Butt sex hurts lady bloggers
Since 6th grade, my boyfriends have been wanting to stick it in my pooper. I’ll be the first to admit: I was a slutty adolescent. However, I reached no impossible level of sluttitude that my 13 year old pussy shouldn’t have been adequate, even for the most pencil dicked quarterback.
Let’s all just take a breath now, and shout WTF IS WRONG WITH MEN!?
I was 18 and stoned out my mind before I finally gave in. I was having a “maybe we can make it work this time” fling with an old boyfriend, at the home of my dead friend’s mom, and so high he may have well been a melting chocolate monkey.
It was good. It was damn good. I think it was in my butt, and it didn’t hurt. Looking back, it very well could have been in my eye and it wouldn’t have hurt. Ahhh, drugs. I love me some drugs. We broke up shortly after, but long after the keymarks on the hood of his Camaro were sanded and painted, I still remembered the feeling.
An ex- husband and 2 boyfriends later, I sought to reclaim this ecstasy. He told me it was not a good idea. I said I wanted to. He obeyed. We didn’t get very far.
BUTTSEX HURTS!
Then, I had this brilliant idea:
Let’s do it “normally”, but when I get really into it, before I girl-jizz, you pull out and slide right in. It’ll be great. I won’t be all tense. Trust me. He told me it was a very bad idea. I said I wanted to. He obeyed. He got kicked in the head. Hard. Better luck next time, dude.
So how the hell do you do it?
I know some of our readers are assfuck fiends, so I expect plenty of helpful comments.
(This means you, Leaky, Note, Stiletto, Deviant)
-bagel
He’s supposed to punch the back of your neck as he’s sliding in, jesus don’t you girls know how to do anything?
Ah, the donkey punch maneuver. My mom recommended that, but she didn’t really explain it. Please, expound.
me: anal sex is much more complicated than vaginal sex
you can’t just pop it in
you need patience and the blood of a jewish baby to lube up the penis
very very complex
bagelofeverything: you should go back and say that
will make for interesting google searches
me: nooooO
bagelofeverything: hrm, i remember hearing something about copy/paste
is it true that you can copy text from one place, like a chat window
bagelofeverything: and paste it into soemthing else, like an edit comments window?
me: k hold on
IT WORKED!
cute, but that doesn’t do a thing to help my ass, ass.
gtfomi
I hear there needs to be a full moon and you must exfoliate the cavity prior to the deed. That can’t be good.
Aba: See my previous comment. plzkthx
WELL. I tell ya, BOE, am I glad to have been clued in that you were a woman before this post. Because that first sentenced would have severely mind fucked me.
Now, back to your end of things. How to help one’s ass so they can engage in deviant sexual behavior without resorting to getting blitzed beforehand? I think you need the proper lubricant and toy to loosen things up a bit. Maybe this too:
http://shop.libida.com/shop/anal_douche.asp
It even glows in the darK! Although I’m not sure why that matters.
Hey why don’t you start a new meme? You know — tagging people’s asses - I doubt they would answer or admit but worth a try. Uh, nice ribbon, by the way.
Oh, how funny! I just caught my name above that picture. Oh you know us all too well!
http://content.libida.com/tips/page.aspx?id=f3980e8e-49d0-41cf-9ce6-00bee03ac2f3
More tips for you. Gee, do you have to be such a pain in the - oh never mind.
‘tagging people’s asses?’
As in ‘I’d tag that ass?’
Thanks for the links Stiletto!
I guess it was the best advice available, but the thing is, I know all that stuff.
Rationally, I should totally be able to handle it. I’m smart and I can handle pain at an acceptable level.
But I just can’t do it, damnit!
I can accept a finger, even 2. But when the penis tries to enter, the little ring closes the hell up. It’s more like being stabbed with a baseball bat than an orifice being stretched.
My vagina is abnormally tight as well, I think something might be wrong with me.
“that first sentenced would have severely mind fucked me.”
I thought of that as I was writing, and laughed my fool head off!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Jesse! Where the fuck have you been?
Ha! We got us a Navy man now, he’ll know what to do!
Whoa! Now that my friends is TMI!
My former best guy pal discovered his homo roots in the Navy. Actually I love that song In the Navy by The Village People.
http://www.worldfolksong.com/anthem/lyrics02/pat/navy.htm
“In the Navy” is a 1979 hit song by Village People. The music video for the song was shot with the help of the United States Navy. The Navy actually intended to use the song in promotional advertising until protests erupted over using taxpayer money for a music video of a dubious group”
I never knew that!
Fascinating, isn’t it? I mean, I thought I was the only one who wasn’t clued in to the fact that the Village People were, uh, extra HAPPY!
Well, they say ‘it ain’t gay if you’re underway,’ but I personally wouldn’t know. I’ve never experienced the dubious pleasure of receiving, myself.
I know my ex wife hated it, though. And, this may or may not make me a bad person, but I hated her enough that knowing how much she hated it made me enjoy doing it to her that much more, on those rare occasions she got drunk enough to agree to it. :P
Jesse: I always thought it was “it ain’t gay if youre under whey”.
I could never figure out what dairy protein had to do with it. Makes alot more sense now, thanks ;b
Also, that doesn’t make you a bad person. I mean, it would, if you weren’t already a bad person. It just makes you a worse person.
Shall I add it to my list of reasons Jesse is going to hell?
Feel free!
I’ll see you there, I’m sure. I’m sure that we’ll be both tormented by my ex-wife, too … it’s for certain that she’s a demon of some variety, just set loose upon the Earth for a while to wreak her havoc.
Seriously - she’s evil on a Biblical scale.
[...] Outwardly, the casino is absolutely beautiful. It truly is a luxurious establishment. I’ve spent a (fortunately free) weekend at their hotel before, and it was astoundingly wonderful. I’ve never stayed in a nicer suite. Even the gaming floor is fantastic, even though the slot machines are tighter than Bagel’s asshole. [...]
Nice pingback, Jesse
Yeah. Um.
Just so you know, WATERWORLD FUCKING SUCKS, Bagel. It was the LOWEST fucking point in Kevin Costner’s already mediocre career.
So, yeah. Anyway. :D
Watching Waterworld is better than getting munched by a toothless hooker!
Ok, maybe not, but it’s a damn good film!
You suffer from delusions of good taste.
ewe…did you just say I’m tasty?
perv!
I’m feeling sexually harassed. This has become a hostile work environment.
Okay, in reading the comments (both about anal sex and the Navy), I can weigh in on both.
First, I am a guy.
Second, while I’ve never desired to have butt sex with a girl, I did, indeed, have a girl take a strap-on to me, and we did, indeed, have buttsex. I was (a) extremely drunk, and (b) extremely horny, and she was (c) extremely insistent that we would do anything I asked sexually if we did the whole “strap on” thing. Naturally, I agreed — on the condition that what I wanted to do was done before we did what she wanted to do. Call me stupid, but the thought of having a strap-on dildo on my butt without first having made sure I was going to get my fetish taken care of was just not going to cut it.
I spent four years in the Navy. It was on the U.S.S. JOHN F. KENNEDY (CV-67) that one of the members of my ASW Module (Anti-Submarine Warfare) told me that he had a crush on me and might possibly be in love with me. I told him that (a) I was tremendously flattered and (b) tremendously not even vaguely interested in pursuing anything further.
The Navy does seem to bring out some strange characters.
“The Navy does seem to bring out some strange characters.”
Not unlike blogs :)
So…how did you manage to accept the package? I just..CANT
Well, dude, if you were on Big John, you were used to getting fucked in the ass, especially come INSURV time.
Wow.
Were you there when she was officially deemed unsafe to go to sea?
Bagel, there was a lot of lubrication involved, and there was also an incredible amount of “butt-unclenching.” The human body naturally rejects anything going into that opening and tries to shut it out.
Jesse, I had gotten out a couple of years before — back when she was actually unsafe but it wasn’t “official.” Anyone who had to eat the midnight gaggies on board would have known there were serious problems on that baby.
And, for the record, my wife, Brianna, has told me that if I ever even remotely think about doing anything in the backyard area when we’re doing it, I’m going to be fishing for “Little Richard” out of the dog’s food bowl.
I spent a couple years - ‘99-’01 onboard one of the ships in JFKBATGRU.
Fun and games, let me tell you. I always enjoyed being Officer of the Deck during plane guard ops … wondering if JFK would actually let us know about the next 180 degree course change before she did it … that sort of thing.
Fortunately, she was almost never actually able to get to sea, so it usually worked out in the end.
Jesse, some of the officers I worked with in Flight Ops during ASW maneuvers were amazing. Our Lieutenant Commander would always tells us, “I was a goddamned manager at Wal-Mart for five years. I know what the hell I’m doing here!” Makes you feel secure, doesn’t it?
High Pressure Steam + Retard = Lots-o-Fun!
Been there, done that, got the Navy Com for it. :P
I might regret later documenting this, but first you have to be really turned on. Lots of oral and finger action. When it is time, just relax and sort of push out. Get it in and stop for a sec-just long enough for you to become acclimated to it being in there. Then you move until you are nearly crazy. At that point he can go at it.
/love butt sex but hubby would die if he knew I said so publicly.
Thanks Richard, Miche, and everyone. Great advice!
Now to get “relaxed” enough to try it…
Mlle Bagel:
“With patience and plenty of saliva the elephant deflowered the mosquito.”
Everything you’ve described above suggests “rushed” to me. Rushing the job isn’t just painful, it’s dangerous. You can rupture stuff that can’t be fixed, prolapse yourself (you don’t want to know), and worse–like “potentially fatal” worse.
That said, there’s no reason you shouldn’t safely enjoy it, done right.
Slow-going, thorough exploration with a gallon of lube will benefit both you and your partner. Anal sex can be painful for the guy as well–even if he isn’t getting kicked in the head.
Dan Savage of Savage Love is fond of Toys in Babeland, which has a handy “How-To” section, including this.
I’m sure I don’t need to say “condoms, condoms, condoms, condoms, condoms”.
And remember, if it feels dirty, perverse, and disgusting then you’re probably doing it right.
My 2¢, special today 100% off and worth, at most, half of that.
This topic has really brought out the beast in everyone.
Awesome, metro! I do admit I’m not a patient one. I kinda wondered if it hurt the giver as well. Tho I knew if I ever asked, I’d be told “lets try it and ill tell you!”
Stiletto: Thanks for sending some of your peeps our way, my platonicly lovely friend.
i was going to comment, but I fear increasing the level of depravity will only encourage you.
Sorry :(
[...] a live and let live kind of Bagel, and I love me some drugs, but damn. That’s just [...]
[...] [safer] alternative would be to get hitched to an anal loving freak. case in point here even if it’s a woman but it’s inspired me to find a male equivalent. maybe she’d [...]
Thx for the link, Fangel.
Let’s talk about meeeee some more, ok?
Oh yea, the ketchup bottle treatment.
Bagel ? Didnt we have this conversation yesterday ?
And you said you would return the banana, unwashed.
The banana was for sex? I thought it was a hygiene thing
The bumper sticker that says “honk if you’re horny” was supposed to handle that.
Fuck man ! At least peel it when you’re done.
As a journeyman in my sexual adolesence , along with being up for 3 days on crank. A lady and I went anal and then pie wise and then anal and…
The doctor said the rash was called “honeymooners disease”
Be careful with the switcharoos
Front to back - hot in the sack
Back to front - good fucking luck!
Look! I’m a poet!
Bananalinguist ?
Who you callin ‘banal’ ?
Hey, you brought up the sticker fruit thing. I was just trying to help.
Unless you have another useless orifice.
Um, no. You brought it up. YOU YOU YOU! It was all you.
You’ve corrupted me.
Next thing you know, I’ll be posting hardcore gay hamster porn.
Hamsters like bananas.
I was just watching the Flying Nun do a Boniava commercial. She said she needed strong healthy bones and I thought about Bagel.
[...] posts: Butt sex hurts lady bloggers - Confessions of a pizza delivery girl - Anorexia: A foolproof [...]
[...] Butt stimulate hurts Mohammedan bloggers Ration RealitySince 6th grade, my boyfriends hit been wanting to follow it in my pooper. I ll be the prototypal to admit: I was a slutty adolescent. However, I reached no impracticable take of [...]
I let the above spammer through, with link removed, cuz I love me some extreme double reverse translation. It should be an olympic sport.
Not one person gave you a decent answer. My girl loves buttsex. I wouldn’t want to marry some prude who refused to take it in the pooper.
I think you can thank me for this post by explaining in detail just how exactly to get her to give me more frequent and protracted blowjobs.
Before you attempt buttsex-
Make sure you really clear out your bowels first.
Treat yourself to some Metamucil or prune juice the night before.
Smoke a cigarette in the morning while drinking your coffee black.
Go in the bathroom and make a thorough crap in the commode.
Wipe. Flush.
Get your stinky butt in the shower,
and when you finish the washing routine,
say a little prayer and squat.
Hold your breath and Stick your finger up your butt,
and make extra damn sure all the little poop particles have been cleaned completely out.
You can also wiggle your finger around enough right here to get fired up about the impending sodomy event you so crave.
This paves the way for a brave, bold and intrepid penile pioneer of your previously almost-virginal poopchute.
Make sure you have some ‘Lube- any water soluble brand like K-Y should work fine.
Lube your anus thoroughly, or let your partner do it (oh, so gently) You can help getting the prick hard right here by applying an extra glob of lube to that thing and giving it some special caresses.
Cooing sounds and encouraging soft talk is optional, but helps.
You are now totally ready for a good old fashioned ass-reaming.
Let him pop just the head in and then hold it for a moment while you relax.
Don’t try this with a 17 year old boy because he will just give you the ‘Brown Banana’ And Drive that Sucker home to the hilt when you least expect it.
Like, anytime you are on your knees doggy style and expecting a stiff one in the Vaj.
Anyway, get him to gently push it in a quarter inch or so at a time while you relax. Take your time. After all this preparation, you want to enjoy it and the anticipation should just serve to heighten your enjoyment.
After a few minutes your caboose should be so loose that he won’t really feel it anymore and before he can come you will want to put a lip lock on the snotty end of his fuck-stick and slurp up all the mingled baby sauce.
Don’t worry, the chances of getting pregnant from Ass-to-mouth are slim.
You may prefer wiping the excess slime on a hand towel and straddling that cock like an equestrienne on a mission, meow meow. I don’t really recommend the ATM.
You might also videotape the entire sequence of events for posterity, and post it on the internet. Be sure to credit me, or at least cry out my name during the fun parts.
Let me know how things turn out!
Whoa. Thanks.
Going to take me a while to digest that.
I’ll get back to ya.
As for getting her to give head: Keep that thing clean! Women are more sensitive to smells than men, and our sex drive is closely connected the the olfactory.
I make my man use mint body wash…makes his cock taste like spearmint gum. Yves Rocher makes a good one.
Also, stay away from stinky foods like garlic & onion. The stank excretes through your pores and jizz for days after eating them. If you must consume them, make sure she eats them too.