How to be White Trash
It’s the sensation that’s sweeping the nation (or parts of it, at least): the stained t-shirt wearing, jacked-up car driving, devil horn throwing, zoning board defying mass-hysteria known as the White Trash Movement. Lemmy Kilmister once said of his band, Mötörhead, that, if they moved into the home next to you, your lawn would shrivel up. In this sense Mötörhead represents the counter-cultural aesthetic that defines White Trash. Much like the hippie-losers and anarchist squatters before them, members of the White Trash Nation are rejecting the values of our society-at-large. You can give the establishment the calloused, 10w-30-stained finger in these 4 easy steps:
Step 1. The first step in becoming white trash requires one to first attain a Zen-like awareness of what one’s prevailing culture is before being able to cast it aside. In other words, one must know what it is we reject before one can then reject it. Go to your local mall, a casual dining chain restaurant, a first-run cineplex. Notice how the people you observe dress, speak and conduct themselves on the whole. These are the societal standards you are about to cast aside. Living in a rural, economically-depressed area like the American South, Central Jersey and all of Maine will often make it easier to throw off the societal shackles.
Step 2. In order to become white trash, one must be prepared to realign one’s perspectives. As a member of the White Trash Movement, one will forever after be living according to new standards of personal aesthetics, decorum, finance and even hygiene. Corn dogs will become your Caesar salad, Vegas will become your Paris, Milwaukee’s Best will become your Amstel Light, Lake Meade or Myrtle Beach will become your St. Croix and Judas Priest will become your John Mayer. Your khakis and Polo shirts will be replaced by denim and Dickies t-shirts in short order.
Step 3. Once you have begun to realign your cultural chakras, it will become imperative to live according to them. One must reconcile oneself to the absurdity of living in a $25,000 home with a $45, 000 speed boat parked in its driveway or purchasing an entire car for the purpose of replacing a single part on your own. Don’t think twice about taking a cell-phone call in your local dollar cinema or taking your shirt off at a football game. Once you have bought the concept, then you must own it!
Step 4. Stay strong in the white trash ways. Leave that engine-less El Camino out on your lawn (after all, it is a classic) and wad up the zoning board notices that accumulate on your screen door knob. Remember why you became white trash in the first place. Yours is a noble cause. You are striking a blow for gas station cuisine, for creating pharmaceuticals in a bathroom from batteries and for the future of screaming babies in Shoney’s restaurants everywhere. Godspeed!
Soylent Ape lives in Winston-Salem, N.C.. ‘Nuff said!
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Ah, the subject of white trash, so near and dear to my heart. My old man, he’s the guy – THE GUY – that personally keeps Coors Light and NASCAR in business.
I come from a thousand proud generations of white trash ancestry. I can only hope I carry on their traditions in the finest manner possible.
Oh: and you are SO right about Maine. You wouldn’t think it, but driving through the backcountry of Maine and, say, Mississippi is pretty much the same. Biggest difference is that the cars on blocks in Mississippi are 1970’s Fords and Chevy’s, and in MAine they’re 1970’s Saabs and Volvos.
Jesse Custer
June 21, 2007 at 10:15 am
Most people don’t think about there being “rednecks” anywhere outside the South and parts of the Western States. The truth is that New England and the Upper Midwest are full of them, too! In fact, you have variations all over the world, like “Chavs” and “Scangers” in the UK, “lumpen” in Germany and other parts of Northern Europe and “Bogans” in Australia/N. Z.. There’s a whole WORLD of sub-proletariats out there. Be proud of your White Trash heritage!
Soylent Ape
June 21, 2007 at 6:20 pm
Pump n munch is white trash classic. My favorite lighter for working with realigning my white trash chakras when smoking bong happens to be Kum n Go, an Iowa specialty.
insideout
June 22, 2007 at 9:27 am
Don’t forget the time honored tradition of insanely retarded racist remarks… “The Blacks made Limbaugh take all those drugs!”… “Jews control all the Krispy Kremes!”… “Gay people are poisoning the ground water with their jizz dookie!”…
… I actually just grossed myself out. Nap time!
jody eugenius wilson
June 22, 2007 at 5:51 pm
heh … ‘do you know what the queers are doing to the soil?’
Jesse Custer
June 22, 2007 at 6:10 pm
@ Jody: I am where “bubbe” and “Bubba” intersect. My truck is a decade old and beat-the-fuck-up, I eat garbage food, I haven’t worn khakis since my mom was dressing me,etc…
You’re right about there being some bigotry in some corners of this socio-economic construct, but that’s becoming more irrelevant all the time. As the middle class gets further marginalized, more diversity is injected into the wage -slave classification. I know gays, Catholics, atheists, college grads and immigrants who consider themselves “white trash”. I could even introduce you to some blacks and Hispanics who live this way.
Soylent Ape
June 23, 2007 at 4:01 am
@insideout: I hadn’t heard of Kum n Go before, but I checked ‘em out. They have a line of clothing with their logo on it, obviously aimed at high-school/college kids who are still amused by anything with the word “kum” in it.
Soylent Ape
June 25, 2007 at 6:23 am
No shit, they really do have merchandise!
I wish to have the Black Kum & Go T-shirt please.
Bagel of Everything
July 3, 2007 at 7:25 am
Think of the marketing possibilities of a double entendre-themed convenience chain: the “Pull-Out” pay at pump service, the “Blowjob” complementary air compressor, the “Eat’n'Out” snack bar. The list could go on and on…
Soylent Ape
July 4, 2007 at 2:15 pm
Don’t forget Harris Teeter supermarket, and Huff’s gas station (actual places)
Bagel of Everything
July 5, 2007 at 5:53 am
Ya gotta love a Gas Station Chain called “Huff’s”. That’s just bee-yewtiful! I always think about that movie Love, Liza when I drive past one!
Soylent Ape
July 6, 2007 at 8:29 pm
When I watched Love Liza, the dvd gave out right at the end when they were going to read the damn letter. !@$!#@$$!
bagel of everything
July 10, 2007 at 8:11 pm
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November 2, 2007 at 11:39 am
Jedi White Trash Master, I am not worthy. I could never excell to such…standards. And for this, I am filled with white, hot shame.
Sissy
November 4, 2007 at 11:22 pm
@ Sissy: Don’t give up so easily. Remember: Zen.
Also, “white trash” is a state of mind. Most people wouldn’t call me “white trash”, but I identify with the term. It’s not like being black or smart or Andreas Segovia. The qualification is ambiguous and subjective. If you want to be white trash, you are!
Soylent Ape
November 5, 2007 at 2:03 am
There are steps to becoming white trash? I thought it was hereditary.
Cody
November 5, 2007 at 5:08 am
The first step…is admitting you have a problem.
Soylent Ape
November 5, 2007 at 6:17 am
My brother swears we are half white trash. I refuse to believe it.
Stiletto
November 5, 2007 at 8:23 am
S.A. – You read The Secret, didn’t you? Wax on. Wax off.
Sissy
November 5, 2007 at 8:32 am