The Haunted Vagina
The Haunted Vagina by Carlton Mellick III
Sounds like a clever title for feminist propaganda? Nope. This 120 page “book” is true to its pulpy title.
It’s about a vagina, that happens to be haunted. Clever, eh?
From chapter one:
“I hear voices. Coming from the walls,” I said.
“Oh . . .” she said.
“I’m serious,” I said.
“That’s not coming from the walls,” she said. “It’s coming from me.”
“From you?” I asked.
“From inside me,” she said, pulling off the covers and pointing at her crotch.
It’s difficult to love a woman whose vagina is a gateway to the world of the dead . . .
From Schtinky Reviews:
Steve falls madly in love with Stacy, but it isn’t until they move in together that he hears voices coming from Stacy’s southern junction. When a skeletal creature makes it’s way through Stacy into their world, Stacy convinces Steve he must go exploring to find out where this mysterious passage leads. After his fist (<- Bagel note: Doesn’t that just put the ’sic’ in ’sick’?!) foray, Steve almost doesn’t make it back from the alternate world, but the next time Stacy sets him up for a full spelunking.
This is by far one of Mellick’s best books ever. The alternate world is rich and mysterious, and occasionally frightening. The sheer strangeness of the tale will keep you turning pages until the end. My only complaint is that the book is short; I could have stayed much longer in Stacy’s southern hemisphere. I highly recommend this book for aficionados of horror, punk, cult, or outlandish fiction. Enjoy!
Read the first 3 chapters for free here.
More Books That Exist:
Haunted Vagina?
Main characters are:
1) Wicked Witch of the Yeast
2) Crotchula the Vampire
3) Twatsky–the Bolshevik
revolutionary and Marxist
theorist
4) Princess Fallopia, with the two
honey buns over each ear
And the MAIN antogonist to this tome?????
Dick
lauriekendrick
3 Oct 07 at 9:07 am
LK: your book would be titled “The Jaunted Vagina”. (raccoon noises)
keywork.
3 Oct 07 at 9:16 am
I snorted fruti bar out my nose when i read the title. heheh hahahah
spanky
3 Oct 07 at 9:23 am
Laurie: So you’ve read this fine, fine literary contribution! I’ve put it on my Amazon wish list.
KW: ;b
Spanky: Like, a full size fruti bar? Damn! Sorry bout that.
bagel of everything
3 Oct 07 at 9:32 am
Jaunty Vagina, Key?
You never minded taking “a jaunty stroll” in mine.
Then again, anything would feel roomy to a penis the size of a lepton.
lauriekendrick
3 Oct 07 at 9:34 am
Ok, first things first. sincce you dont know me ill tell ya. i cant type or spell and im usually too impatient to proofread. most people enjoy my typos. Fruti bar, is really of course a “fruit bar” as in the nutragrain kind. and no, it wasnt the whole thing just a bite.
“When a skeletal creature makes it’s way through Stacy into their world, Stacy convinces Steve he must go exploring”
wow, i can totally see the WB network turning this into a regular series starring Sarah Michelle Gellar. with bob barker playing the voice of her Vagina.
I should work in television. my talents are wasted.
spanky
3 Oct 07 at 9:49 am
If the WB passes on it, you could be sure it’ll be SkinaMax…
While reading this I couldn’t help but think of Lemmiwinks the gerbil who was stuck in Mr. Slave’s ass in South Park. And the adventures he had trying to leave Mr. Slave’s ass…good stuff if you haven’t seen that episode.
My question is this: Why didn’t Steve send a GiJoe or another brave soldier down to investigate the noises within Stacy? He could have put a little headlamp and camera on him and have lowered him down with a rope. I mean a fist isn’t to condusive for exploring…
And yes, that “alternate” world is VERY mysterious and occassionally frightening. Sometime it’s a jungle down there…and other times it’s just a bloody mess.
OK OK OK…that just went way too far. My apologies. I thought I was on a roll…but sometimes I need to just shut my mouth.
Bagel: I’ve opened up the idea for your “daddy” to run for president
http://whatpushesmybuttons.wordpress.com/2007/10/03/wacky-wednesday/
whatpushesmybuttons
3 Oct 07 at 10:01 am
LK: What’s a lepton?
Spanki: I thought fruti bar was cute :)
WPMB: Woo hoo! I’ll work up some banners. Perhaps a pan-blog campaign?
bagel of everything
3 Oct 07 at 10:09 am
Yeah, I wasnt sure what a lepton was either.
sopmax12
3 Oct 07 at 10:45 am
Weirdest insult ever
bagel of everything
3 Oct 07 at 10:55 am
wow.
sopmax12
3 Oct 07 at 11:28 am
Bagel, your mother has always had insecurities in regards to her man-made orifice. It’s like throwing a football into an auditorium, and then trying to find it in the dark.
keywork.
3 Oct 07 at 12:27 pm
Laurie, that deserves an standing ovulation.
Frontier Former Editor
3 Oct 07 at 12:33 pm
Funny. I went to the gyno this morning…seems like when she was done she kind of turned kinda pale with fear.
Arm Jerker J.
3 Oct 07 at 3:52 pm
What kind of drug do you need to be taking to come up with a book idea this weird? I mean, who seriously wakes up one day and thinks “I want to write a horror story…about a vagina…with dead people in it. People will totally read that!”
Cody
3 Oct 07 at 6:08 pm
Guess she won’t be getting fucked by The Little Prince. Don’t know why I keep associating these two titles.
Stiletto
4 Oct 07 at 12:05 am
“I smell dead people”
lmao
Stiletto
4 Oct 07 at 12:05 am
Sopmax: Wow, indeed.
KW: The more you hate on my mom, the more I know you really are my daddy.
AJJ: Are there voices coming from your walls, as well?
Cody: Don’t even act like you didn’t click and add it to your wishlist! Not the regular one, but the one for your myspace. The one titled “You can be Sparkle’s daddy”
Stiletto: “Guess she won’t be getting fucked by The Little Prince”. You must have had an interesting childhood.
bagel of everything
4 Oct 07 at 1:34 am
Something was buging me about this book, and then I remembered that the concept had been done years ago:
http://imdb.com/title/tt0075830/
Frontier Former Editor
4 Oct 07 at 6:27 am
At first, I thought “The Haunted Vagina” was a really bad metaphor, but finding out that it was about an actual haunted vagina gives me hopes for my own writing career!
Soylent Ape
4 Oct 07 at 6:28 am
Why do these come bubbling to the top after days?
“From upstairs he heard a crashing PUD!”
Frontier Former Editor
4 Oct 07 at 8:49 am
FFE: That’s excellent!
Chatterbox : It speaks for itself!
Plot Outline : A young woman who works in a beauty parlor discovers that her vagina can talk, which causes her no end of trouble.
Could be the greatest movie of your generation!
bagel of everything
4 Oct 07 at 10:08 am
Yeah. That’s what they said about ‘Saturday Night Fever,’ and now a tentatively obese Scientologist is part of American popular culture.
Frontier Former Editor
4 Oct 07 at 10:36 am
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