Sentenced To Love
Wheeling, WV– For those cynics among us who say that romance is dead comes this heartwarming story of felonies, nuptials and… awkward irony.
On September 5, Mr. Kevin Felder robbed the Wheeling Island Convenience Store, an idiotic feat, especially for someone planning soon to wed. Well, the heist netted him $340, which would have been enough for a honeymoon in, say, exotic Youngstown or hire that DJ for the reception. Did I mention his bad decision was a violation of his probation? Probation resulting from a domestic violence trial involving his bride-to-be? Well, it was. Earlier this month, Felder was sentenced to 5-18 years imprisonment for his actions. But that’s not where the story ends, for there, inside the the Ohio County courthouse, love would rule the day!
In what had to be a moment of hand-wringing inopportuneness, Circuit Judge James Mazzone presided over the civil wedding of Felder and his sweetheart, Misty Johnson…shortly after having passed sentence on the groom. It was a simple affair, with Felder clad in the county’s finest orange jumpsuit and the strains of “Endless Love” playing over the court address system. (Okay, I made that last part up.) Felder asked to have his handcuffs removed for the ceremony, but the bailiff said he could not allow it, since the groom was now “in custody”. Soon it was over and, without as much as a goodbye slap, Felder was separated from his blushing bride and taken into containment.
For his part, the judge noted he’d make a recommendation that Felder serve his sentence in a facility nearby, making it easier for his new wife and family to visit him. Awww.
Sources: Wheeling News-Register - Associated Press - SkyNews
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Ah, February is the month of love.
No doubt you have already found this site that gives love a little prison help:
http://conjugalharmony.com/browse.html
Mark
25 Feb 08 at 9:39 am
HA! That’s awesome, Mark!
When I clicked to register, it redirected me to:
http://www.medicaladoptions.com/
I love these people, whoever they are.
The Bagel of Everything
25 Feb 08 at 9:46 am
Imagine,
This guy is gonna go back to his cell and get fucked up the ass for his honeymoon while his wife is probably going to be at the same store he robbed trying to corner the market on twinkies.
micky2
25 Feb 08 at 11:13 am
Only in America…
Lucky
25 Feb 08 at 11:50 am
Micky, I was thinking the exact same thing.
K-Unit
25 Feb 08 at 12:37 pm
I have no sympathy for people who break the law. He deserves to get fucked up the ass on his honeymoon by someone other then his wife.
capricorn1966
25 Feb 08 at 4:05 pm
She’s the victim of domestic violence involving this guy and she still decides to marry him? Seems Felder isn’t the only idiot in this situation…
Cody
25 Feb 08 at 4:48 pm
*Sniffle*
That was so romantic.
moonbeammcqueen
25 Feb 08 at 9:05 pm
Indeed, moonbeam, cappy, micky, and key
Cody: Yeah, I didn’t think of that. A good friend of mine is a cop (in WV) and tells me 1/2 his calls are repeat domestic violence complaints, and the couple have often ‘made up’ by the time he arrives. The woman will even lie to him and say her man never hit her, even while she has bruises on her face and he has ice on his hand.
My exhusband hit me. ONCE. That’s why he’s my ex.
The Bagel of Everything
25 Feb 08 at 9:09 pm
That’s why my state, good ol’ West-by golly-stand up and holler-WV is know as “Almost Heaven”. You can beat the hell outta your wimens, get married, go to jail, and send your new spouse out for Moonpies all in one afternoon!
I told my husband when we first got married this:
“If you ever hit me or even act like you might want to….DO NOT GO TO SLEEP THAT NIGHT! I will get the car running, pin the blankets snugly around you, and beat the shit out of you with a baseball bat. I’ll be long gone before you can even get your head out of the covers.”
trailerparkbarbie
25 Feb 08 at 10:02 pm
Hey, I did my time in the Mountain State. In many respects, it is completely different from anywhere else in the United States. This happened in Wheeling, too. That’s the Northern Panhandle, wedged tightly between Ohio and Pennsylvania. The futher south you go, the crazier it gets.
Soylent Ape
26 Feb 08 at 7:18 am
Yea, I’ve heard them fuckers screaming at night before. Thats what will straighten your ass out. Not the incarceration.
BLOOD CURDLING SCREAMS !
micky2
26 Feb 08 at 10:19 am
I played in a band based in the mountains of Kentucky. I moved onto this farm in some hollow and we were like a heavy metal artists’commune. One night, I was out on the front porch with some of the guys and heard a woman screaming in the woods. My mates paid no attention to it. I said, “didn’t you hear that?” They nodded. Another horrifying scream cut through the forest. I was convinced some lady was getting chainsawed in the woods, so I said we had to do something. They told me that I was surely smarter than to go out and try to shut a panther up. I’d never heard a panther call like that, but it’s a territorial warning call. (No kidding!)
Soylent Ape
26 Feb 08 at 12:21 pm
Yea, kinda like farts. Its gods way of saying ” you dont want to be near that person”
micky2
26 Feb 08 at 12:40 pm
What’s the big deal? In Italy, sentences, penalties and incarcerations last few months… or even few weeks. I mean, that’s why 78,9% of the people is criminal, here. The remaining 21,1% is going to turn criminal when given the chance.
Bagel: can you give me the home address of your ex-husband? I must TALK with him. Few minutes. (wink).
E.
Entomo
26 Feb 08 at 1:38 pm
I’ve heard a panther before. Scary scream. The babysitter had taken me and my siblings for a walk in the woods. After the panther scream, she took us straight home and baptized us in a metal tub of water. Then she made us all hide in the closet until our parents came home.
To this day, I wonder WTF she thought was gonna happen. Must have thought we were all going to get our throats ripped open or something.
“back to the regularly scheduled commenting”
trailerparkbarbie
26 Feb 08 at 3:57 pm
I like panthers. In a sexual way.
keywork.
26 Feb 08 at 7:48 pm
Now we all know why the Panther screams at night.
micky2
26 Feb 08 at 8:03 pm
Entomo: Thanks, dear, but I don’t know where he lives. I’ve not seen him in years. He’s been taken care of, tho. I have lots of very large cousins.
Barbie: I’ve been outside when people standing right next to me swear they heard a panther scream, but I’ve never heard it. I have heard a rabbit scream tho. It’s horrible.
KW: Roar!!!
The Bagel of Everything
26 Feb 08 at 11:06 pm
Bagel: That’s hot.
KW
27 Feb 08 at 9:21 am
Thanks, dad. Do you mean screaming rabbits or large cousins?
The Bagel of Everything
27 Feb 08 at 10:59 am
rabbits screaming at large cousins is always hot
micky2
27 Feb 08 at 11:27 am
I was referring to the panther noises.
KW
27 Feb 08 at 12:28 pm
I was clearing some brush at the site where my parents were building their retirement home a few months back. I was out in the woods and heard that screaming panther call. I just put my hands up and walked slowly back out of the trees. The scream is more like a friendly warning. If you hear one growl at you, you’re probably in deep shit.
Soylent Ape
27 Feb 08 at 8:08 pm
When I was a kid I cornerd a wild kitten and picked it up.
We had these band aids in those days that had stars and planets on them.
When my mom got home I had about 50 little band aids on me everywhere.
And that little fucker gave me no warning whatsoever.
Well, he did hiss once or twice.
micky2
27 Feb 08 at 11:19 pm
My sister had a boyfriend that gave her a feral kitten. For some reason, he thought it was a good idea. It hid in the basement for a while. Later, it started eating its food and using its litter. To this day, my parents have this very high-strung, very mistrustful feline in their house.
Soylent Ape
28 Feb 08 at 6:42 am
[...] posts: Sentenced To Love - Rosh Hashanah, eBay, and land-swaps The West Virginia Chronicles, Vol. 1: Defeated by WV [...]
Tax Hike for Jim Jones « Ration Reality
11 Mar 08 at 11:44 am
Soy, your sister’s cat is evil.
She always claws me in such a way that blood SHOOTS out.
Probably your sister shouldn’t keep her anatomy texts where the cat can study them.
The Bagel of Everything
12 Mar 08 at 2:37 pm