Jesse Owens, Great American Zero
It seems Deviant has accepted that he’s going to hell, and is trying to make a few friends down there before he arrives. Always supportive of our friends’ ambitions, we at ЯR are posting his newest exclusive submission with love, support, and wtf. -bagel
Deviant: See you in hell, my friend. See you in hell.
I like to recognize exceptional heroics when I see it; the flag-raising of Iwo Jima, 9-11 firefighters, Ellen Degeneres crying over a puppy on national television, but I will not stand by any longer and allow a man to be called a hero when this man is anything but.
I am, of course, speaking of Jesse Owens.
Why the long face?
I grew up near a park that was named after him, and for many years I thought Mr. Owens was a freedom fighter, an iconic American hero, a man so full of bravery that he unquestionably deserved to have things named after him, but I was saddened recently to find out that I had been lied to…and that Jesse Owens park was now a haven for crack dealers…
He’s no Flo-Jo
Jesse Owens ran track in the 1936 Olympics in Nazi Germany, in front of Hitler, which sounds impressive on paper, but I achieved something similar by hanging out with black and latino hoodlums in the mean streets of Inglewood, California during the early 90’s, and trust me that was no walk–or run–in the park (unless we’re talking about Jesse Owens park, which is now run by aforementioned crack dealers).
Hitler wanted to show the world via the German Olympics that his Aryan race was superior, which is surprising because he didn’t fix the games, so it goes to show that Hitler honestly believed his own bullshit…which kind of makes you like him a little bit. Hitler is sort of like Dan Quayle in that respect (please don’t ask me to explain).
Jesse Owens plays a rousing game of Rock, Paper, Nazi Salute.
Hitler would have gotten away with his scheme if it hadn’t been for that meddling Jesse! He went on to win four gold medals and went on to prove that….what? Aryans aren’t superior at track and field? Well we kind of already suspected that this was the case…
No I get it, Jesse Owen’s win showed Nazi Germany that black people were every bit as deserving of life as white people, and the Holocaust was averted.
Oh no that still happened.
So then what did Jesse Owens accomplish?
Absolutely nothing. Jesse Owens himself added insult to injury, according to a tell all book titled Triumph Jesse Owen stated:
“Hitler didn’t snub me — it was [FDR] who snubbed me. The president didn’t even send me a telegram.”
According to Wikipedia (citing a biography) Jesse Owens also said:
“When I passed [HITLER!] he arose, waved his hand at me, and I waved back at him. I think the writers showed bad taste in criticizing the man of the hour in Germany.”
The nerve of some people. A real hero would have seen Hitler for the monster he was, nevermind that Owens was shuttled around the US like a second-class citizen, are you really comparing the wholesale slaughter of Jews to white-only fountains? Which would you choose if you had to, huh?
I would choose the white-only fountain, myself.
(Bagel note: Deviant, usted es demasiado marrón. Move away from my fountain.)
And so, Jesse Owens allegedly raced horses, ran a dry cleaning business, was prosecuted for tax evasion, and then died of lung cancer…
Is this really someone that you want your son or daughter to emulate? Do you want your offspring to grow up and race against horses? I don’t think so.
It is then, with a heavy heart, that I look away from Jesse Owens and offer up a brighter shinier alternative. One that fills my heart with American pride and, for me, stands as the very definition of heroism. And her name is Kerri Strug.
Where is Kerri Strug’s Memorial Park? I don’t care if she isn’t dead yet, she’s a damned American hero and she deserves it!
Kerri Strug, An Hero
What have you learned today? Jesse Owens accomplished nothing. Kerri Strug is a hero. Hitler wasn’t such a bad guy.
Do I sincerely believe everything I write, you ask? I don’t even know anymore man.
Related posts:
- The FOB Report: Guatemala
- Illegal in Germany
- The Chicago Bulls Logo Conspiracy
- 2007 Hipster Olympics
- TLDR Biographies: Thomas Edison
- ЯR Comics: Ve Haff Vays of Makink You Talk!
- TLDR Biographies: Egon Schiele
- Hip-Hop Hitler
Think you’re funny? Submit your work!
Very, very funny, Deviant.
When I grow up, I want to be an intelligent, hilarious gay man.
(Shut up, Key!!)
LK
Laurie Kendrick
29 Oct 07 at 11:28 am
Lk, I was just about to remind you that you were once, but that would be inappropriate. Oh, shit, look at that, my thoughts found a way out.
keywork.
29 Oct 07 at 11:33 am
“Shut up, Key” is kinda like the “here kitty kitty” of the were-coon world.
bagel of everything
29 Oct 07 at 11:55 am
Yeah, Bagel, pretty much.
keywork.
29 Oct 07 at 11:57 am
Where da white wimmen at?
And now for my next impression, Jesse Owens!
Frontier Former Editor
29 Oct 07 at 3:06 pm
Bagel: of course the difference is, when Laurie says it, I know that she is walking around the house naked while spreading out garbage on the floor.
keywork.
29 Oct 07 at 4:45 pm
When will Kerri Strug drop into Iran and kick large-scale ass a la John Rambo?
Soylent Ape
29 Oct 07 at 7:37 pm
Wasn’t FDR in a wheelchair? He couldn’t have exactly rose and waved, now could he?
Jim
29 Oct 07 at 9:00 pm
Hey, was that a Grim Reaper reference in Deviant’s photo caption? I can’t believe it took me this long to catch it!
Soylent Ape
29 Oct 07 at 9:50 pm
FDR was in a wheelchair Jim, making him our weakest president ever. Let us never speak his name again.
Kevin
29 Oct 07 at 10:59 pm
The phrase “sports hero” seems like an oxymoron to me. Yes, even when commies are involved. (No, I’m not a commie. Just a pinko, er, light red-o…)
Cody
30 Oct 07 at 1:48 am
Soy: Hey, was that a Grim Reaper reference in Deviant’s photo caption?”
Yes, yes it was. It was a treasure for you.
Cody: I think a sports hero would be someone who is a sports star during the day, and a superhero at night. Like a less geeky Clark Kent.
bagel of everything
30 Oct 07 at 6:38 am
But what kind of costume would track shorts hide…? Wait, I don’t want to think about that.
Cody
30 Oct 07 at 7:18 pm
@ Bagel: Thanks for thinking of me!
.
Soylent Ape
31 Oct 07 at 4:58 pm
And I suppose poor Deviant will be just as heartbroken to learn that most of today’s athletes are taking some form of steroids. Boo hoo…Strug was probably juicing which enabled her to jump with that fucked up ankle, thus shattering the effervescent Deviant’s view of her, too.
Stiletto
2 Nov 07 at 1:31 pm
[...] Jesse Owens publicly claimed Hitler wasn’t such a bad guy when the Olympics were held in Germany of all places. Yeah let’s not politicize the Olympics by having our athletes compete in Nazi Germany, way to go Olympics Committee, you just provided Nazi Germany with a 1 Million Mark profit which was probably shuttled right into the death camps. [...]
The Olympics: Killing People With Sports « Ration Reality
10 Apr 08 at 1:17 pm