How to be: A MySpace / Facebook Stalker
There was a time when being a pervert or obsessed psychopath entailed a whole lot of work like timing school bus schedules, constantly dry-cleaning floor-length overcoats and obtaining chloroform without attracting suspicion. Now, modern technology has intervened, making stalking easier and more fun than ever. Like to get in on the bug-eyed, clenched teeth fun? Just follow these steps, you psycho-fuckin’-path!
Step 1. Make a profile for yourself on MyStalk, Macebook or any other Antisocial Networking Site–it doesn’t really matter which. Chances are there will be plenty of fun, interesting people to get all delusional about! In all likelihood, your bulging, bloodshot eyes, your male pattern baldness, your minimum-wage, part-time job and residence above your parents’ garage will not attract too many friends, so it may be necessary to “smooth” your identity into something more palatable, like a race-car driver, model or 15-year-old boy.
Step 2. Now make several more profiles. You can find many photos of “yourself” for these profiles on the web, but if all else fails, you could always “borrow” some from your neighbor’s photo album when they’re working in the garden. Remember, having 4 extra profiles on your crush’s friends list is like having 5 times the love!
Step 3. Get acquainted with the lover that’s so secret even she doesn’t know about it! Find out about what her likes and dislikes are and such. When you feel like you have made a connection, you should make plans to meet in real life. For the other person’s peace of mind, always suggest meeting in a “public” place, like the rail yard or your car (okay, your parents’ car, but you don’t have to let her know about that).
Step 4. Before the water-draggin’ fun begins, it is important not to neglect this next step: GET YOURSELF SOME FUCKING HELP, YOU MOTHERFUCKING SICKO! YOU’RE NOT RIGHT, OKAY? YOU NEED TO GET A FUCKING GRIP, ALRIGHT? If you don’t do it for me, do it for the 5 or 6 bodies buried under your freshly-surfaced driveway! If your “help” comes in the form of a 12-guage barrel in your mouth…well, there are all kinds of unorthodox treatments out there. You never know which one might work best for you. Have fun!
-Soylent Ape
I don’t think I have a myspace stalker so to speak..a LOT of gay guys though. A girl that’s a friend
Of mine though finally took down her page because she recived so many friend requests from Guys on mars & such.
Superhero
July 11, 2007 at 12:34 pm
OMG, I love love love that picture, and I’m pretty sure I worked with that guy in Arkansas. :) Love you guys, keep up the great work!
candybuttons
July 11, 2007 at 1:41 pm
Ha…you mean you’re NOT supposed to stalk peeps on myspace or facebook? My bad!
Kinda funny how Match.com has those “voyeur” ads all over MySpace though…only adds to the “stalking” persona…
Oh and I was told by my 21 yr old sister that FaceBook was only for “current college students” and “Recent graduates”…so I guess my profile doesn’t really belong there…hmm…what did they say about stalking young’ens?? :)
WhatPushesMyButtons
July 11, 2007 at 8:10 pm
I gotta agree with WPMB. It seems to me that MySpace winks at some forms of stalking. The Match.com ads may have been produced with MySpace in mind. “It’s okay to Look(TM)” is the stalker’s mantra.
That stuff about Facebook being for “current college students” or “recent graduates” is complete horseshit, my friend. Oh, it may have been intended for that purpose, but it’s obviously moved beyond that now. I know 45 year-olds, heavy metal bands, even companies that have profiles on Facebook!
Thanks for reading, …Buttons. You have a great blog!
Soylent Ape
July 11, 2007 at 11:03 pm
“In all likelihood, your bulging, bloodshot eyes, your male pattern baldness, your minimum-wage, part-time job and residence above your parents’ garage will not attract too many friends, so it may be necessary to “smooth” your identity into something more palatable, like a race-car driver, model or 15-year-old boy. ”
Hee hee hee funniest thing I’ve read all morning.
Stiletto
July 12, 2007 at 7:01 am
Gracias, Stiletto!
Soylent Ape
July 12, 2007 at 8:14 am
Probably should have told you it was also the first thing I read all morning…
Stiletto
July 12, 2007 at 11:41 am
I’ll take it, anyway.
Soylent Ape
July 13, 2007 at 5:56 am
[...] See also: How to be: A MySpace / Facebook Stalker [...]
Making MySpace useful « Ration Reality
August 1, 2007 at 11:36 pm
“water-draggin’ fun”
This piece is brilliance personified.
stepher
August 2, 2007 at 8:46 pm
Thanks, Stepher!
Soylent Ape
August 2, 2007 at 8:48 pm
“a race-car driver, model or 15-year-old boy.”
I have like 8 of those on my list. Soy? That you?
bagel of everything
August 24, 2007 at 5:11 pm
Umm, I’m sorry, Bagel. I can’t hear a word you say.
Soylent Ape
September 3, 2007 at 9:28 pm