9 movies that suck…
9 movies that suck but you have to see them anyway because everyone else has and you’ll never know what people are talking about unless you suffer through them
1. Men in Black
Ever pull the wing off a fly? Care to see the fly get even?
Oh noes! There are aliens living among us, being all allegorical about race relations! Someone call the Mib Squad: The first, last, and only line of defense against the most ham-fisted metaphors in the universe!
2. Titanic
The unsinkable ship is sinking! Fortunately, I have a doctorate in applied physics and have spent years calculating the specific counter-intuitive actions that will save us from just such an event! (later…) Oh, sweet forced irony! I died anyway!
Check out ESLnotes.com’s Annotated Titanic Quotes:
Grab an oar! Let’s go!
”To grab” means to physically hold or take.
3. Sleepless in Seattle
Attractive yuppies who can’t get dates (?!) hook up via talk radio, and live waspily ever after. It’s Fatal Attraction, minus the interesting bits.
4. You’ve Got Mail
See above, change ‘talk radio’ to ‘Craig’s List’.
5. Brokeback Mountain
Some folks call it sodomy. I call it hot man on man action. Urm hmm.
Seriously, folks… did Heath Ledger’s fake western accent sound like Billy Bob in Slingblade to you?
6. Forrest Gump
A retarded retard simple man does retarded things triumphs over life’s many obstacles, retardedly with great stoicism. We all learn from his retadedtry special insight. And something about a box of candy that I think symbolizes retard masturbation perseverance.
7. Napoleon Dynamite
A retarded retard geeky teen does retarded things triumphs over life’s many obstacles, retardedly with great exhuberance. We all learn from his retadedtry special insight. And something about a wetback running for student body president that I think symbolizes gay love friendship.
You had me at Zenu.
Hey! You got your sports movie in my romantic comedy! In the demographics game, much like anorexic tits, less is more. Features: butterface sex, cloying dialog, and educated black people.
9. Wayne’s World
A movie based on a skit from a sketch show, about 2 losers who get hired to make a (… wait for it… wait for it…) TV show. This media4 consists entirely of catch-phrases repetitively screeched in cumbersome Chicago accents. I recommend that you do watch this movie, but skip all the parts without Tia Carrere. Call me gay, but I’d totally be her scissor sister.
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UMMM!!!! these are like some of the AWESOMEst movies EVERRRR!!!! OK JK… they sorta suck…well not suck, their pretty good…. well ok their just not as bad as u say that are
Spencer Schoeben
24 Mar 08 at 12:38 am
hahahah….yes some of these movies are good…some being like 2…I’m still a Brokeback fan - no surprise there! But some of these movies do suck ass and what you wrote about them was fuckin hilarious. My fave is what you said about Napoleon Dynamite. LMFAO I hate Nora Ephron movies also (Sleepless and Mail)..they all suck. You could do a whole list of just those!
LA Retail Slut
24 Mar 08 at 12:53 am
Spencer, you should go to Hollywood and see if you can get them to give your balls back.
We are so inundated with crap, we don’t even question it anymore. Try something original, like Lucky, Perfect Strangers, or Buffalo Soldiers.
Don’t get me wrong — I don’t hate on movies just because they’re popular. Some of my fave movies are way famous: Full Metal Jacket, Fight Club, Waterworld, The Boondock Saints, Shaun of the Dead. (I’ve never been good at being a girl)
I can’t wait to see Be Kind, Rewind
LA: I so hate Brokeback. While I love that a gay-themed movie made such an impact on the mainstream, the movie was shit! It was 2 hours of “look, we’re gay but we’re still men. See all the manly things we do? That’s cuz we’re manly men!”
Apologist logic makes me vomit.
Edit: I just followed your link, Spencer. Didn’t realize you were a kid. That was a very strong and funny comment for an ankle biter; you’ve got real potential! Wait a few years before watching ANY of those movies I just recommended, k? They will hurt your mind.
Oh, and when a guy named Micky starts emailing you for pics, tell a grown up immediately.
The Bagel of Everything
24 Mar 08 at 1:02 am
I still love you even though you hate Brokeback:)…I get what you’re sayin tho.
You know what’s funny tho, there’s this South Park episode where they spoof a hollywood film festival taking over South Park…Do you know it? Anyway, one of the movies at the festival was about two gay cowboys eating pudding and doing all these brokeback things…the episode was made years before brokeback…so interesting that they satirized something in independent films that hadn’t happened yet!
And we all know Hollywood does not give balls back, so Spencer is screwed.
I think it’s sad in Hollywood how everything is a fuckin sequel, from a book, or a star vehicle for some crappy comedy or stupid crime drama.
LA Retail Slut
24 Mar 08 at 2:11 am
Maybe Matt & Trey read the book.
Also….eating pudding? Is that a euphemism for something incredibly hot? If not, can it be? Tell me a story :)
The Bagel of Everything
24 Mar 08 at 2:17 am
Hehe Bagel, I went to Spencer’s blog too…
Spencer: Your blog looks great! Liked the video of your grandma trying to ripstick with gwen stefani song. At least she tried. My grandma would have to.
LA Retail Slut
24 Mar 08 at 2:19 am
Xanadu. I’ve never watched more than five minutes.
I would do stupid things to be with Tia Carrera.
Blade runner was the best. Racheal Hunter is totally fuckable
micky2
24 Mar 08 at 2:32 am
The reason Wayne’s World is full of catchphrases is because it came up with all of them.
It’s still a movie only a child of the ’90s would love, though.
Cody
24 Mar 08 at 2:51 am
Micky: Blade Runner rocked, as did Escape from New York & New Jack City. Dunno why, but those 3 films are linked somehow in my mind.
Cody: I know, love. I hate the repetition because they’re obviously forcing those catchphrases onto us. I prefer the ones that are soooo awesome they need only be said once. Like every single line of dialoge in FMJ.
The Bagel of Everything
24 Mar 08 at 3:16 am
When Titanic came out, I took it as a point of pride that I never lowered myself to go see it. Years later, my then girlfriend guilted me into watching it. I tried to go somewhere else in my mind…
As a rock’n'roller, a former cable access performer and musician, Wayne’s World was purely insulting. Penelope Spheeris makes great punk rock “scene dramas” and documentary films, but formulaic, big-budget comedies are definitely not her forte.
You shouldn’t talk about Micky like that. That was low.
@ LARS: I didn’t like Brokeback, either. It was purely for technical reasons. The movie was very clunky and disorienting from a cinematic standpoint. Ledger seemed to be out-of-place. If someone besides Ang Lee, who had previously done very epic Chinese features, had directed it, perhaps it might have had a chance. The movie would have worked better if it were less about scenic shots and more about the intimacy of the 2 leads. Gyllenhall’s performance was pretty good, though.
I am right with you on Hollywood being bankrupt of any originality, though. Enough with the sequels and remakes!
@ Micky: A childhood fixation with Olivia Newton-John was the only thing that helped me watch Xanadu. I watched it a few years ago and had to turn it off. Awful movie.
Soylent Ape
24 Mar 08 at 4:17 am
I haven’t seen half of those, but Napoleon Dynamite’s one of my favorites.
@ Soylent — Did you childhood fixation get your through any of her Christmas specials? My favorite is the one where she’s trapped in a cabin with her children and a sexy but jaded stranger who hates nature until he falls in love with her. The one where she’s a manniquin is pretty good too.
Scott
24 Mar 08 at 8:50 am
…fucking pronouns…
Scott
24 Mar 08 at 8:51 am
The list fails for the inclusion of Brokeback Mountain, which you didn’t get because you’re a redneck girl.
Kevin
24 Mar 08 at 8:53 am
Brokeback Mountain fails because we saw more of Ella Enchanted than Donnie Darko.
Scott
24 Mar 08 at 8:54 am
omg kevin, there’s no way you liked brokeback!
Even if you do want to make squirmies with moleface, you’ve got to admit its a ridiculous, self conscious, pandering film.
The Bagel of Everything
24 Mar 08 at 9:01 am
Bagel, if you’d like to see Escape from New York, Bladerunner, Mad Max, 28 Days Later, and pretty much every apocalypse movie made in one go, all you have to do is watch Doomsday. As a bonus, it has an extreme closeup of Malcolm McDowell’s nose pores. m.
Mark
24 Mar 08 at 12:01 pm
Mark: Ohhh! I love me some nose pores!
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
A picture of Scott on the toilet, on icanhascheezburger!
You totally have to vote for it.
The Bagel of Everything
24 Mar 08 at 12:10 pm
Its just some guys knees and a pussy
micky2
24 Mar 08 at 12:25 pm
it’s scott’s knees.
Scott from like 5 comments up.
The Bagel of Everything
24 Mar 08 at 12:40 pm
You’ve seen Scotts knees before ?
I’m gonna tell Keyser
micky2
24 Mar 08 at 1:16 pm
I stoled it from his blog.
He did a photo essay….nekkid
The Bagel of Everything
24 Mar 08 at 1:21 pm
has everyone forgotten the ONE redeeming factor about Brokeback Mountain (which was unnecessarily long, tedious, boring and overrated) -
ANNE HATHAWAY TOPLESS!!!!!!!
i watched the movie all the way until the end in the hopes of a full frontal of her. God bless Anne Hathaway and God bless her lovely bosoms.
seohack
24 Mar 08 at 1:35 pm
Brokeback Mountain was great, you’re just hating on it cuz you think its cool to do so.
Reasons Brokeback rocked.
1) Heath Ledger slams Jake Gyllenhaal in the ass.
2) The scene where they haven’t seen each other in years, and Jake comes back to say hi, and they started violently making out has to belong in the top 10 sexiest scenes in movies ever made!
3) Michelle William’s life gets all destroyed because Heath is having pig sex with a man. Haha dumb bint.
4) Its a love story that isn’t a chick flick. Most gay movies suffer from that. They’re gay movies that are chick flicks in disguise. Ew.
5) “look, we’re gay but we’re still men. See all the manly things we do? That’s cuz we’re manly men!”….do you even remember who you are talking to here? Duh! Why would you be surprised that I liked that!
Kevin
24 Mar 08 at 2:01 pm
Oh and the tenth movie is the most obvious pick, which is Passion of the Christ!
Kevin
24 Mar 08 at 2:03 pm
Well fuck it then man ! Just bust out the gay rank porn
micky2
24 Mar 08 at 2:04 pm
@ kevin - nah, i don’t hate it cuz it’s trendy to do so. i hate it cuz it was like watching a fucking wyoming tourism bureau movie with the only bright spot being Anne Hathaway’s Grand Tetons. I fucking get it, Ang Lee!!!! they’re in the goddamm mountains!!! And yes, we know what that fucking represents!!!!!!! now lets get on with the fucking show!!!!
anyways, yeeaawwwwnnnnn. 2/3 of it should have been left on the editing room floor.
seohack
24 Mar 08 at 2:18 pm
Deliverance with love
micky2
24 Mar 08 at 2:58 pm
Ham-fisting is the best Easter ritual ever.
The 'Goose
24 Mar 08 at 3:19 pm
@ Kevin: I agree that, much like Brokeback Mountain The Passion of the Christ was very indulgent and rode waves of hype. However, here’s the critical difference: from The Robe to The Ten Commandments to Gladiator, Historical pieces and ancient/Biblical pieces can usually get away with being epic because the setting and context is so in contrast with our own. Much like a war re-enactment, the historical nature of the material lends itself to melodrama.
Love stories are principally about the relationship between the main characters: the intimacy, the empathy and/or the distance. It’s usually not about wide shots of chariots racing through the desert or panoramic helicopter views. In fact, that tends to take the viewer away from the relationships I mentioned. Also, there was a lot of ancillary material in the film that really had little- or no purpose other than to make it longer. Art is subjective, though.
Soylent Ape
24 Mar 08 at 4:11 pm
Deliverance was in the mountains.
micky2
24 Mar 08 at 4:19 pm
Goose, yea.
I started fisting when I stuffed my first turkey. While de boning a ham I discoverd the ham was a alot tighter.
micky2
24 Mar 08 at 4:21 pm
Hold on! I’m taking notes… “Ham tighter than turkey.” Got it.
The 'Goose
24 Mar 08 at 4:30 pm
The ham queefs too.
micky2
24 Mar 08 at 5:37 pm
SEO: Anne Hathaway? You mean the secretary from The Beverly Hillbillies? And you’re right on about the tourism bureau.
Kevin: It’s cool to dis Brokeback? I figured it would be the other way around. I’ll admit — I prolly would have liked it more if either one of the guys was attractive. It wasn’t close to the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but it fell so short of it’s hype that it belongs on this list.
The Passion totally belongs here, I didn’t think of it. It was unwatchable. Why the hell did Mel insist on making it in Aramaic when we don’t even know for sure what Aramaic sounded like?
The Bagel of Everything
25 Mar 08 at 4:37 am
Were I the author of this post, you can bet your ass the Austin Powers movies would be on the list!
Soylent Ape
25 Mar 08 at 6:22 am
Soy,
I watch Hackers just so I can imagine Angelina blowing me.
very predictable “good guy wins , gets girl movie” like a million others, but hey, even Austin has its entertaiment value, even if its just the pussy factor.
I was raised in the 60s, was your classic hippie.
I think some of the Austin 60s retro shit is funny
micky2
25 Mar 08 at 1:22 pm
Hackers is a stupid movie, but I love it anyway.
The Bagel of Everything
25 Mar 08 at 1:38 pm
That’s what I thought when I watched Titanic. Jack was a young pauper how did he know to do all that stuff?
alabastard
25 Mar 08 at 2:04 pm
Killer tomatoes has to be the best example of ” love to hate it”
micky2
25 Mar 08 at 2:26 pm
Mos def, Alabastard.
Micky: Have you seen the preview for Harold & Kumar Goto Git’mo? It’s going to be awesome!
The Bagel of Everything
25 Mar 08 at 3:40 pm
Is it political ?
I’m a gitmo fan
micky2
25 Mar 08 at 4:07 pm
It’s comedy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_NOc6yH5JY
“had I known that the monkey had AIDS, I never would have done that.”
The Bagel of Everything
25 Mar 08 at 4:17 pm
@ Micky: There were some hilarious scenes in the Austin Powers movies. (”Your grandmother is a /man/, baby!” “Feel the power of the Alan Parsons Project.”) I just think it’s so slapstick and over the top that it’s just too overwhelming to watch. I never finished the second one because I couldn’t take it.
@ Bagel: It looks like Harold and Kumar might be crossing into Austin Powers’ territory. Liked the first one, though.
Soylent Ape
26 Mar 08 at 6:08 am
I like slapstick stuff…I’d watch the Three Stooges any day.
Explosions, sex, and humorous physical violence; I’m a typical guy.
Cody
28 Mar 08 at 3:01 pm
Are they ultra-smooth hardcore porn movies? If NOT, I’m not interested. (laugh).
Jokes apart, I like sci-fi b-movies like ‘The Philadelphia Experiment’ or psychedelic sh*t like ‘El Topo’. I’m very American when coming to movies.
E.
Entomo
29 Mar 08 at 11:31 am
Soy: I didn’t hate Austin Powers.
Cody: I normally hate slapstick, but I loved BubbleBoy. Have you seen it?
Entomo: Was the Philadelphia Experiment a b-movie? My first reaction was “wtf? P-E wasn’t a b-movie, you silly insect man!”, but I looked it up….and you just may be right. What would you say constitutes the American taste in films?
The Bagel of Everything
29 Mar 08 at 11:55 am
I like spectacular but meaningful movies, featuring outstanding ideas and intriguing actors. I don’t mind if they are A-budget or B-budget flicks. Many 70ies/80ies B-movies are FAR better than most of the overhyped A-movies that Hollywood is producing these days. Americans can do terrific B-movies.
I hated Titanic with a passion. Empty shell.
E.
Entomo
29 Mar 08 at 4:55 pm
I hated Titanic with spectacular apathy.
Entomo: Did you see your shoutout in the middle of this post?
The Bagel of Everything
29 Mar 08 at 5:12 pm
“Seriously, folks… did Heath Ledger’s fake western accent sound like Billy Bob in Slingblade to you?”
Heath Ledger can do no wrong. Except, well..DIE.
Stiletto
1 Apr 08 at 6:14 pm
You are a comic genious, I must say! I almost pee’d myself reading Napolean Dynamite. Nice work.
salon1
4 Apr 08 at 2:29 am
WIth all the hype surrounding that movie The Ruins, it has to suck.
Soylent Ape
4 Apr 08 at 6:18 am
Salon1: I love your blog’s tagline!
“Not for the hair on your head, but for the cobwebs inside”
Damn skippy!
The Bagel of Everything
4 Apr 08 at 7:38 am