The State of the American Mind
An End Of The Year Editorial On The State of the American Mind:
Looking At Our Lives
or
I’m Not A Drunk, You Are
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There are too many moments these days where I cannot recognize you.
I appreciated you drunkenly pulling me aside this New Years Eve in the safety of your vomit-spewed bathroom to tell me that I have a drinking problem.
Well sure, I seemed to have been functioning well during the office Christmas party, when in fact I had been in a zombiefied black-out vodka state, and yes I kissed the departing CEO of the company on the lips on a dare, and yes I vomited all over the subway platform on the way home in the early evening…
But I think it’s imperative for you to know that, in this relationship, it is in fact YOU who are the drunk.
I may have gotten us forcibly removed from several watering holes by very large black bouncers, but I want you to note something about my drunkeness and your drunkeness.
I don’t sit at home sobbing to myself, complaining about life, and polishing off two bottles of wine all by myself like you do.
I don’t travel to sex-dens in a desperate stupor after a few shots of tequila.
There are much more shocking abuses–so many that the next drunk I take out drinking will have to console me.
My drunkenness is joy, it is chaotic, and it is embarrassing fun. Your drunkenness is sad, lonely, and abysmal. The shocking abuses of our drinking relationship, on your part, have had severe repercussions on my mental well-being, and that is unfortunate.
In conclusion, I believe a brief poll of all of our alcoholic friends would yield results that would be me more than a little unpleasant for you; I’m not a drunk, you are.
Happy New Year! 2008!
More of Deviant’s ЯR posts are here.
hell, if you’re not puking in urinals, you’re ok.
Salud!
SEO Hack
2 Jan 08 at 1:07 pm
How bout if you simply don’t recall puking in urinals?
bagel of everything
2 Jan 08 at 1:44 pm
then I think you’re alright. unless you passed out by said urinal. Then that’s just sad.
SEO Hack
2 Jan 08 at 2:44 pm
I got drunk and tried to use a urinal once.
I wish they’d put bowls of ice in the ladies room for us to sit in. It was refreshing.
bagel of everything
2 Jan 08 at 2:53 pm
I had to babysit my uncles six year old once. She was screaming from the bathromm
” Micky ! Micky ! come here , Quick !”
I ran to the bathroom thinking her ass had gotten stuck in the bowl like it did for me at six when I forgot to put down the seat.
I flew open the door and she was standing in front the bowl peeing into it from 5 feet away.
I never told my Uncle, didnt want to go there.
micky
2 Jan 08 at 4:13 pm
She prolly just had a bad yeast infection.
I hear peeing standing up keeps it from burning the blisters.
You should start washing your hands before “adjusting her panties”, uncle micky.
bagel of everything
2 Jan 08 at 4:41 pm
Which is exactly why I did not mention it to my uncle. But if I’m correct I think I’m her cousin and my father would be her uncle.
The point really is that if a six year old will do this sober (I believe she was) Bagel must be quite the center of the party.
Blisters ? That means gravity, and it goes…
there goes lunch.
micky
2 Jan 08 at 4:57 pm
No she was not screwing the baker.
micky
2 Jan 08 at 4:58 pm
yes, cousin, but that’s not as funny
bagel of everything
2 Jan 08 at 5:30 pm
I’m sure it want half as funny as watching you drunk, peeing into the wind, puking on yourself while sitting on a pile of ice.
Gosh girl, I sincerely hope you had fun.
cuz no matter how fucked up the whole scene is. When you can walk (or even stagger) away with a shit eatin grin, it was worth it !
Know what I mean ?
micky
2 Jan 08 at 5:39 pm
Bagel’s a little hottie–if she had wanted to puke on herself while peeing with impunity and sitting on a pile of ice, she coulda’ gotten away with it!
Soylent Alkie
2 Jan 08 at 5:59 pm
In that case , she probably glided down the catwalk wit a shit eatin grin.
Hey ! I accepted an award for best dressed in front of 300 people and crapped my pants on the way up to the platform. Talk about “take the money and run!”
No acceptance speech, just a wave and a mad dash. They thought I was crying cuz I was happy.
micky
2 Jan 08 at 6:30 pm
Wow, Micky! Way to pull that off!
Soylent ape
3 Jan 08 at 7:29 am
My cocaine had been cut with laxatives. It happened again the next night at a birthday party.
micky
3 Jan 08 at 9:45 am
My highest respect to those who choose to NOT die in such a silly way (booze, drugs and chemical garbage). Pseudo-transgression. Have a good 7 hours long sex night, instead. With a pair of women, possibly. And now I’m serious.
I inject justice.
Entomo
3 Jan 08 at 10:19 am
Who wants 7 hours of sex? Seriously.
Anyone know who first asked “When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?” ?
I should write the anti-tantra: how to focus all your energy to get off in 6 minutes, roll the fuck over, and goto sleep.
I’ve never been good at being a girl.
bagel of everything
4 Jan 08 at 6:50 am
Bagel; What ? You’ve never done the 12 hr. crystal meth marathon sex ?
micky2
4 Jan 08 at 12:34 pm
I’ve never done meth.
I’ve been in a house where it was being cooked, and felt kinda funny, so I think I musta got some unintentionally, but I’m mostly a good girl.
I grew up around hard drugs, and lost several friends to them. I knew early to not touch the stuff.
I love me some pot, tho.
bagel of everything
4 Jan 08 at 12:49 pm
Actually, its really nasty shit. The high is of course addictive , but its harder on your system than just about anything out there.
In my day it was crank, same thing , just not as refined.
But good for you bagel. When I think back about the my crank days I shiver. It was really hard putting my head and body back together. Dont go there, you’re not missing alot.
Pot ? yea, I go there sometimes. Its the only drug that doesnt make my receptors go nuts.
Coke and speed freaks will bang on the dealers door at 3 in the morning with $3.57 trying to get some more. Pot just doesnt do that to you.
micky2
4 Jan 08 at 12:56 pm
“I love me some pot, tho.” -Bagel
…
Thats right! although-i have done a couple of lovely 8 hour fuck sessions….thanks to some good E. Thats probly the hardest drug ive done!
However…
I ALSO love me my pot…**EDUCATE-REGULATE-MEDICATE**
(But now i feel this comment belongs more rightly at the timothy leary blog post!) oh well-you love me and my random comments anyway!
P.S. i substituted my regular link for my Pro-Pot page-if anyone is interested in learning more about the earth saving plant!
Oh-And-HAPPY NEW YEAR TO Bage’s & Soy
Stona Lisa
5 Jan 08 at 9:44 am
Stona: I’m with Educate, Regulate, Medicate… but can we add medibate?
bagel of everything
6 Jan 08 at 10:02 am
word…but it might be a little hard to hold/smoke at the same time….first medicate-then medibate when your good and medicated!!!
Stona Lisa
6 Jan 08 at 12:00 pm
The lips in that picture look like they could suck start a Harley.
Stiletto
11 Jan 08 at 11:16 am
That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me! Thanks Stiletoo.
Kevin
11 Jan 08 at 11:21 am
Stil: I chose that photo for that reason, as well as the softiness inside the elbows. Even if he does look like he robbed a Hot Topic
bagel of everything
11 Jan 08 at 11:24 am
Stiletto looooves gay men! Why, just yesterday, the one in the rental office told me that my little red jacket was smokin’ hot.
Gay men are like the soup bones in any good broth - without it, the stock would be flavorless.
Stiletto
11 Jan 08 at 11:50 am
Philosophy be damned, Stil! They’re just plain hot!
It’s totally unfair that society finds it normal for straight men to lust over lesbians, but us ladies show a little interest in porn with extra penis, and we’re freaks!
The more penises in a relationship, the better.
bagel of everything
11 Jan 08 at 12:11 pm
“The more penises in a relationship, the better.”
Actually, I draw the line at 2. I went on a 3-way date with a couple who’s polyamorous third cheated on them so they dumped him. It was fun except that the one guy liked me a lot and the other kinda didn’t so the sex was really awkward later.
I forget where I was going with that.
Scott
11 Jan 08 at 12:23 pm
““The more penises in a relationship, the better.”
Not one when goes limp, as happened to someone I know. Ahem.
Plus when there’s only condom and the two guys are NOT fighting over it, and you’ve got to stop to flip a coin, it sort of sours the mood.
Stiletto
11 Jan 08 at 1:13 pm
“Not one when goes limp”
That’s exactly why multiple penises are important!
One goes limp, you got a backup!
But yeah, I see where not fighting over a condom could hurt one’s pride
The Bagel of Everything
12 Feb 08 at 8:57 am