Ration Reality

Sounds pretty dramatic, doesn’t it? Hard to believe, too, that I could piss someone off to the point where they’d actually want to solve the problem for permanent. Well, it actually happened back in January, and it’s a pretty funny story.

I’ve spent the last couple years as a manager for one security company or another. My most recent gig, I was managing a branch office for a company in California. There was a pretty major event that we were providing coverage for, and one night during the set-up for it, one of my guys called off. Since I couldn’t find anyone else to take the shift, I went and worked it myself.

Let me set the scene a little. The complex has two fence lines. Between the inner and outer fences, there’s a large dirt parking area - about 15 acres or so of hard-packed granite dust. The outer gate is all the way at the southern end, and the inner gate is probably 400 yards north, maybe a little more. I had one guard (we’ll call him Tim) at the inner gate. I sat inside my company car inside the inner fence, opposite the outer gate, although I made regular trips around the rest of the compound. Tim and I were in radio communication the whole time.

I’m just going to put the text of the report that I wrote up here, and I’ll put some comments in here and there. It’s pretty fucking funny, looking back at it.

At approximately 0400, W1 was posted in front of Gate 6. W2 was posted inside the fence line opposite Gate A, to observe any traffic that might enter. W2observed a grey late-model GMC 2500 extended cab diesel pickup truck with a lift-kit enter through Gate A and proceed toward Gate 6. W2 proceeded immediately to Gate 6, and observed W1 make contact with S1. W2 remained nearby in case there was a problem. After approximately five (5) minutes, W1 called for W2 to approach.

Translation notes - ‘W’ means ‘Witness.’ I’m W2, and W1 is the other guard that I had working with me. ‘S’ stands for ‘Subject,’ and S1 is the douchebag that tried to kill us.

S1 was still in his truck, and was drinking from a Heinekin bottle. He appeared intoxicated, and asked several times what our names were, but continued to callW1 “Aaron,” vice “Tim.” S1 stated at that time that his name was “George,” although he was wearing a “COMPANY NAME REMOVED” uniform jacket with the name “Chris” embroidered on a patch on it. W1 and W2 both requested that he leave the premises at that time, but S1 ignored the requests and carried on with his own 8topic of conversation, asking W2 if he wanted to “slap bats.” When W1 and W2 did not know what that meant, S1 explained that it was a size comparison involving the external genitalia of all three individuals involved, and that he would offer a cash prize if it turned out that his external genitalia was smaller than W1 or W2’s. S1 stated that he was not, in fact, a homosexual, he just wanted W1 and W2 to know that their endowment was inferior to his own.

I’d never heard of this ’slapping bats’ thing before. I suspect that I’d be a happier person now if I still hadn’t heard of it. Anyway, names have been changed to protect the innocent. As for the guilty (or at least the retarded), well, fuck them.

 

W1 and W2 assured S1 that they were not interested in exposing themselves, and S1 began digging around in his lap, and produced a large quantity of money, stating that he would just give us the money, that there was no need even to do anything for it, he just would give W1 and W2 the money. S1 held a twenty (20) dollar bill out the window, telling W1 to look away so that W2 could take the money. S1 stated that it was more money than W1 and W2 together would make in two (2) hours. W2 declined repeatedly, and each time S1 added more money. Finally he dropped it on the ground outside the truck, stating that now it was just money on the ground, and that it would be just like W1 and W2 had found the money, rather than accepting the money. When neither W1 nor W2 would do anything with the money other than pick it up to hand it back to him, S1 offered W1 and W2 jobs working for him, simply “being honest.”

 

At this point, W1 and W2 asked him again to leave, which S1 again ignored. S1 informed W1 and W2 that his mother worked at the [LOCATION WE WERE SECURING]. He requested that W1 and W2 not tell his mother that he had been there, as she would “divorce” him. He then told an off-color joke about people from Arkansas, which included elements of incest, and stated that because he was so “fucked up” he wouldn’t remember this in the morning, but that W1 and W2 would think he was “the coolest motherfucker on the planet.”

Incidentally, the joke ran as follows: ‘If a man and woman in Arkansas get divorced, will they still be mother and son?’ I’d always heard this one as ‘will they still be brother and sister,’ and since he’d just been speaking about his mother, it does make me wonder what sort of relationship they have. I saw her yesterday at his court date, and she’s a fucking troll. Where he looks like a monkey, she looks like a greasy little bullfrog. I might hit it - right in the fucking mouth - but I sure as fuck wouldn’t have sex with it, no matter how desperate I was.

Mommy Dearest is a high-powered local lady who volunteers at the event that was being set up. She’s very well connected, and very wealthy. (She also appears to be incapable of raising children to be actual human beings, but that’s a whole separate matter.) She put a lot of pressure on the client to drop the charges, but since the client wasn’t actually pressing any charges for trespassing, there was nothing they could do about it. They did push pretty hard at our company to make us drop the charges, though. Quite unsuccessfully, I might add.

Also, it’s worth mentioning that this guy appears to be in his late thirties. It’s pretty pathetic when you’re that age and still worried about what your mommy will think about you … and it’s just as pathetic when you’re that age and your mommy still has to twist people’s arms to try and get you out of trouble.

S1 then got out of his truck, asking if he could use the restroom. W1 pointed him toward the portable restroom, but S1 simply went to the trash can and threw out his beer bottle. He handed W2 a yellow and black NEXTEL i530 cell phone and told him to call the police, proceeding to the rear of his vehicle to urinate on the ground. S1 asked W1 and W2 to look away, as he suffered from “performance anxiety.” After he finished, W2 handed him back his telephone. S1 then asked if W1 and W2 knew why he wanted them to call the police, stating that his wife was a dispatcher for the police and could take care of any problems we caused for him, and requested again that we not tell his mother, because his wife could not fix problems with his mother. S1 asked W1 and W2 why they were “rent-a-cops,” instead of “real” police officers, stating that his wife makes over fifty thousand (50,000) dollars per year as a dispatcher.

Hm. More of a mommy fixation … boy’s got problems.

 

S1 at this point asked how he could get a job with [NAME REMOVED] Security. W2 stated that it required a license to be a security officer, and S1 stated that he did not have a security license, but that he had other licenses, and pulled out his wallet and an LED flashlight, and began digging in his wallet, producing (among other things) an FAA-issued pilot’s license with his name misspelled, a green paper card from the DMV (possibly an address change card), an insurance coverage card and a business card from [NAME REMOVED] Automotive.

The pilot’s license was expired, also.

 

S1 continued to ignore repeated requests that he leave the property, and then went into one of the portable restrooms. When he came out, S1 continued to dig in his wallet. At this time (0429), W2 directed W1 to call the [CITY NAME REMOVED] Police Department. S1 became belligerent, and got back in his truck. He opened another bottle of what appeared to be beer, although in the lighting it was not possible to determine the brand. He repeatedly turned the truck on and off, revving the engine several times.

W1 handed the telephone to W2, to answer technical questions that the dispatcher was asking. W2 walked to a distance of approximately twenty meters away from the truck, answering the dispatcher’s questions. S1 appeared to be on the telephone himself at this time, and although neither W1 nor W2 could hear all the details of the conversation, some parts were audible, including “Who is this? (pause) Which dispatcher is this? (pause) Hey, yeah, this is Chris.” Following this, S1 revved his engine again, and yelled at W1 “you’d better get back inside your car before something bad happens to you.” (W2 heard S1 shout, but did not catch the words, as he was at that time speaking to the dispatcher.) W1 retreated away from S1’s vehicle, informing W2 of S1’s statement, and W1 passed this on to the dispatcher.

S1 at this time moved his vehicle, parking it parallel to Gate 6, between W1/W2 and the gate, revving his engine further, and rocking the truck back and forth by shifting from drive to reverse and back again. W1 and W2 attempted to retreat to the cover of the gate and W1’s vehicle, and S1 moved his truck to block their path. W1 and W2 attempted to run around the back side of his vehicle at a distance of approximately two and a half (2.5) meters while S1 had the truck in drive. S1 turned to look at W1 and W2 through the rear window the truck, and made eye contact with W2 as he threw the truck into reverse and firewalled the throttle. As the parking lot was made of dirt, he only succeeded in digging the tires into the ground. W1 and W2 dodged back into the parking lot. W1 and W2 made another attempt at retreat, this time feinting to the left, towards the front of the truck. W2 made eye contact with S1 again, and S1 firewalled his throttle again. S1’s vehicle dug a little further into the dirt, before his tires gained traction and the truck moved forward, with the wheel cut hard to the left. As the truck moved forward, directly towards W1 and W2, W1 and W2 dodged to the right and made it to the cover of W1’s vehicle and the gate, S1 backed his vehicle directly in front of W1’s car, and from a distance of approximately four (4) meters, again applied maximum throttle, sending a large shower of dirt and small stones onto W1’s vehicle, causing numerous scratches and pitting the windshield severely.

It’s worth noting at about this point that the parking lot was not, in fact, just dirt. I wasn’t aware of it at the time, but it’s actually hard-packed granite dust. The damage to the parking lot was serious enough that when they brought the front-end loader out the next day to fix it, they had to use almost nine cubic yards of granite dust to put it back to the way it was.

If it had been pavement or concrete instead, Tim and I would both be dead now, more than likely.

S1 pulled away briefly, swerving wildly around the dirt parking lot, before exiting the parking lot, heading north on [STREET NAME REMOVED] St. S1 went nearly as far as the [STREET NAME REMOVED] Ave. intersection, then turned around and came back to Gate A. It appeared at the time that he had re-entered the parking lot, but was actually running parallel to the fence line, but just outside it. He followed the fence to the far north end of the parking lot, and spun his vehicle several times. At that point, S1 retreated for the night. The police dispatcher requested that W2 attempt to follow S1, if possible, to maintain visual contact and provide vectors for police officers who were en route. W2 was not able to maintain visual contact, and was met at the intersection of [STREET NAME REMOVED] and [STREET NAME REMOVED] by [CITY NAME REMOVED] PD Officer S. [LAST NAME REMOVED], and told her that although it was possible that S1 had gone west on [STREET NAME REMOVED], W2 had seen lights in the [COMMUNITY NAME REMOVED] subdivision to the east, that were the right size and height to have been S1’s truck.

Officer S. [LAST NAME REMOVED] accompanied W2 back to Gate 6 to speak with W1 and take pictures of the tire tracks. She observed the urine spot on the ground, and was told of the Heinekin bottle in the trash can.

Officer Oliver informed W1 and W2 that an individual matching S1’s description had been arrested for DUI behind the wheel of a GMC Sierra 2500 in the [SUBDIVISION NAME REMOVED] area and requested that W1 or W2 accompany her to the scene for a field lineup. W2 accompanied her, and made a positive visual identification of S1 and his vehicle.

Returning to Gate 6, Officer [LAST NAME REMOVED] continued taking down notes and photographing the scene. At 0600, W1 and W2 were relieved by S/O [GUARD NAME REMOVED] and S/O [GUARD NAME REMOVED].

Anyway, yesterday he was finally all set up to have a preliminary hearing. Tim and I were both subpoenaed to appear as witnesses. Chris showed up with his mother.

He was charged with a whole bunch of shit. 2 counts of assault with a deadly weapon, DUI, public intox, indecent exposure, etc. Since January, he’s been maintaining his innocence, saying that he didn’t do anything wrong, and that he was going to fight it all the way up until the end. For him, the end came yesterday.

The judge made him an offer. He could cop a plea to the DUI and one count of assault with a deadly, and pay for the damage to Tim’s car, and he’d only wind up with one felony conviction, and he’d go to jail for up to a year in a county facility. The alternative was … slightly worse. See, he’s a habitual drunk driver. And add on two violent felony convictions … Well, California’s a ‘three strikes and you’re out’ state. That third strike and you’re looking at twenty-five to life. And the judge told him that, based on the evidence he’d seen, there was no way that a jury was going to do anything but convict, should it go to the jury.

Yeah. He took the plea.

Funniest part of it is that his mommy is more pissed at me and Tim than she is at him.