Ration Reality

Hail Seitan!

Posted in Seattle, diet, food, humor, nutrition, product, seitan, vegan by jody eugenius wilson on June 23rd, 2007

Today we’re going to talk about two delicious treats that have made me fat and happy, like Wellbutrin.

First up: Seitan. Pronounced say-tahn, this remarkable and effing bizarre food stuff is made up mostly of compressed wheat protein. This is achieved by “washing” flour which gets rid of all the pesky starch… have I lost you yet? I know, sounds grosser than gross but I swears that this shit is the real deal. Once the starch is rinsed away you knead it up nice and well, compressed and season it however the fuck you want. Then you can shape it into whatever you want, transform it like Manimal or… Mystique.

 

 

The best part? It’s not even that good for you. Especially when you fry it in the essence of deep fried lard. Cooked in a less audacious fashion, it strongly resembles the type of Kebab meat you would find on a Gyro (YEE-RO). Fried until crispy it’s the same… except fried and crispy.

I know, you’re skeptical. I was too. Until I discovered that meat was killing me and I had to 86 it from my diet or die screaming on the toilet. Satan’s Seitan saved this dirty Jew from a porcelain torture chamber, a tiled, fruity soap scented Abu Ghraib if you will. When it comes to soothing the tortured, no other meat substitute will do. 

The best place in my city to get some hot, delicious Seitan is a little cafe right by 15th and Thomas called The Hillside Quickie. The staff is so fucking adorable that I have to stab them sometimes. The owner is as sweet as her vegan pie and the menu contains a vast array of sandwiches, all of them vegan.

Many of you are thinking “Who the fuck is this guy? What dungeon do you have our beloved Jody trapped in?” but I assure you, if you know me you know how picky I am and I swear on everything I hold holy, this place is amazing. .. go there now. Now, I said!

Okay fine, read the rest of this and comment profusely and send me money… then go to The Hillside Quickie. I hear there’s one in the University District but if you’re like me and you are filled with hate, don’t go within ten miles of that fucking area. Filled to the rim with brim it is… and by brim I mean dirty ass hippies. But I digress.

umm, er… oh yeah,

PANCAKES AND SAUSAGE ON A MOTHERFUCKING STICK!!!

This is the pinnacle of human civilization. These are the end days. Something this delicious has got to be bad… and a bad sign.

Eat up before the apocalypse!

ps- they come in chocolate chip now!

Simply irresistible.

Beside You In Time,

J. Eugene Wilson

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21 Responses to 'Hail Seitan!'

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  1. bagel of everything said, on June 23rd, 2007 at 3:58 pm

    I love seitan. I get it in cans from the oriental market. Vegetarian Duck is the tastiest. It has a texture comparable to fatty meat, but without the tummy ouches.

  2. lauriekendrick said, on June 23rd, 2007 at 5:08 pm

    I worship Seiten. I season it with Rosemary(’s baby) and find it absolutely bewitching with Deviled eggs.

    However, my body is still acclammating to my new starch free jones. Seiten give me loose(ifer) bowels somethin’ awful!

    I know..I suck.
    LK

  3. Stona Lisa said, on June 23rd, 2007 at 6:08 pm

    No Fair….I already read this one… :-( Just teasing-I’ll get over it!

  4. bagel of everything said, on June 23rd, 2007 at 6:22 pm

    @Stona: Jody is a blog traitor! Shall we lynch him?

  5. Frontier Former Editor said, on June 23rd, 2007 at 9:27 pm

    Hmmm, this stuff has potential. Come to think of it, that’s what J. Robert Oppenheimer said about that yellowish, glow-in-the-dark stuff . . . .

  6. PressPosts / User / Strusiek_16 / Submitted said, on June 23rd, 2007 at 11:31 pm

    http://pressposts.com/Politics/Hail-Seitan/

    Submited post on PressPosts.com - “Hail Seitan!”

  7. bagel of everything said, on June 24th, 2007 at 1:58 am

    Awesome! Looks like we got pressed!
    Go vote here:
    http://pressposts.com/Politics/Hail-Seitan/

    Thanks, Strusiek_16!

  8. jody eugenius wilson said, on June 24th, 2007 at 2:49 am

    I’ve decided that in honor of Laurie Kendrick we should make next weekend We’re Proud of Laurie weekend. We’ll have cupcakes and jam and dance around pretty floats that look like Laurie, or, umm, Peter Lorrie and scream to the heavens, “LAURIE!!!”. Then we’ll nap. On opium.

  9. Danielle said, on June 24th, 2007 at 2:54 am

    Seitan is easily the best non-meat meat that I’ve ever had.

    And I love pancakes and sausage on a stick more than is legal in some states.

  10. lauriekendrick said, on June 24th, 2007 at 7:51 am

    Jody,

    I’m flattered but please, don’t go to all that trouble. Just name your first born after me or better yet, have a vasectomy while clutching my likeness.

    I do like the “napping on opium” pat however. Have hookah, will travel.

    Always remember, when it came to Emmy’s, Larry Storch was ROBBED!

    Indubitably,
    Laurie Kendrick

  11. Stona Lisa said, on June 24th, 2007 at 9:59 am

    @HeadBitch BAGEL….I say throw him to the Chick who has “the Jack” !

  12. Stona Lisa said, on June 24th, 2007 at 10:02 am

    I tried to vote, but it didnt do anything….do you have to register or something? it didnt lead me anywhere to do so….

  13. Frontier Former Editor said, on June 24th, 2007 at 11:51 am

    Man, I forgot the subtleties in Agarn’s character! Especially when he contracts with the Indians to turn bottles into binoculars and when he gave Forrest Tucker that look of frustration and general intellectual impotence.

  14. Bagel of Everything said, on June 27th, 2007 at 1:02 am

    I do love Seitan, and pancakes and sausage on a stick…but I draw the line at chocolate chips added to either.
    That’s just indecent.

  15. jody eugenius wilson said, on June 27th, 2007 at 1:40 am

    Jungle love! Yeah! Oh-wee-oh-wee-oh!

  16. Stona Lisa said, on June 27th, 2007 at 8:39 am

    I found said Sausage Pancakes on a stick and they ROCK! my kids loved em too…just thought id say…

  17. Soylent Ape said, on June 29th, 2007 at 7:25 pm

    Chocolate chip sausage pancakes on a stick? I can’t imagine how someone could like that. BTW, if there’s a foodstuff that’s more treyf, I’ve never seen it!

  18. jody eugenius wilson said, on June 30th, 2007 at 12:38 am

    What the fuck’s a treyf? Did I just date myself? I don’t give a fuck. Tell me.

  19. Bagel of Everything said, on June 30th, 2007 at 1:02 am

    Jewdy Watley:
    How could you not know this? You’re like the worst kosher ever!
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trafe

    Food not in accord with Jewish law is termed treif, trafe (Yiddish: טרייף from טְרֵפָה ṭərēp̄āh, “torn”); the Hebrew term refers to animals (from a kosher species such as cattle or sheep) which had been either incorrectly slaughtered or mortally wounded by wild beasts and therefore were not fit for human consumption. Sometimes, non-kosher food in general may be dismissed with the colloquial term chazir-treif, which literally means “as unfit as pork”, the pig having become perhaps the most notable symbol of the non-kosher animal.

    (Can’t wait to see what searches google sends to us over that)

  20. jody eugenius wilson said, on June 30th, 2007 at 2:18 am

    “You people” are making this shit up. You’ve fooled me once, you’ll never fool me again.

  21. Dieting Doggie Style « Ration Reality said, on March 19th, 2008 at 3:04 am

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