BREAKING NEWS: Michael Vick involved in Iran / Al Qaeda Conspiracy, alleges lawsuit
.
A lawsuit was filed in US District Court in Richmond, Virginia on 23 July, 2007, alleging that Michael Vick’s dogfighting activities are in fact being used to fund purchases of missile systems from Iran, because of an Al Qaeda connection which Vick made in February of this year.
Sounds too good to be true? Couldn’t possibly have happened? Made up?
Nope. This is for real. I did not make this up. Yes, Ration Reality is a humor site … but this is an actual genuine news story.
Here’s the actual court filing. No shit. It’s handwritten.
The guy had relatively good handwriting, but it’s still pretty hard to read in places. I’ll transcribe it for you here. Please believe me, the grammar, spelling, word choice, capitalization, etc., are all the original.
Also, I think the poor guy might be lonely in prison. How would all y’all like to start a letter writing campaign? His address is at the bottom of his court filing.
IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
EASTERN DISTRICT OF VIRGINIA
RICHMOND DIVISION
CIVIL ACTION NO 3:07CV434 (ed: I think that’s the correct number)
Jonathan Lee Riches (c), PLAINTIFF
vs.
Michael VICK, DEFENDANT
COMPLAINT
“THEFT AND ABUSE OF MY ANIMALS”
“TRO TEMPORARY [sic] RESTRAINING ORDER”
(ed: I think he meant ‘pro tempore’)
This suit is a Bivens action, and Civil Rights violation by The Constitution a Laws of the United States; and Federal Tort claims inflicted by that include, but not limited to: Injury to wildlife, conspiracy, illegal dog fighting, extortion, Racketeering, gambling, copyright infringement, Identity theft, fraud, threats to commit violent acts, Brutality, tax fraud.
Comes now the Plaintiff Jonathan Lee Riches (c), in pro-se, Moves this Honorable Court to issue an order for DEFENDANT MICHAEL VICK to glue a response. AlsoMoves this honorable court to issue a TRO TEMPORAry Restraining order against MICHAEL VICK from any further contact with PLaiNtiff. As PLaiNtiff is claiming that his FederaL and State Constitutional Rights are being violated under the 1st, 2nd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 8th, and 14th amendment of the Constitution. For reLieF, PLaiNtiff seek’s 63,000,000,000.00 Billion dollars backed by gold and siLver delivered via “UPS” United States ParceL Service to the front gates of FCI Williamsburg, SaLters S.C., Collected from Defendant MICHAEL VICK.
1
MICHAEL VICK is a Quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons. On April 20th, 2007 Mr. VICK Stole two white mixed Pit Bull dogs from my residence in HoLiday florida, and used them for dog fighting throughout the Richmond Area. MR. VICK damaged my RFID chips in my dogs collars so I will Not be able to track them. These 2 dogs were used for fighting on ApriL 23rd, 24th, and 26th, 2007. On April 28th, MR. VICK sold my dogs on EBAY Auction, and used the proceeds to purchase missiles from the Iran Government.
2
MICHAEL VICK CoNtinued to harass me on May 4th, 2007 by SteaLing my Identity from my coat. My Identity was used to open New Store account cards to petsmart and doggie warehouse to purchase food for MR. VICK’S illegal dogfighting operation.
3
MICHAEL VICK violated my copyright Laws by using my copyright name on his personal football outfit and casual clothing without paying me for use. This conspiracy started Jan 10th 2001 until the day this suit was written. MR. VICK uses my name to sell T-shirts, Jonathan Lee Riches mugs, Mr. Riches hats.
4
- On Feb 10th, 2007 MICHAEL VICK plead ALLengence to AL-qaeda
- MICHAEL VICK SubJected me to microwave testing
- MICHAEL VICK used drugs in school zones
- MICHAEL VICK IS iN the busiNeSS of illegaL Steroids
Plaintiff prays this court to give him relief on these Issues
Plaintiff prays this court will issue a Temporary Restraining order Against MICHAEL VICK so he can no longer sell my copyrighted materials. MICHAEL VICK can’t steal anymore of my animals (dogs) for dogfighting. MICHAEL VICK Has to stop Physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes.
Respectfully
Submitted
Jonathan Lee Riches (c)
$40948-018
FCI Williamsburg
P.O. Box 340
Salters, S.C. 29520
[DUE To Restrictions on typewriters,
This Suit was Handwritten]
I’d love to make fun of this, but it’s like Tothian wrote it or something: it makes fun of itself. I mean honestly: ‘Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes?’ Fess up, Tothian … you did have something to do with this, didn’t you? Was I wrong? Are you really not Eric Toth? Is your secret identity really Jonathan Lee Riches (c)? I mean, his name is copyrighted … just like yours. I wonder …?
“PLaiNtiff seek’s 63,000,000,000.00 Billion dollars”
How much is 63billion-billion?
$63,000,000,000,000,000,000.00 ?
63 quintillion?
Is there that much money?
I think he’ll want to put 31.5 quintillion in a Swiss account and 31.5 in a Cayman Islands account…not for tax purposes, but to keep the earth’s axis from shifting!
whatever he took, I want two.
[...] BREAKING NEWS: Michael Vick involved in Iran / Al Qaeda Conspiracy, alleges lawsuit [image]. A lawsuit was filed in US District Court in Richmond, Virginia on 23 July, 2007, alleging that [...]
Want your own mug he’s describing? They’ve already got them here! :
http://www.cafepress.com/63billion
You know, that’s prolly spam, but I’m going to leave it cuz its funny as fuck.
It is pretty catchy!
I know what the dogs were shot with . . . . Vick’s .44
Taking Vick’s 44 is very much like getting shot, but with a slightly lower chance of dying. Either way, you won’t be going anywhere for at least 6 hours. Robitussin is for pusses.
Sweet! This is the #14 post on WordPress right now. Just need a few more hits to crack the top ten …
So, if Vick nor his lawyer will comment, does that mean it’s true?
Mesez YES!!!
[...] BREAKING NEWS: Michael Vick involved in Iran / Al Qaeda Conspiracy, alleges lawsuit [image]. [...]
[...] BREAKING NEWS: Michael Vick involved in Iran / Al Qaeda Conspiracy, alleges lawsuit [image]. A lawsuit was filed in US District Court in Richmond, Virginia on 23 July, 2007, alleging that [...]
Now that’s just badass!
Wait, what? We were #14, then #13 … now #22? wtf happened?
[...] . . . . Filed under: Uncategorized — Frontier Former Editor @ 9:23 pm A big thanks to Bagel for inspiring this bit of derangement and spite toward my fellow Virginian . . [...]
Bagel edit: Thanks for the props, but they belong to Jesse. Bless his heart, he found it, transcribed that whole document, and posted it. He has much excellence.
this is whats known as an extraneous hit to help jessie crack the top ten. I know I’m only enabling him, but what the hell. Like my son says, reading Ration Reality is like winning the special olympics…either way you’re retarded.
This isn’t the only case filed by this guy, there are 18 cases filed by him in the last 2 years alone.
http://news.justia.com/cases/jonathan-lee-riches/
Thanks Nick! That’s pretty awesome!
OMFG!
He’s suing Barry Bonds for “Batman and Identity Robbin”
This guy is just looking for attention. We probably shouldn’t give it to him. (That’s sarcasm, in case the reader unfamiliar)
I prefer to think he’s using these nuisance lawsuits as a tool to underscore the flaws in our civil/tort laws and push for reform…but, then, he could be bat-fucking-insane.
This is not Mr. Riches only lawsuit.
http://dreadnaught.wordpress.com/2007/08/05/jonathan-lee-riches-jonathan-lee-riches-bad-newz-kennels-michael-vick-63-billion-63-billion-dollars-vick-63-billion-dollars-michael-vick-63-billion-dollars-michael-vick-63-billion-riches-vi/
yojoe
i think the funniest part is in the handwritten letter when he said the mike vick had “microwaved him”. what the fuck? he might have had a case until then.
[...] can’t sneeze with out hitting a lawyer. The more people that come into the profession, the more outrageous some of the case filings seem to [...]
Are we absolutely sure Tothian didn’t have anything to do w/this? I mean, really.
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