how long you can keep up the act without it becoming irritating.
I by no means am claiming anything near normalcy or perfection. I like to play too, I am head of security for a racoon running for president. But I dont do it 24/7

micky2

14 Apr 08 at 12:49 pm
“Entomo.
Can I make suggestion without some kind of mutiny taking place on my ass ?
Come out of your exoskeleton already man. The bug thing is kinda thin already.”

This is not an “act” or whatever. I’m a REAL Real Life Superhero. This is my life. This is my path. ‘ENTOMO’ is not a “cool nickname on a screen’, it’s what I do, it’s my D.N.A, my destiny.
I’m an Agent of Balance: detective, crimefighter (patrols), environmentalist.
Sex is just an hobby. (wink).
If I’m here it’s *BECAUSE* I like this site and the company of Bagel, Soylent and many others, including YOU.

Pleased with my answer?

E.

Entomo

15 Apr 08 at 9:58 am

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Porn is AWESOME

119 Responses to 'Porn is AWESOME'

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