Canada says: It’s ok to torture, if you’re our friend
Canada puts US on its shit list, we find the list, Canada says “Oh my god, like I’m sooo sorry, America! It was a mistake! You’re like totally my BFF! Don’t be mad at me!”
The Shit List, or “Torture List” as it’s being called around the mainstream media, is part of a Torture Awareness Course– a power point presentation designed to train diplomats to recognize prisoner abuse. It seems we were included on the list for “forced nudity, isolation and sleep deprivation” at our Guantanamo Bay slumber party. Sheesh, Canada — who put your bra in the freezer?
“It contains a list that wrongly includes some of our closest allies. I have directed that the manual be reviewed and rewritten,” back peddles Maxime Bernier, Canada’s Minister of Foreign Affairs. Notice he doesn’t say we don’t torture, just that it’s ok when ’cause we’re in the same clique.
Welcome to 8th Grade World Diplomacy. Our little Canadia is growing up! Seriously, Canada. You need to Git’Mo’ balls.
Go Torture! Canada shows off at World High School pep rally.
For the record, folks: America doesn’t torture prisoners… that would be like, manual labor or something. We outsource it by sending our prisoners to countries with hardons for torture, like Syria. Technically, it isn’t our fault that the babysitter is bad!
Further reading: BBC - ImPolitical - CTV - PatDollard - WikiPorn - JewsSansFrontieres
Image sources: Stationary made from some random maple leaf clipart,
Go Torture altered from “No Torture“. I ♥ Gimp.
Related posts:
No Masturbating in Manitoba - Chocolate is Evil, and so is Canada - Bizarre Canadian Commercials
Strange Brew - Brother Can You Spare a Loonie - You Can’t Handle the Tooth
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We are like that two faced Country.. That say’s to one Country “You are totally right. They were so wrong in doing that. What a bunch of pricks.”
And in the same breath.. Will tell the other Country.. “I completely understand.. They were being the biggest bitches. I would have done the same thing!”
We’re gonna get so screwed over in the end… Some one’s gonna want something we have and we’re going to have to fight for it or give it up.. We have everything.. And everyone wants it..
I heard that it is siad.. Canada may have a huge supply of oil.. More than Iraq.. Wouldn’t that be crazy??!!
My BF is out there right now working on the oil sands..
Terrible Lie
20 Jan 08 at 5:47 pm
Don’t worry, my little Canadian friend. America always takes care of its hats. :)
bagel of everything
20 Jan 08 at 5:53 pm
That’s who I’m afraid of!!
Terrible Lie
20 Jan 08 at 6:25 pm
@Terrible Lie: I don’t blame Canada for talking out of both sides of its mouth because, well, it has to. On the one hand, it has to placate the Quebecois and on the other, it has to reassure the other provinces/territories that Quebec is crazy. It has to play nice with its principal financial, cultural and population centre (Toronto), while accepting the disdain the rest of the country has for it. I could go on…
@ Bagel: Your “list” is full of win!
Soylent Ape
20 Jan 08 at 6:53 pm
@ Terrible Lie: I remember reading that the Edmonton Square Mall had 3 functioning Submarines in its central courtyard. At the time, the Canadian navy had only 2 functioning submarines in its fleet. If the US ever needed your petroleum, I believe they could take it handily. I think the best thing Canada has going for itself is that, right now, the process of transporting and refining it is costiler than oil from other sources.
Soylent Ape
20 Jan 08 at 9:59 pm
I’ve been to the Edmonton mall.. A few times.. Been to the water park inside.. Shopping.. Seen the submarine.. And been on the red rollercoaster which not long after I was on.. Derailed.
Terrible Lie
20 Jan 08 at 11:47 pm
Bitch slaps all around, they’re on me.
The Moose punch club doesnt like torture.
micky2
21 Jan 08 at 12:51 am
Wait, they apologized for that? My God, Canada flip flops worse than Mitt Romney!
Cody
21 Jan 08 at 2:50 am
Soy: Thanks. I am an artist. =;o)
micky: I’m against torture, too. Unless it’s like, people I don’t know or care about.
Cody: Yeah, they did. They promised to re-write the list, removing US and Israel. The only statement I could find regarding Israel being on the list was us saying something like “Israel is going to be soooooo pissed!” You don’t wanna fuck with the Israelies.
bagel of everything
21 Jan 08 at 5:50 am
Canada, is interesting country, n’est pas??
I used to date this l guy from Calgary. I met him in Mexico of all places, so it was a very international relationship.
Things were progressing as we say when we’re old, fucking spinsters, so he invited me to visit him in the Great White North. I went.
I hated it.
We didn’t get along when forced to get along day in and day out and ended up not speaking to each other the last two days of my visit. He even went out and just left me alone in his silly little Canadian house, with nothing but Canadian tv to entertain me and MIGHT I ADD, substandard Canadian plumbing.
The only toilet in the only bathroom was backed up and couldn’t be used. I’d eaten horrible Canadian food and that meant my very American bowel were functioning overtime.
I was so mad at him on that last day that right before I left for the airport to head back to Texas, I took a big steaming ,triple coiler dump right on his kitchen floor.
It was the first thing the cock bag saw when he went in there that morning.
That was 1986.
I’ve not heard from him since.
Always eh,
LK
Laurie Kendrick
21 Jan 08 at 9:42 am
Bagel.
I hope you know I was refering to the kanucks.
I dont really care what these moonbats think.
And soy hit it right on the brown star. On top of what soy says if Canada is ever up shit creek they know its us who’ll bail them out. But at the same time they have to pacify their large leftist GP.
micky2
21 Jan 08 at 10:59 am
LK: I slept with a guy from Calgary once…
No, wait..that was you.
Micky: I thought the moose punch club was some kinda micky/kw inside joke.
bagel of everything
21 Jan 08 at 12:14 pm
Bagel: maybe it is, maybe it isn’t.
keywork.
21 Jan 08 at 12:31 pm
Bagel,
The closest thing to Canadian Lesbian sex I’ve had with you was spitting you out of my “Snatchkatchewan”.
Hi Soy!!!
LK
Laurie Kendrick
21 Jan 08 at 1:57 pm
yeah, that’s sooo not what i meant
bagel of everything
21 Jan 08 at 1:58 pm
Bagel.
My bad.
LK.
“Snatchkatchewan”.
I love it.
micky2
21 Jan 08 at 2:08 pm
I know Bagel but I needed to use my “Snatchkatchewan” line and nothing else fit.
I know–don’t type it out. I’m a retard. I just bought an adult three wheeler with a helmet and one of those big, tall orange flags to put in the back.
And I’ll just ride in a continuous circle, screaming, “Please don’t go Fred Thompson, (R) Tennessee!!!!!!”
Laurie Kendrick
21 Jan 08 at 6:50 pm
@ Laurie: “Snatchskatchewan”? Okay, that was a good one. How about “Ontariovary”, “Clitish Columbia”, “Newfoundgland”, “Manfallopia” and “Northwest Hairritory”?
@ Cody: At least Canada doesn’t flip-flop like John Kerry.
@ Keywork: Thanks for the props.
@ Terrible Lie: I’ve never been to the Edmonton Square Mall. In Toronto, there’s the Eaton Centre. We told ourselves it was just as cool and everything, but we were lying to ourselves, like Torontonians tend to do. Why do you think we still support the Maple Leafs?
Soylent Ape
21 Jan 08 at 7:08 pm
Snatchkatchewan is gold.
Newfoundgland…that’s a groaner. :)
bagel of everything
21 Jan 08 at 10:03 pm
@ Bagel: I guess you’re gonna tell me “Ova Scotia” doesn’t work, either.
Soylent Ape
21 Jan 08 at 10:42 pm
Sounds too much like ” Nova Scrotum “
micky2
21 Jan 08 at 10:52 pm
hey, i think we all need to cut Canada some slack. they’re just trying to get some street cred with the EU and be all cool and stuff. Remember, they still have the Queen on their money, so they’re kinda’ having a hard time hacking it out on their own.
@ soy - Q:”Why do you think we still support the Maple Leafs?” A: http://deadspin.com/342684/meet-the-puck-bunnies
seohack
22 Jan 08 at 12:59 am
@ SEO: Canada walks a delicate line when it comes to international diplomacy. On the one hand, they have to buddy up with England and Continental Europe. The EU is a huge market for Canadian commodities like beef, petroleum and timber, as well as commercial goods. We all know Europe (especially my German ex) views Americans as nuked-up knuckle-draggers who can’t grasp the athletic superiority of soccer (excuse me…football).
On the other hand, Canada knows we remain their biggest trading partner. Furthermore, it knows that the States will be their best chance at beating away some hostile invader. (Canada has a huge land area, but a relatively small population and, consequently, a small military. Its plentiful resources and prime geographic location make it attractive to a country like Russia, whose population often comes up short of certain food stuffs and whose rapid development requires steel, glass, wood and gasoline.) Over time, Canada has gotten pretty good at the dance, I must say. They just stepped on America’s foot this time.
Soylent Ape
22 Jan 08 at 6:47 am
What’s wrong with Canada? Nothing. They got ALPHA FLIGHT. I would like to team-up with them, too bad they are fictional.
E.
Entomo
22 Jan 08 at 7:40 am
SEO: the puck bunnies ROCKS!
Soy: Aren’t we the whole world’s biggest trading partner? CONSUME! MUST CONSUME!
Entomo: Yes, Canadians are fictional. :)
bagel of everything
22 Jan 08 at 9:02 am
Very fictional. Aboot.
keywork.
22 Jan 08 at 9:22 am
Soy;
” it knows that the States will be their best chance at beating away some hostile invader.”
Illegal aliens are starting to skip America all together and cross over into Canada simply because they are so much more generous and less restrictive on the hand outs.
And citizenship applications are much more accomodating also
I wonder how long before they start crying for a wall, on either border.
micky2
22 Jan 08 at 10:59 am
“Canada walks a delicate line when it comes to international diplomacy.”
@ soy - that’s what you get when have a country founded by turncoats and tories!
seohack
22 Jan 08 at 1:24 pm
Once elected, I will require Americans to refer to Canada as the ‘Hockey States’. Yep. Hockey states. Oh, if anyone is interested in running as my VP, swing by my blog and let me know why I should pick you. Low self esteem is a plus.
keywork.
22 Jan 08 at 4:47 pm
Canadians are a figment of America’s imagination. If each American were to close his/her eyes and say, “I don’t believe in you, Canadians” for a few minutes, there’d be nothing left but elk… and Chinese people in Vancouver.
Soylent Ape
22 Jan 08 at 6:27 pm
Key;
“I will require Americans to refer to Canada as the ‘Hockey States’. Yep. Hockey states. ”
Can I call them the “moose punch club’ also ?
micky2
22 Jan 08 at 6:28 pm
Sure, Micky, security is as security does.
keywork.
22 Jan 08 at 6:29 pm
Ya gotta understand, I’ve never seen a fucking hockey game in my life. But we get a lot of Canadian pussy in Hawaii.
micky2
22 Jan 08 at 7:38 pm
I do not say aboot, eh
Terrible Lie
22 Jan 08 at 9:49 pm
It always annoys me when someone mockingly says “a-boot” in reference to Canadian accents. Any self respecting Canada-ian says “a-boat”. In this and many other respects, Canada is Scotland West.
Soylent Ape
22 Jan 08 at 10:31 pm
Sorry, got ya’ll mixed up with Virginians. My bust. Here comes the rain….
Ahh, Soy, Nova Scotia indeed.
keywork.
22 Jan 08 at 10:46 pm
Soy..I just sat here saying a-boat like ten times..You have never been so right! Thank you for solving that misconception!
Terrible Lie
24 Jan 08 at 1:13 am
Soy says ‘a-boat’ sometimes, and I want to hit him.
The Bagel of Everything
24 Jan 08 at 12:45 pm
I’m all for torture. I wish they’d put that shit live on Pay Per View. How dare they deprive us!
Stiletto
25 Jan 08 at 1:58 pm
I’m with Stiletto - I’m all about torture as well. I had no idea Canada was so pussy-ish. What’s up with that?
abarclay12
25 Jan 08 at 2:11 pm
Abaryclay12 is my kind of woman. Never thought I’d meet my soul twin on an internet forum!
Stiletto
25 Jan 08 at 5:02 pm
Now you’re just tryin to make me jealous!
The Bagel of Everything
26 Jan 08 at 2:13 am
Is it working? I’ll send you my bikini wax photo and it’ll make it all better.
Stiletto
26 Jan 08 at 6:17 pm
You bet it’s working!
Aba is mine! She asked me to marry her once.
Oh, and I’m fond of you as well, Stiletto. The pic isnt all bloody and scabby is it? A fresh wax is never as attractive as it sounds…or maybe I should stop getting mine done in dark alleys.
The Bagel of Everything
26 Jan 08 at 10:07 pm
You have hair growing inside your pussy ?
micky2
27 Jan 08 at 1:28 pm
Stop going to chop shops, Bagel, you might get more than your bargained for!
No, it is not bloody and scabby, it is PERFECT, like a work of art. Hence the pic for the memories…
Stiletto
27 Jan 08 at 6:56 pm
Micky: ew
Stil: But but but…. It’s so convenient! Frank’s Backalley Abortion, Piercing, Waxing, & Fake ID Parlor: The ultimate in one stop sleezing.
Half off on Thursdays if you give Two-Eyed Toby a mouth hug. He’s the one with the monacle.
The Bagel of Everything
13 Mar 08 at 11:05 pm
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