Baseball Team Looks to Fat Guys to Save Franchise
MLB Team Thinks Fat Male Cheerleaders will Bring in the Fans!
Miami– So, you have a team with a championship history, a growing home city with several major sports franchises with which to compete and the lowest attendance in the league. If you were part of the management braintrust charged with turning the team around, what would you do? Angle to trade for a “big name” player? Involve your players in various high-profile community activitities? Well, if you’re calling the shots for the Florida Marlins, you already have the answer!
The Marlins have put out the call for a highly-skilled, military drill-precision company of portly guys to act as cheerleaders. Ba-da Bing! Why didn’t I think of this when I was GM of the Pirates? (The Blanton Middle School Pirates, that is.) I always say, “Nothing puts butts in $85 seats on blisteringly-hot, stiflingly humid days like sweaty guys with beer guts doing a coordinated dance number to “Who Let the Dogs Out”!
The tubby troupe will be known as “The Manatees (MAN-a-tees, get it?) Bravo, Marlins! Not only is cheerleading a rarity in baseball, but the Marlins already have their own cheerleaders–ones with breasts, even. Of course, the Manitees will likely have their own breasts, but they’ll be infinitely less compelling to yours truly.
Still, while fat guys are a rarity on the playing field, it’s a different story in the stands. In nearly every outdoor sport from lacrosse to football, you see the portly sports fans, hot dog and beer in hand displaying their doughy chests and distended abdomens in the most vulgar manner possible. Their belly-domes glistening with lager-sweat and greasepaint in a horrifying gesture of team loyalty. Maybe the Florida Marlins are merely trying to harness that magic on the diamond.
Sources: Miami Herald - Louisville Courier-Journal - Orlando Sentinel
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The only way that would work would be if the tubby’s had any rhythm. They’ll need to know how to dance and move like a cheerleader. I don’t expect any tumbling or stunts but they’ll have to be able to hit it.
I wouldn’t want to go see fat guys run around the field with their guts hanging out not knowing what they are doing.
Ra Ra Ra!
Kick em in the bra!
Ew Ew Ew!
Dude’s got boobs!
you mean to tell me that they will be dressing the part, too? Like the picture? Yuk….
That’s just nasty.
I like how you used the word ‘harness’. But seriously, the Marlins are fucking retarded anyhow. Trading Dontrelle and that hispanic dude? What were they thinking. I’m only bitter because they sent those guys to D-troit. And I’m an obnoxious Red Sox fan.
Go sports!
I don’t like sports, guess that’s why I’m lost.
Save the cheerleader, save the diet.
E.
Yea, I dont think we’ll be seeing any human pyramids outta these guys.
But as long as they can keep the beat it should be entertaining
Cappy: I don’t get spectator sports. I’d as soon watch someone pave a road.
The only sport I tolerated was ice hockey and that was only when I went to see my uncle play. Other then that I didn’t grow up watching sports nor did I play them in school. I never really liked to over exert myself unless you consider sex being a sport.
I think you’re right, Capricorn. If they stand a shred of a chance of being taken seriously, they had better know exactly what they are doing.
@ Entomo: The sad fact is that many Americans diet their asses off, but ultimately become discouraged and give up. I believe it has to do with additives in our food like the high amounts of sodium and other preservatives, as well as sweeteners like high fructose corn syrup. I noticed that I saw far less preserved and processed foods in Europe when I was there…and far less obesity, as well.
@ Keywork: Glad you caught my subtle pun there. The thing that has me scratching my head is how anyone is surprised that no one wants to see the Marlins. How is anyone supposed to get involved in a team that dumps as much talent as the Marlins have over the last decade. A lot of franchise owners/managers think of their teams as securities or funds that pay divideds over time. Wayne Huizenga seems to look at the Marlins as real estate, which will peak in value and then be sold. Remember the “fire sale” after the ‘97 World Series? How could you pscyhe yourself for a team that’ll sell off its best players once it has an exceptional season?
@ Micky: Hope springs eternal.
Fuck that ” hope” shit.
I’m tired of hearing that word.
Unless its about a chick I knew in 85
Sorry soy.
It was no reflection on you.
SUGAR is poison for your body and the shit that we buy from the store is processed evil. It’s so addicting, I believe the manufacturers put stuff in the food to keep us coming back for more.
Fat men as cheeleaders could be funny…seeing ANY part of their naked bodies is just gross…maybe the Marlins are trying to go for a worlds record of the most people that vomit at once…regardless, I’m sure the Lifetime channel is already planning the reality show.
@Cap
Theres nothing wrong with sugar, at all. Its pure energy. Its actually a bio fuel in a semi pure form. Our parents say soda is bad for breakfsat. Its no worse than that fucking Triple Latte` with double cream, 4 tspns of sugar and a scone.
If you got off the train or bus early and walked 10 blocks to work you would of burned it off.
When you eat half a pound of it and sit on your ass thats where it goes.
Processed foods have been with us for decades. Pastas, breads from finely milled grains, cheeses, butter, oils, sausages.
Its our learned behavior in certain societies that promote eating as therapy or rewards.
The ones who eat to live are the heavy ones. The ones that live to eat are healthier.
sugar IS poison, it’s empty calories and can lead to immune system suppression, mood swings, attention problems and weight gain. When the blood sugar is spiked it causes the pancreas to over work leading to weaken immune cells and then storing fat in the body. Too much of this causes obesity, diabetes, and heart disease.
now of course this is the simple sugar I’m talking about. complex sugars are good for you like whole wheat pasta and bread, brown rice, cereal and oatmeal which I eat every morning, peas and most root vegetables.
Every ailment I have always leads back to sugar.
Perhaps you have a sensitivity to sugar?
I don’t believe there are many truly bad foods.
Humans naturally desire high calorie foods, especially those easy to metabolize, because throughout history we were mostly starving. While sugar and grease can be unhealthy for well-fed Americans, they can be life-giving foods to those in famine zones.
To much of anything is always bad. That’s why it’s called ‘too much’.
Cap, I somewhat agree. I was not allowed to have any ’simple’ sugar until I was like 7-8yrs old. No, I did not have ice cream on my first birthday, well, or second, or third, you get the idea. I like it now from time to time, but hell, I do not like sweets. My parents turned to what I call ‘fake’ food. Some say it is like being vegan I think. But salt is my failure. I crave salty things.
We desire high calorie food because that’s what it does to us. Simple carbohydrates make you more hungry. they don’t stay with you as the complex carbs do. So if you ate a bowl of oatmeal vs a bowl of cereal or pancakes or waffles you would more likely become hungrier sooner then with the bowl of oatmeal. So you snack more between meals probably pretzels because most people think because there no fat in them that they are good.
dont get me wrong i dig my junk food and candy. uh, they use to call me the candyman in school. I got four boxes of chocolates at xmas from my kids at school they were gone in two weeks. i know what’s good for me and what’s not I just need to contain myself.
Bagel, I agree. My grandmother is 92 and still does everything like she is, well, lets say better than most. She has always said it is not the food you eat but how much and when you eat it. Damn, if I was half as healthy at her age, or alive for that matter, I will be better off. All these fad diets are just plain nuts!
I think I am the only woman in the world (yes I use the term woman with a smirk) that does not like or crave chocolate.
A vegan is true vegetarian. They won’t even eat jello because it’s made from a horse hood or something. no marshmallows either. no eggs, no milk. It’s tuff. my friends husband is a vegan. she’s just a vegetarian.
my sister’s sister in law doesn’t like chocolate.
I’m a vegetarian on the days I don’t feel like eating meat.
Cap, well I guess I am right there with ya. My mom did the vegan thing for her health. Best woman around and she gets anything you can think of (illness wise and we are not talking std shit either). So, I can see why she is the way she is. I am not even sure anymore what she ‘can’ or ‘can’t’ eat. There are too many rules on that one.
Bagel, can’t we just skip the cheerleading and go straight to the abolishment of sports?
Oh shorty, I think it’s all about having the right chocolate. First rule, nothing you buy in a grocery store is good… well, mostly. a couple good ones here and there. And Hersheys, man, how did they score such a reputation with such a mediocre product.
I was in Hershey PA once. Their light poles looked like kisses (well, the top of the lights) and they paid no taxes. Weird. They all smiled all the time as well. I have not gone back.
Heathen, I think that is a personal preference. Just like when men say ‘oh, you just have not had it done right’. Nope, thats not it. I just do not like it!!!! Laughing.
@ Micky: I think I should clarify what I mean by “processed foods”. Obviously, any food that is a different form or fashion when it is consumed than when it was harvested is processed in some way. I’m talking about the convenience foods of today, which have lots of unhealthy (and mostly unnatural) preservatives, flavorings and colorings. In other words, the spaghetti and tomato sauce my great, great grandfather ate in Italy 150 years ago was probably far healthier than the Banquet brand Frozen Spaghetti Entree of the type that millions eat everyday. A lot of these chemicals are required to be there by the USDA
Likewise, I think we can agree that pure sugars can be healthy. They are a carbohydrate-rich fflavoring with a pleasant taste. They are a quick and efficient source of energy. However, high fructose corn syrup is far from a healthy sweetener. Fructose metabolizes far more slowly. It is absorbed lower in the digestive tract, and most of it goes directly to the liver, whereas sucrose is absorbed in the uppper intestine and stomach and then mostly goes into the bloodstream. Plus, HFCS actually stimulates hunger by reducing glycemic reaction in the blood. Because it’s cheaper than cane sugar, the shit’s everywhere you would normally find sugar.
Cap, Soy.
The only point I’m making is that if you consume white processed bleached sugar, you have to use it right away.
If not it will remani in your system long enough do the damage you mention.
The same goes for processed carbs vs complex carbs.
If you sit on your ass, thats where it will go.
I mean really though. It boils down once again to our learned behavior and the belief I mentioned which is similar probably to Soys great grandfather. Soys great grandfather probably lived to eat instaed of eating to live. He cherished his meals and made them an occassion, not just a way to fill up. So consequently he probably indulged in higher quality foods. As would anyone today with the same philosophy.
We all like that ” creamy feeling ” in our mouth ( Ladys ? ) that just slides down our throat. Processed foods give us this with minimal chewing effort. Thats the comfortable part of ” comfort food” That of course requires more fats and processing in the recipes. Like desserts. When is the last time you had to chew your dessert like a steak or a salad ? Its the end of the meal. Its built for comfort and relaxation.
but ant fucking idiot knows too much it will kill you. Well almost any idiot.
Lil bit. I always wished for a light pole that looked like a kiss.
Awww, Micky, this kiss is for you! Muah!
Ok, that was way to fkn sappy for my taste. After all, I am the queen of salt. Comfort and relaxation. Yes, the key, to any woman’s heart. Too much of any good thing may kill you. That is the fun of it!
OMG I hate chocolate, too!
I can’t get past the fecal odor.
we should start a club!
Damn right. Real women against chocolate! Ok, that sounded way too stupid. Pick something, I’ll roll.
Listen to me, shorty!
You’ve gotta tell them!
HERSHEYS DARK IS PEOPLE!!!!!
We’ve gotta stop them somehow!
Fkn turn the key off. That coaster is seen its day. For fck sake! WE WILL STOP THEM! The ride ends here. Get off, go home! It is over rated! I knew I loved you, bagel! I don’t like dark, milky, (ok I like Micky), or what ever else they try to sell me!!!!! We are on to something!!!!
We shall defeat them with delicious peanut butter!
I got a picture you might appreciate:
http://rationreality.com/2007/11/29/chocolate-is-evil-and-so-is-canada/
It’s at the bottom.
I love dark chocolate, And salty hot licorice.
And gummy bears.
Peanut butter ? And you say cholate has as fecal odor ?
Fucking peanut bitter is baby shits evil twin.
I’ve never had salty hot licorice.
I do love licorice, especially the real stuff.
I buy pure licorice in little jars. It looks like tiny lumps of coal.
Strong stuff!
I don’t like straight up peanut butter, but it’s my favorite flavor of sweet. PB pie, cookies, frozen yogurt.
Reeces Pieces!
The Turkish make it hot and salty as do a lot of Norweigans like Danes,Germans, and Swedes.
Check it out.
http://www.germandeli.com/fatupecahlic.html
if fructose is the same as high fructose corn syrup then it is one of the heathier sugars because it does not cause a rapid spike in glucose and insulin levels because fructose must be converted into glucose by the liver and then is available for the body to use. It has a much more stable effect on blood sugar levels.
sorry my daughter just answered my question it’s not the same. disregard last statement. don’t because fructose is good for you.
@Soy: Look at the Rockies. Odd how both franchises ended up with similar owners.
@People talking about sugar: You’re making me hungry.
eat something healthy.
Does coffee count? I don’t really do breakfast.
or an iced Carmel latte with whipped cream and an extra shot of espresso
There you go. I can’t lie, I’m fucking in love with those goddamned white peppermint mochas they make at the ‘Bucks.
aahhhhhh, never had one of those before. I’m on that shit this week……there i just added to, things to do while i’m off.
They’re even better if you add Rumplemintz.
or a fifth of jack
or rum cream. which i got in jamaica and can’t find here. I put that in my coffee every fucking morning until it was gone.
Jamaican rum is a motherfucker. I only drink rum when I’m with Blueticks, he calls it an ‘old man’s drink’. I don’t drink it often mostly because it’s nasty sugary shit. Gives bad hangovers.
rum cream is very sweet. like a liqueur. that’s why i just add it to my coffee.
“Oh sugar is bad for you” !
And here you guys are getting wasted and wired.
Fucking clowns
all I said was that it was bad for you and it is. never said i don’t eat it. If I didn’t do anything that was bad for me I’d be sitting in a glass house with my thumb up my ass.
Instead you’re sitting in a wooden house.
Everything is bad for you, numbnuts.
It depends how much you do.
Oh bagel, i retract the love from the baclon post.
and seriously, like we need this many people around.
Why would you take back my love?
Meanie!
Is it because I recognize chocolate for the vile evil it is?
This Many People is a good number of people to have around.
Totally, Hot Keywork, totally.
I love all of you!
Except that one guy over there… yeah you. Who the fuck do you think you are, anyway?
BTW, do you have the time?
That guy is bugging me out for realz. Hey, asshole, it’s impolite to stare. Asshole. I’m about to attack face. And steal his watch.
Today, a vet tech taught me how to inflate a cat with saline.
What did you learn today?
I learned that Tuesday’s must be senior citizen day at the acme.
@bagel that pretty much sums it up.
I also never imagined seeing the phrase pig semen stains.
Well, it does!
Someday, you’re going to spill a big steaming bowl of pig semen on your wife’s new carpet and you’re going to scrub and scrub and it’ll never come out.
You’ll rue the day you scoffed at my warning!
you guyz are too much. I like it here.
Welcome, Rowan of Loltheist!
Please, make thine self comfortable in our humble shelter.
@ lolheathen: “Pig Semen Stains” sounds like a track from a Ministry albumdon’tcha think?
@ Bagel: That “inflatable” cat is my li’l buddy!
@ Rowan: Welcome to our digital sanctuary; our refuge of zeros and ones. (Sorry. I’ve been watching a lot of Orson Welles movies, lately.
@Soy, sorry only listen to their trendy stuff, so not sure. I suppose anything is possible.
Soy: He’s my buddy too!
Hey, I wonder what would happen if we replaced the fluid in the IV bag with helium….
Since it’s going under the skin rather than in a vein, it probably won’t hurt him.
I’ve discovered that I enjoy math jokes. that was after I realized that I actually understand them, courtesy of xkcd.
therefore, I understand about zeros and ones and all things binary, and I learned it by knitting a hat. yes, the intellectual craftnazis at Ravelry, a knitting site, designed a hat containing the binary representation of the number 15. and colors changed according to the Fibonacci sequence. It was a contest, I knitted all day one Saturday, a captive audience to my husby who explained the binary system to me ad nauseum, and then also, much to my dismay, began to explain base 8. he looks like Ozzy Osbourne and talks like John Nash. nice. and, thanks for the welcome!