Ration Reality

Hey kids! I’ve found us a new contributor!
The brilliantly funny Scott from In the What? has accepted an asininement. Sucker!

In the following post, an honest to G-d librarian gives us permission to swear. So if you’re ever busted for vulgarities in a library, tell them Scott said it’s ok. They’ll totally understand: ‘Rians are much like blacks, jews, and the gays– they all know eachother.

Pace yourself children. It’s a strong piece from beginning to end. I’m so proud.

 –Bagel

McKay Hatch Was Born on a Pirate Ship

Kids have dreams for some reason. The youth of America all seem to think they’re going to change the world. “I’m gonna be a fireman and save people’s lives!” “I’m gonna be the Easter Bunny and give everyone chocolate eggs!” “I’m gonna be a doctor and cure my mommy’s cancer!” Yeah right. More likely you’re going to graduate with a B average, major in business, and become boring and useless like everyone else. That’s why it’s a good thing that kids are powerless. They don’t get a chance to pursue their dreams until they’re old enough to realize how stupid they are.

But not McKay Hatch! No, McKay jumped upon his dreams before the Sledgehammer of Reality came barreling towards his cranium, and–wonders behold!–he HAS changed the world! Mr. Hatch is the prepubescent founder of the No Cussing Club, a group that is free for anyone to join if you’re willing to sacrifice your identity and emotions, which you are because you want to fit in and have friends too. All you have to do is never cuss* again! Not ever.

Naturally, I signed up so I could give you the inside scoop on this organization’s radical agenda. I logged onto the member page to print out my certificate for framing, but my asshole printer fucked it all up. Oops, wait. I forgot the club charter. Dammit!

Ok, no more swearing starting after I call my cat a bitch for putting her claws in my crotch.

Ok starting NOW!

…….mmmmmmmMMMMMM I can’t think of anything to say! And that’s the problem with the No Cussing Club. Swearing has become a part of who we are. We’re human beings who sometimes need to mouth off, and censoring that is constricting and unproductive. Sure, cursing doesn’t make one sound like the most eloquent person in all the land, but it gets shit done! It’s simple and direct, and in today’s text-message, Craigslist-hookup society, don’t we prize those traits? “Fuck you!” “Fuck me!” “Fuck this!” There’s more meaning in those 6 words than the uncursified: “I condemn you!” “Have sex with me now!” “This activity displeases me!”

Cursing derives its effectiveness from the cyclical illogic that is “The Taboo.” Why is it rude to say ’shit’? Because it’s a curse word. Why is it a curse word? Because it’s rude to say. The very act of being offended by a word gives the word its offensive power. That’s why when McKay complains his friends sound stupid for swearing all the time, I argue that they’d probably sound stupid anyway. You have stupid friends, McKay! If your language is a constant string of swear words, then each becomes progressively more meaningless until people realize you have a pathetic vocabulary. Let them keep it up or recruit them into the NCC so they’ll be forced to learn some words and maybe get a job one day where they won’t have to wear a special hat. But don’t discount the power of cursing because of your stunted little preteen entourage.

Here’s a little lesson, McKay. How does one put meaning into “I have a lot of homework to do”? If that’s what you wanna say, then fine. But a lot of homework? BFD! What if you want to make clear your feelings about all that homework? You want to tell the world how angry you are about the massive assignments you have to do the night of the 8th-grade cotillion! Katie Jorgenson’s mom is letting her wear makeup for Christ’s sake! You think that comes through with “a lot”? A plethora? A cornucopia? NO! You have a cock-sucking shit-ton of homework to do! And how do you feel about it? You’re fucking pissed!

That’s the thing about swearing: it lets off steam. Studies have shown that employee cursing actually reduces stress in the workplace. I know it makes me feel more relaxed. If you hide from swearing (and pornography and sex, to which McKay claims cussing is a gateway drug), you’re also hiding from the animal inside you, and he’ll eventually find his way out. Better to fire off epithets than fire off bullets, I say. Curse words embody our feelings, and like any feeling, it’s better to let it out or else you’ll end up the perpetrator of a mass-murder/suicide, and seriously, that is so high school.

When people try to refrain from “sin” for personal reasons, I take it as an invitation to trick them into failing. People on diets need to eat, pregnant women need to drink, and wholesome, kiss-ass kids need to shoot off at the mouth. I want to go up to McKay and say, “I’m doing a crossword. What’s a three-letter word that means donkey?” “What’s a female dog called?” “Name five body parts on which you wish you grew hair like the other boys.” He may hate me for conning him, but I’m saving the world from a repressed psycho.

Cussing leads to sex, drugs, pornography, and having cool friends. Not cussing leads to murder and child sexual predation and having these friends. The road to hell or the road to heck? It’s “To Hell or Tits” for me, so I’m starting a new club for the rest of McKay’s friends to join. It’s called the Let’s Cuss and Masturbate All Day Because We Can Club, and you might as well join now, kiddies, because you know you’ll be here by age 16 whether you sign up or not. Don’t worry, McKay my man. You’ll be just like us someday.

*For those of you with educations and a command of the English language, “cuss” is Confederate for “curse.”

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Bagel note: They even have a music video on youtube! Embedding has been disabled, so you’ll have to click. I ’spose they want to keep the initiative on the down-low, like any other responsible cult. Some moron has done a Slim Shady spoof of it. It sucks.

See, I told you it sucks.

 

Now, go read Scott’s blog. Seriously. I read it, and that makes it good.
Ladies (and Kevins): While you’re clicking, go drool over his myspace.

Think you’re funny? You probably aren’t. Still, it can’t be much worse than the drivel we write. Submit your work here.