The Halloween Home Game
This Halloween, I’m going as the crazy lady down the street.
I’ve not been invited to any parties, so I’ll not be needing an actual costume, but I will need these original, budget friendly treats for the home game:
First up:
Vanilla Spooge Nougat
Parents don’t like allowing their children to take homemade candy from strangers. Politeness makes them claim it’s for safety’s sake, but the real truth is: homemade candy is BORING! Liven it up with this simple recipe:
Ingredients:
- Festively shaped mold (budget tip: plastic candy molds can be expensive. With all the “scare” over lead “toxicity”, metal toy molds can be purchased for pennies on the dollar at eBay, and will last for years!)
- Blocks of chocolate
- Stick pins
- Shammy rag
- corn syrup
- syringe
- vanilla flavoring
- One male (human or canine), and his pornography of choice
- Spooge receptacle (beer bottle is fine)
- Brightly colored plastic film (The orange rainy-day newspaper bags are best for this. Check your neighborhood dumpster the sunday after a storm)
Instructions:
- Place male in quiet area with recepticle and pornography, to produce the protein rich filling. If the male is not human, you may need an assistant.
- While the nut-nougat is being prepared, melt the chocolate, pour into molds, and allow to harden.
- Retrieve spooge cup. Stir vanilla flavor and corn syrup into semen. Do not heat, as cooking will kill off semen borne virus and bacteria essential to the process. Fill syringe with suspension.
- Inject vanilla goodness into chocolates, chill again, and remove from molds.
- Cut plastic film into appropriately sized squares, wrap candy. Use the stick pins to hold the packagse together - you don’t want your homecooked goodness to spill out into the bag, soiling itself with the lesser candies!
- Use the shammy cloth to wipe away your fingerprints, store in sub-zero freezer, and you’re all set for the best Halloween ever!
Trick or treat pails are getting larger every year. Help fill them to the brim with used library books. At only 10cents per tome (even less if better than half the pages are missing — the kids won’t notice) books are an economical and educational treat.
Bonus: Wrap them loosely in colorful paper before sticking into the bag. The child will be sooo eager to see what wonderful gift awaits them, they might even cut their begging trip short to go home and open it!
Won’t little Jimmy be thrilled with his collectibly-musty copy of 120 Days of Sodom!
Razor blades in apples?
What child eats apples on Halloween?
Go straight to the source with Hello Kitty Razor Blades,
extra sharp for cutting through those tough candy wrappers, for maximum consumption speed!
Sorry, kids, these aren’t on the market — yet! I’m working with my people to have them on your shelves by H2K8! (Base image sources: 1, 2, 3)
A scoop of loose sugar is a lowcost alternative to pixie sticks.
Add droplets of colorful lead paint for that extra touch.
At a generous 1/4cup per child, you can treat 45 ghosties and goblins with a 5 pound bag!
That’s less than a nickel per child!
All those sweets can give a child a tummy ache.
Add some protein to their goodie bags with Actual Swedish Fish (img src)
You’ll need: blue betta fish from your local, family-owned big box discount store (choose the floatiest ones and ask for a discount), yellow spray paint, masking tape.
ЯR’s very own Tom Corbett Ass Cadet buttons, now with extra pointy pins. ($1.50 - cafepress)
So what will you be giving out this year?
Remember: Anyone who isn’t arrested is a winner!
I was concerned at first that a “shammy rag” was needed, but upon further reading I can see that as an essential item. See, people dont realize that you get spooge on yer hands, next thing you know you are running fingers thru your hair…and well i think we all know what happends next. Im wondering if you can add coconut to the filling because for me, that seems fitting. and delicious.
sopmax12
4 Oct 07 at 5:37 am
And for the record this year i will be giving out “dead blank stares” kids love that!
sopmax12
4 Oct 07 at 5:38 am
Thanks for the razor blade tip. Wasn’t it Gallagher or some other prop comedian who said whay not bypass all the trouble and just hand out blades and straight pins?
Frontier Former Editor
4 Oct 07 at 7:29 am
Sopmax12: You can, indeed, add coconut! Also, you should add peanut butter - but don’t let the parents know, what with all the “allergies” kids have these days.
FFE: Perhaps, but did he photoshop hello kitty onto it? noooo, he (probably) didn’t!
bagel of everything
4 Oct 07 at 7:46 am
Oh dood. I am spanky….my name changes when im logged into my site. (because I am a retard and set it up all stupid.)
wasnt sure if you knew you were talking to the spankster. peanut butter always adds a bit of class to any dish.
sopmax12
4 Oct 07 at 8:06 am
Spankymax: I didn’t notice. I moused over and recognised the url.
bagel of everything
4 Oct 07 at 8:27 am
spankymax. i like that.
sopmax12
4 Oct 07 at 8:34 am
And what’s wrong with the simple yet classic tastefulness of Wilkinson or Schick?
Frontier Former Editor
4 Oct 07 at 8:47 am
Hello Kity razor blades won me over.
I’m also thinking about my “hip” treat this year: the “Contraceptive Sponge Bob Square Pants”. I used to used all my old sponges for washing dishes. The imbedded pubes helped remove stubborn baked on grease and what not. Thanks for this groovy idea!
Raw sugar is great and the old books idea is brilliant. What kid DOESN’t want a prettily wrapped condensed paperback of “Anna Karenina” minus 147 relevant pages?
This was very funny, Bagel. MENSA would be proud!
lauriekendrick
4 Oct 07 at 9:44 am
Spankymax: I thought you would
FFE: eh?
Laurie: I spat my tea at “imbedded pubes”. Did you see that I remembered how to make the candy just like you and KW taught me when I was little?
I know it’s supposed to be for Easter only (fertility rites and all that), but I think more people get laid on Halloween, so they’re gunna need the fertility boost. Teen preggers rates have fallen dramatically. We must take a stand!
bagel of everything
4 Oct 07 at 9:50 am
My heart stopped at “imbedded pubes”. why? because ive been waiting for years for someone to come up with a classy way to recycle those little dudes, that why.
sopmax12
4 Oct 07 at 10:40 am
LK: what child could possibly carry the weight of one of your abused sponges? They wouldn’t get too far.
keywork.
4 Oct 07 at 10:58 am
Yes Bagel…the injection of spooge has always been relevant in the Keyword/Coondrick household.
But the beer bottle receptable was your idea.
And remember finding your father’s shammeys under his side of the bed? They were stiff as a board!! You could’ve cut meat with one of the corners.
And remember that day in 1st grade arts and crafts? When your teacher said decorate Easter Eggs for Mommie and you turned yours into pretty Ben Wa balls?
What a delightful child you were!
lauriekendrick
4 Oct 07 at 10:59 am
Keywork of the Small Penises: why be so mean?
lauriekendrick
4 Oct 07 at 11:00 am
The Ben Wa balls were a classic. Got knee deep in a bottle of Coontucky Bourbon last night, drunk dialed you twice I think.
keywork.
4 Oct 07 at 11:04 am
Yes you did. I thought you said you wanted phone sex. You kept screaming “Phone Sex, Phone Sex” in the the receiver.
SO when I started talking to you about your hind legs, you got mad and said that wasn’t what you were talking about.
You actually wanted me to “Phone Six”, your cousin with six legs. Seem you were too drunk to drive home and you needed him to come pick you up.
I misunderstood. Boy was my face red!!
lauriekendrick
4 Oct 07 at 11:14 am
Yeah, Six ended up hitting a deer(oh, the irony) on his way so I had to walk home. I woke up this morning with deer carcass on my mind.
keywork.
4 Oct 07 at 11:38 am
Spankymax: Ever since Laurie discovered that KW is fond of garbage, she’s re-doubled her recycling efforts.
LK: I thought the beer bottle/syringe technique would be appropriate for our readers, as they are unlikely to have a male around with a sharp enough wankie to fill the candies directly.
Of course I remember the benwa balls. I asked which was Ben and which was Wa, and then you demonstrated. Clearly, the orange one was Wa. FYI: ‘benwa’ is chinese for ‘been WHERE?!!”
KW: Laurie fucked a deer carcass once
bagel of everything
4 Oct 07 at 12:07 pm
You so beat me to it, Bagel.
keywork.
4 Oct 07 at 12:08 pm
I let BOTH you jackals have that one!!!
lauriekendrick
4 Oct 07 at 12:29 pm
LK: Let’s be honest here. It’s not like double teaming is a new concept to you.
keywork.
4 Oct 07 at 12:34 pm
Hillbilly divorce Key. I flicked a herpes scab in your direction.
It’s over.
lauriekendrick
4 Oct 07 at 12:37 pm
You’re still my campaign manager, right?(raccoon apology)
keywork.
4 Oct 07 at 12:40 pm
KW: I submit to you a campaign poster
It sucks, mostly cuz I don’t have any good ideas ATM.
bagel of everything
4 Oct 07 at 12:48 pm
Beautiful, dear Bagel. At first I thought that was the chupacabra. Now I know that you have been taking pictures of me when I pass out drunk. Stop. Beautiful banner!
keywork.
4 Oct 07 at 12:49 pm
Bagel, may I use this banner on my site? Please?
It’s beautiful…bought a tear to my eye and a little discharge to my asshole.
lauriekendrick
4 Oct 07 at 1:02 pm
Asshole discharge. hmmmm. Oh, Bagel, it’s already on my site. Daddy is so proud.
keywork.
4 Oct 07 at 1:06 pm
I give this banner to the world!
Use it however you want.
bagel of everything
4 Oct 07 at 1:07 pm
“Asshole discharge”…i think the proper term is “anal seepage”
sopmax12
4 Oct 07 at 1:13 pm
You say tomato–I say ass discharge.
Either way it still makes wiping a breeze.
lauriekendrick
4 Oct 07 at 1:17 pm
Good point. Im just jealous you got it and i dont.
spanky
4 Oct 07 at 1:39 pm
The old ass slide.
Find small, olfactory challenged children and a big enough ass and you’ve practically got an amusement park caliber ride.
lauriekendrick
4 Oct 07 at 1:42 pm
one more art
bagel of everything
4 Oct 07 at 2:08 pm
Fantastic Bagel. Thanks!
lauriekendrick
4 Oct 07 at 2:44 pm
I found the candy recipe quite intriguing and think someone else may too. Perhaps you should submit it to Ann Romney, Mrs. Mitt. Seems she has her own website (AnnRomney.com) and is seeking old family recipes to share with her readers. Do you think they do that kind of stuff in Utah? trick or treating I mean.
lorimcc
5 Oct 07 at 9:47 am
Lorimcc: Do they even have October in Utah?
bagel of everything
7 Oct 07 at 1:43 am
Ah, music for an ass slide ride right here at rathergood.com:
http://www.rathergood.com/seepage/
Frontier Former Editor
7 Oct 07 at 9:52 am
“Can you feel it, baby? Oooooohhhhh! Hallelujah!”
bagel of everything
7 Oct 07 at 9:56 am
[...] The Halloween Home Game [...]
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