The Blessed Virgina
Deviant wrote this for us, because he thinks about vaginas kind of alot.
I believed everyone knew that the Catholic depiction of the Virgin Mary was based on a vagina, that is until I informed my friend Bagel about this belief and she expressed shock.
Let me explain…
As a raised Catholic, my connection with the Virgin Mary is a doozy. In the Catholic faith the Virgin Mary is treated like a goddess, though the church would claim otherwise, calling her a mortal that rose to heaven is semantics.
In Catholicism, there were special prayers sent to the Virgin Mary that were on par with prayers you would send to Jesus (or baby jesus if you were feeling especially kawaii).
The Virgin Mary is a loving force to be reckoned with in Catholic dogma. It was an honor for latin mothers, aunts, and grandmothers to give their children symbols of Our Lady of Guadalupe, the Mexican version of the Virgin Mary. My mother gave me an Our Lady of Guadalupe medallion; which was slightly odd because she hates Mexicans, but I figured that her home country of Guatemala couldn’t afford a Virgin Mary of their own.
Our Lady of Guadalupe was presented to the Aztecs by the Spanish clergymen who wanted the Aztecs to relate the Virgin Mary to their more ancient Goddess Tonantzin.
Tonantzin is more of a Pagan mother badass. Some people believe that Tonantzin–being more of an old God of creation–transferred some of the old Vagina symbolism into Guadalupe, the chaste mother of Christ.
This would lead to centuries of Mexicans staring a vagina in the face and being in denial about the whole thing, which would make it the perfect symbol for Catholicism second only to the picture of St. Joseph holding a small child.
I long fell away from the hocus-pocus of Catholicism and became an Atheist, not an asshole atheist mind you, but a more happy-go-lucky sort, the kind that nods politely.
One night my mother and I caught a local news cast reporting that hundreds of faithful Catholics were converging near the side of a neighborhood building where an apparition of the Virgin Mary had appeared. I was 7 years old at the time, and since the spirtiual house was within walking distance–and since I’d always wanted to see one of these apparitions that always cropped up in Los Angeles–I told my mother that we should check it out.
My mother, who is as pure as Mary herself, decided it would be a good idea, and we went to see the Mary apparition.
A short walk later we arrived to the house where around 30 people were silently huddled. The front wall of the house was adorned with flowers and religious tchotchkies. I looked upon the wall in awe, and there it was, flickering in and out of its neon existence…
A giant blue vagina.
The robes were clearly vaginal flaps and the humbly tilted head is the engorged clitoris. We spent around 30 solemn minutes within the vagina’s presence before I got antsy and begged my mother to take me home.
My mom claimed to have clearly seen the Virgin Mary and went home happy. I personally think the whole event was a little sick, but I just smiled and nodded politely.
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I am always in awe of Deviant’s wit and ability to type out the word “vagina” without repulsion and/or gagging.
I was born and raised a Catholic and in the Hispanic stronghold of South Texas no less, but I never equated La Virgin de Guadalupe as a vaginal symbol, yet I can see it now. I can plainly see it.
I feel a little awkward about it too. That’s all I’ll see now. You know, the closest I’ve ever been to another woman’s vagina was during my own birth. And when you think about the particular circumstances of that scenario, it wasn’t only my first semi-lesbianic experience, it was also incestuous.
What a reality to ration.
I must go now.
Suicide beckons.
LK
Laurie Kendrick
21 Mar 08 at 6:39 am
Laurie, Deviant’s use of the word vagina is something I’ve always admired. And I use vagina alot.
keywork.
21 Mar 08 at 8:21 am
And meanwhile, back in heaven, the Holy Ghost is REALLY pixxed of about the gossip you people down here is spreading about Him and Mary…
eklagvirjulle@live.co.za
My name is Botha (as in Earl)
21 Mar 08 at 8:27 am
gossip? it’s a fucking vagina! asshole.
keywork.
21 Mar 08 at 8:31 am
Laurie: Where you been?
So, we’re not counting when I slid out of your ass?
Key: http://i27.tinypic.com/wi9fo4.jpg
Both: That why he makes ppl have seizures and speak in tongues?
The Bagel of Everything
21 Mar 08 at 8:32 am
a fucking vagina? as opposed to what, a display model?
The Bagel of Everything
21 Mar 08 at 8:33 am
Bagel, thanks. Mmmmm….display model….
keywork.
21 Mar 08 at 8:45 am
Thanks?
I art you a poster of a bomb-shitting raccoon sitting on a pedestal eating the brains from Kim Jong-Il’s disembodied head, and make up a new campaign slogan to tie it together…and I get a ‘thanks’ ?
I’m going to go join Laurie’s happy fun time suicide club now.
The Bagel of Everything
21 Mar 08 at 8:52 am
Bagel, I’m always more than grateful for your contributions to the campaign. Tell you what, I’ll send naked pics this weekend. Or maybe I won’t .
keywork.
21 Mar 08 at 9:07 am
Just for the record, I did gag several times during the making of this entry. Thank you.
Kevin
21 Mar 08 at 9:10 am
Of you, right? Not just like random shit off the net.
The Bagel of Everything
21 Mar 08 at 9:25 am
No, I know you have a vast library of random shit off the net.
keywork.
21 Mar 08 at 9:28 am
I just thought up a joke:
What does Kevin have in common with Jesus?
The Bagel of Everything
21 Mar 08 at 9:37 am
People are always on their knees infront of him?
WDL
21 Mar 08 at 9:54 am
They both have been known to hang from crosses naked?
keywork.
21 Mar 08 at 10:01 am
Ohhh….those are good!
Also, they’re both illegitimate, but that’s not it either.
They’ve both been nailed by a lot of jews.
The Bagel of Everything
21 Mar 08 at 10:18 am
Yeah, I like yours better. But I thought the romans nailed him to the cross. The Jews just watched. So, you could say, they’ve both been sexually humiliated in front of Jews by Italians with whips. Or something like that.
keywork.
21 Mar 08 at 10:22 am
I’m such an idiot. They’ve both been nailed by Italians on shabbos.
keywork.
21 Mar 08 at 10:24 am
No, the Jews totally killed Jesus, as illustrated here.
It’s on the internet. That means it’s true.
Also, Kevin has a jew fetish, not an italian fetish.
The Bagel of Everything
21 Mar 08 at 10:25 am
OMG who said I had a jew fetish?
Being into Jesus does not qualify as having a jew fetish.
Kevin
21 Mar 08 at 10:33 am
Its not a vagina, its a portal to the afterlife.
micky2
21 Mar 08 at 10:36 am
OMG you soooo have a jew fetish!
Your panties have been wet since November, in anticipation of Hug a Jew Day.
The Bagel of Everything
21 Mar 08 at 10:40 am
Kevin, but being inside Jesus does qualify as having a jew fetish.
keywork.
21 Mar 08 at 11:06 am
One is a skin head, the other has no skin on his head
micky2
21 Mar 08 at 12:04 pm
I must confess I see a resemblance of vagina almost everywhere, except between my Superheroic legs. (laugh).
E.
Entomo
21 Mar 08 at 12:08 pm
I don’t get it, so you’re saying you have a penis? Or you let Wolverine to close? I’m confused. Subtle is something.
keywork
21 Mar 08 at 12:14 pm
I love you, Entomo.
The Bagel of Everything
21 Mar 08 at 12:19 pm
Sorry, I got all fucked up in the head looking at bagels pic of jesus killers and randomly inadvertently kinda sorta in a rounda about fucked up way got sidetracked to another avenue of thought , emotion, and perception with total alienation of humorous bones maybe left in my body of its too early to do this shit.
I have a penis and the wolverine got to it when I was six.
But it was a blessing. It exposed my true inner self
micky2
21 Mar 08 at 12:36 pm
Sorry, Mick, I was actually prodding lil italy up there. Good to know that you have a mangled unit though. I guess.
keywork
21 Mar 08 at 12:40 pm
Mick, the wolverine didn’t get your penis he got the hot dog. And you weren’t blessed you were cursed.
capricorn1966
21 Mar 08 at 1:06 pm
Key, whys it good to know ?
Wanna tell me something?
Cap, is that why I hold it and howl at the moon ?
Will things ever be the same ? Were they always the same ?
Oh fuck me jeez what am i gonna do?
micky2
21 Mar 08 at 2:03 pm
wow, lots of questions, micky. It’s not really good to know, I could care less, nothing personal.
keywork
21 Mar 08 at 2:06 pm
Cool, I dint think so.
Instead of throwing away the excess cant they just use it to build an extention when we’re born ? ya know, just take some of that baby fat and stuff it in the sock ?
In a generation or so we might see marriages doing better, or worse.
micky2
21 Mar 08 at 2:25 pm
nothing ever is the same when a wolverine gets to your penis and you feel the need to hold it to the moon and howl.
capricorn1966
21 Mar 08 at 2:27 pm
Nice to know you can relate.
micky2
21 Mar 08 at 2:37 pm
I saw a big blue vagina at Coffee Bean this morning.
Great story!
LA Retail Slut
21 Mar 08 at 6:23 pm
Micky: I love you too…even tho you have a madonna where your penis should be.
The Bagel of Everything
21 Mar 08 at 6:54 pm
I’m always impressed by the Catholics’ much more realistic depiction of the Crucifiction. In Protestent churches, you see images of Christ with a little thorny crown and a few drops of blood and a pensive look on his face. Catholic churches usually show a blood-drenched Christ, often with a more agonized look on his face with big briars stuck way into his forehead, temples and crown. I think that’s more accurate.
Today, guys in the Phillipines, as well as many Latin American countries, are being nailed to crosses and flogged with sharpened cords in a sympathetic overture to the suffering of Christ on Good Friday. Happy Easter, everyone!
Soylent Ape
21 Mar 08 at 7:40 pm
They show his pecker too.
Yea, in the spirit of the holiday I decided to recreate the resurection and scared the shit out of the EMTs
micky2
21 Mar 08 at 7:56 pm
I wouldnt mind Madonna being where my penis should be.
Or would I have a portal to the after life between my legs
micky2
21 Mar 08 at 9:28 pm
Soy: In my church, we just had crosses. No little man on them at all.
Micky: You totally gotta youtube the emt prank for me. Those mo’fo’s don’t scare easily.
The Bagel of Everything
24 Mar 08 at 12:25 pm
Wolverine is Canadian. Don’t you know that?
E.
Entomo
29 Mar 08 at 11:25 am
’splains the bad skin, entomo.
The Bagel of Everything
29 Mar 08 at 11:59 am
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