Farewell to a Cruiser
Chrysler, LLC has announced that, after 8 years in production, the PT Cruiser will bow out of the automaker’s line in 2008. Along with the ill-received SUV/wagon/thing Pacifica and the “midlife-crisis-for-underachievers” known as the Crossfire, the ‘Cruiser will depart with little fanfare after the end of the model year’s production run.
Oh, PT Cruiser. You came on the scene amid a typhoon of hype and excitement. I can remember dealers taking orders for you in the first few months of your introduction to the market. It was a special time and you were a special car. In a time when ultra-modern, hulking light trucks and fully-appointed, full-size sedans ruled the automotive landscape, your small, spartan, retro-styled presence was hard to miss. Much like the VW Beetle and the Citroen 2cv that came before, you embodied the spirit of a cheap, basic and fun vehicle geared toward a twenty-something demographic. Of course, “embodying the spirit” doesn’t necessarily mean you actually pulled it off. You got astonishingly low gas mileage from such an underpowered engine, not even cracking 20 MPG (city).* (To put things in perspective, my compact, 4 wheel-drive SUV gets 21 mpg in the city.) You retailed at around $16,000 with a mid-level option package, while a similarly-appointed Toyota Yaris would go for around $12,000. When you hit the streets, Daimler-Chrysler was banking on your appeal to 20-30 year-olds, but it was teenage girls whose imaginations you seemed to capture most completely and Cruiser sales ran in great part on princess power.
Still, PT Cruiser, for all your failings and demographical curve-balls, you were not without your strengths. You were an International Car, conceptualized in the United States and Canada, yet built in Mexico by a German company. Also, you certainly got the automotive world to see things through a retro lens. Since your introduction, the Mini Cooper, the Chevrolet SSR and Ford Thunderbird have all based their designs on vehicles from bygone eras. You also exposed a market for affordable cars with decent gas mileage that still maintain a sense of fun and free-spiritedness. While you ultimately didn’t fit into that market, you cleared the way for the Honda Fit, the Chevrolet HHR and, my personal favorite, the Scion XB. (Even thick-headed Chrysler eventually got it right with the Dodge Caliber.) You also gave the newly-formed DaimlerChrysler a bona-fide hit when the Teutonic trust really needed one.
Now that the Germans have re-engineered the notoriously-disorganized Chrysler company to achieve maximum efficiency, they’ve moved on to higher-profit territory. Enter sinisterly-named equity firm Cerberus, who will cut every ounce of fat left on Chrysler’s carcass, as sinisterly-named equity firms are good at doing–and you’ve become a casualty, PT.
So, drive off gently into that good night and rage not against the dimming of the headlights. Take a long, exaggerated bow and exit, stage left, with grace and purpose. For better or worse, you have left your mark on the world; you will be remembered.
Related post: An open letter to Chrysler
Those were the ugliest effing cars I’ve ever seen. Especially with the wood panelling.
Scott
5 Dec 07 at 1:18 pm
idk, scott, those effing pacificas were pretty effing ugly as well. it’s a fucking minivan, not a ‘touring suv crossover’. fucking sharks in marketing.
keywork.
5 Dec 07 at 1:26 pm
I saw more men (straight, from the one’s I know) driving this car. Which surprised me. it’s just so not manly.
kristiane
5 Dec 07 at 2:33 pm
Not so manly at all.
keywork.
5 Dec 07 at 2:49 pm
Scott: I hate them too. Soy likes them because he’s a pretty princess.
KW: WTF is a touring suv anyway? Do they like come to your town and do a show at your civic center? And all the fangirls are like “OMGOMGOMG! Suv was totally looking at me!”
Kristiane: Teen girls like them. Straight men like teen girls. “I drive a PT Cruiser” was totally the new “want some candy?” and “will you help me find my lost puppy?”.
bagel of everything
5 Dec 07 at 4:54 pm
Bagel: exactly. stupid boyvans.
keywork.
5 Dec 07 at 5:15 pm
OT, but I love the new face of your site. Makes your posts easier to read. Streamlined, too. Nice!
Stiletto
5 Dec 07 at 6:09 pm
All cars are shit. Just depends how you take care of them.
PTs were for some insecure idiot who probably had no fucking childhood or no imagination or both. Maybe SPS also.
I hated them on sight. Some fucking liberal surf hippie who lost his woody in the 50s was probably first in line for one.
micky2
5 Dec 07 at 9:45 pm
I never got why PT Cruisers were that popular. Sure, they looked retro, but looking retro doesn’t automatically make something cool. Silly Chrysler. Just roll over and die already…
Cody
5 Dec 07 at 10:50 pm
I think Chrsysler died twice already. The Feds will probably bail them out next time they go under. Which means we will still have to pay for their shitty cars whether we like it or not.
Does any one remember when they were buying fucking cars from Mitsibishi and putting fucking Chrysler emblems on them and calling them Crickets ? These guys are fucking embaressment to the American work force. Fuckin fucked fuckers, fuck them.
fuck
micky2
5 Dec 07 at 11:22 pm
AH, the P/T Cruiser. I always thought it looked like a malformed testicle on wheels.
Happy Hannukah all!!
Love and Goyim,
LK
Laurie Kendrick
5 Dec 07 at 11:24 pm
@ Bagel: Whatever made you think I actually liked those hideous, torqued-up, gas-sucking, phone booth-handling, no headroom-having curb bombs? I rented one to cover a concert in Raleigh. It sucked in epic fashion! That being said, I am a pretty princess…
@Keywork The Pacifica was truly full of fail. It looked like they spread out a Town & Country. A glorified station wagon. Of course, you can’t get any American under 55 to buy a ’station wagon’, so they called it a ‘crossover’. Marketing is all about couching a product’s shortcomings in buzzwords and half-truths. I should know…
@ Scott: Welcome back. “Ugliest effing cars I’ve ever seen?” You’re taking this “No Cussing” thing very seriously…
@Kristiane: I don’t know any men who own one, but I know several–ahem–Rubenesque females who drive them. Perhaps Chrysler did some cross-promotion with Weight Watchers (or Häagen-Dazs®).
I agree; the PT Cruiser was about as masculine as a front wheel-drive canopy bed with a chiffon valence.
Soylent Ape
5 Dec 07 at 11:43 pm
@ Cody/Micky2: Chrysler has run on about a half century of mismanagement about now. The only time they had an inkling was when Daimler was running them. Many of my own family work for Chrysler in Windsor, ON and the headquarters in Detroit.
Those Mitsubishis, I’m sad to say, were far higher quality than the fucking awful Relient Ks and Spirits that C-ler was belching up.
@ Laurie: Thank you very much. I’m gonna watch The Hebrew Hammer in your honor! Latke luck!
Soylent Ape
6 Dec 07 at 12:00 am
” Many of my own family work for Chrysler in Windsor,”
Cody,
No offense inteded to you or your family.
Chrysler falls in right behind AMC and their Gremlin.
I use to sell time shares too.
The mitsubishi reference was to point out that they cant make their own cars.
micky2
6 Dec 07 at 12:27 am
Stil: Off topic? Bah! Thanks for the compliment. What about the old theme made it hard to read? I’m always curious what RR looks like on other ppls computers. It’s fabulous on mine, but I’ve seen a few screen caps ppl have sent where it looks hideous.
Micky: Was Soy what said that.
Also: I <3 the Gremlin! They look like spaceships, from a planet where they build really crappy spaceships.
bagel of everything
6 Dec 07 at 12:44 am
Yea, sorry soy, cody.
We had a power outage for about about 18 hours. I just got back online and I am just nursing away the withdrawl symptoms, I’m a little shakey.
And the Pacers !
micky2
6 Dec 07 at 1:18 am
We’re baaaaack!
Our site used to make the wordpress front page a few times a week, but hasn’t in nearly a month! I mentioned it to a WP tech guy in passing (I was emailing about something different, added it as a PS, curious if it was our stats, a glitch, or if they started censoring the list…we can be just a little bit NSFW at times :), and he said “These things happen.” I thought he meant we had fallen off our game, but he musta looked into it more, cuz WE”RE BACK!
That or we’ve sucked for a month and Soy wrote a quality post.
SEEEEEE?!
Who’s #1 in Cars? Soy is!
Now, quick, I gotta go back to bein too cool to care…
bagel of everything
6 Dec 07 at 6:35 am
@ Micky: No offense taken. I’m the first to admit that Chrysler sucked major ass in the 70s-early 90s. I know because my family had to drive their cars. My aunt bought a New Yorker that had to have its computer module reset every month or so. The only car I can remember working well was the Dodge Colt that same aunt owned. Of course, Chrysler didn’t make it. It was made by Mitsubishi in Japan and Dodge just slapped a badge on it. My parents’ 1981 Sportsman Royale van was pretty reliable and tough as a muh-fucka, come to think of it.
Soylent Ape
6 Dec 07 at 7:25 am
I sold new and used cars for a couple of years. A lady came in with a sweet Nissan wagon. She wanted to trade it for something bigger. We had a Cordoba she really liked.
I looked in the aquisition manifest and this car has more problems than Carters has little pills. I tried to talk her out of it, but to no avail.
Two days later a tow truck with her Cordoba pulls up on our lot with her in the tow truck, nearlly in tears and all pissed off at me.
Its in the banks hands now I told her. Once the rear wheels go past the curb, its yours.
Basically it had the same problem as the New Yorker, like R2D2 shorted out or something.
micky2
6 Dec 07 at 9:47 am
might I remind you it was a heavenly flying chrysler…a real woody…just over a snow storm …for a lincoln on mars…you phillistine’s ….
frodo441
6 Dec 07 at 7:02 pm
oh, give ‘em a chance, didn’t they come up with the edsel?
Thunk Different.
7 Dec 07 at 12:52 am
no
micky2
7 Dec 07 at 1:18 am
Ford made the Edsel. And it bombed. I saw one for sale not too long ago, for about $300.
Cody
7 Dec 07 at 5:04 am
@ Cody: On the way to work, I keep seeing a Pinto for sale. I wonder if the price includes the optional asbestos suit…
Soylent Ape
7 Dec 07 at 6:24 am
I think Pintos are nice looking lil cars.
Seems there’s kind of a trend with me. I like shitty cars.
Anyone wanna join my support group? We meet in Soy’s Vanagon every Wednesday.
bagel of everything
7 Dec 07 at 8:59 am
I thought it was in your Vega
micky2
7 Dec 07 at 11:20 am
Soy has a hardon for Vanagons
bagel of everything
7 Dec 07 at 11:41 am
Does he have a “Hot wheels” collection as well ?
micky2
7 Dec 07 at 1:38 pm
No, those are mine.
Keep off em!
…they’re collectable.
bagel of everything
7 Dec 07 at 1:51 pm
I got lots of track ! And a loop d loop
micky2
7 Dec 07 at 2:00 pm
( My son has about 400 of them) he doesnt know it yet, but they’re mine
micky2
7 Dec 07 at 2:02 pm
An excuse to buy the toys you really want is the only reason to have children.
Well, that, and to raise for food.
bagel of everything
7 Dec 07 at 2:05 pm
He never lets me play the drumset, or the PS2. And he hides his mothers Fredericks catalogues.
From me.
micky2
7 Dec 07 at 2:23 pm
Get a bunch of printouts of pictures of your wife from Kinkos (they keep them in stock), and paste her face on all the models. That’ll teach him.
It might even ruin him enough that you can have all his boy toys forever!
bagel of everything
7 Dec 07 at 2:28 pm
How the fuck did kinkos get pics of my wife ? And how the fuck would you know what she looks like ?
Better watch yer ass ya snippy little bitch. Mt wife can beat up your fucking pervert racoon ! She holds an 8th don black belt in Aikido !
micky2
7 Dec 07 at 3:49 pm
Kinko ! That was that fucking clown that played on the Doctor Demento show !
micky2
7 Dec 07 at 4:51 pm
How the fuck did kinkos get pics of my wife ?
Maybe she was fucking the Kinko boy on top of the machine. That’s what you get for not having a pool.
Stiletto
7 Dec 07 at 4:53 pm
Stil: and for not having a copying machine.
Pervert? Really?
Pot: “Hey, Kettle.”
Kettle: “Yes, Pot?”
Pot: “Fuck You.”
Pot: “and you’re black.”
Bagel holds a mace and her husband is an Ape. Apes usually trump Aikido.
keywork.
7 Dec 07 at 5:03 pm
“Maybe she was fucking the Kinko boy on top of the machine. That’s what you get for not having a pool.”
I need a pool like I need a fucking squirrel, I am surrounded by water for 3000 miles in every direction ! Rage against the machine and fuck the bitch.
“Apes usually trump Aikido.”
Apes are too fucking dumb to play trumps.
But I have seen them smoke cigarettes inside cages and throw their shit at racoons.
Stiletto, I saw your pool pics with all the pasted on heads. Thats what you get for not having a bitch, uh beach
micky2
7 Dec 07 at 6:46 pm
someone never read ‘Congo’.
keywork.
7 Dec 07 at 6:49 pm
I’ve been there.
And I’m back ! With lots and lots of ash trays that look like the one you jack off with !
micky2
7 Dec 07 at 6:58 pm
Pasted on heads? Do explain lol
Stiletto
7 Dec 07 at 9:32 pm
Looked just like a Brittany party I saw in Globe magazine.
micky2
7 Dec 07 at 9:41 pm
And the little heads all came from kinkos? They must be very busy over there.
My wife has informed me that the copy machines are being shorted out at an unprofitable rate. The ones you see now are only empty drones. But they are still warm on the ass.
What I still find interesting is Stilettos inside knowledge of the kinko boys activities.
Actually, anyone reading should make their way over to Stilletos. Especially the guys.
Checkout her pageant and tub party, Nice looking women. Period
micky2
7 Dec 07 at 9:58 pm
Stil, sorry about the two ls
micky2
7 Dec 07 at 9:58 pm
Micky: “Mt wife can beat up your fucking pervert racoon ” Prove it! Have her beat him real good! And remember, if there are no pics, it didn’t happen.
Stiletto: “That’s what you get for not having a pool.” <– that’s just genius. It works for everything, too.
“Little Nancy just told me she’s a lesbian”
“That’s what you get for not having a pool.”
“Grampa fell off the roof and broke his face”
“That’s what you get for not having a pool.”
“You’re mean and I hate you”
“That’s what you get for not having a pool.”
See?
Everyone: You’re all assholes. I love you.
bagel of everything
7 Dec 07 at 10:13 pm
Bread with hole, say goodbye to your favorite shmuck.
SEE HERE
http://www.pbase.com/crocodile/image/34780171
Hmmm, the last girl I met that loved assholes wore a strap on.
And brought forth and attempted to legislate a law enabling her to marry her own asshole.
micky2
7 Dec 07 at 10:38 pm
Bah! That’s nothing compared to the campaign poster I made for him. I’m sure he’ll love your arts too, just not as much as mine.
bagel of everything
7 Dec 07 at 10:40 pm
Gargle my balls
micky2
7 Dec 07 at 10:46 pm
“Stil: and for not having a copying machine.”
Or a garden.
Hmmm, the last girl I met that loved assholes wore a strap on.
And brought forth and attempted to legislate a law enabling her to marry her own asshole.
Wow I bet you walk pretty funny.
Stiletto
7 Dec 07 at 11:46 pm
I.ve met Leonard Nemoy also Stil, but I dont perform mind melts.
I.ve also waited on Richard Gere and entourage and actually never been near a gerbil.
Jim Neighbors did take a shot at me one night, (true story) when was the last time you heard from him?
The reason it didnt work out with dick girl is because she was a socialist and wore the fucking thing on her forehead. Socialist being the crux of the matter.
micky2
8 Dec 07 at 12:26 am
I really thought the title of this post was about bidding adieu to your glory hole days, Micks.
Stiletto
9 Dec 07 at 10:11 am
No, I think it was your hole that was deemed a “cruiser”
micky2
9 Dec 07 at 10:48 am