From Milk to Milf Lickity-Split
This entry generously donated by my good friend, Bakes™. I kept his original layout as best I could. WordPress has a way of fuxing with format.
Ya’ll go visit him, ya hear?
-Bagel
Yesterday on my lunch hour, I pulled in to my favorite full-service gas station for a fill-up because I’m lazy. It’s my favorite because they employ the Sam Farha of gas-pumpers - a kind man patrolling the island with an unlit smoke dangling from his snout.
“I’ll see your ten gallons of unleaded and raise you to super octane.”
I’m hanging patiently during the gas-up when the attendant - sporting the trademark Marb - taps onto my window. I look up to his hand pointed in the direction of a girl who’s strutting the catwalk to her car at the other end of the pumps. Golden highlights. Oversized sunglasses. Tight low-cut top teeming with breast. Extra tight capris. Two-inch heels. Quite the little succubus.
She obviously placed well on the Gasoline Boner Index (GBI), as in essence Mr. Farha’s pump went from this:
When my receipt was handed to me, this guy with stains all over him told me that he has the best job on Earth.
“I see stuff like that, and I feel old and dirty”, he added. “I’m not complaining!”
“It’s the milk these days”, I shot back while noticing that the girl had an extremely young face. Indeed she was maybe 16, and the car was being driven by her mother.
They can tell us all day long about how the rBGH that’s given to cows doesn’t speed up puberty, but I’ll remain skeptical. All I know is that not too long ago, it was relatively easy to tell the difference between a 16-year old girl and one of legal drinking age. The line seems to blur around age fifteen now. It’s maddening, and I’m almost fearful of having a daughter someday.
Certainly Booger would have met better eye-candy “combing the high schools” in current times.
It’s hard to blame this entirely on milk when we’ve seen teen idols rise from Mouseketeer status by flaunting their T&A, partying hardily, and swerving into rehab.
I’d be a fucking mess too if I had to listen to K-Fed’s cacophonic CD.
However, I’ll be happy to argue that this social behavior from some of these former teen idols is because they’re all proven milk drinkers!
From milk to milf lickity-split, right Brit?
Taking it back to 9th grade math logic, the law of syllogism is a proof that stated:
If (p implies q) and (q implies r) then (p implies r).
In symbolic terms, (p->q)^(q->r)->(p->r)
If we use p=hormones bleed into milk, q=teen idols drink milk and go fucking bonkers with sex, drugs, and booze, and r=children of America follow their lead:
It is then correct to say that it’s the milk that makes today’s children take blow into a Texas day care, and increase their consumption of booze as pre-teens.
Remember: p–>r.
But as usual, I digress into mathematical semantics.
This whole rant stems from the physical enhancements that seem to adorn today’s teens, and how they display them.
“Grab a hose and come get some!”
Science improves and evolves over time, and you have to think that long-struggling farmers evade the financial pinch when their cows are flowing incessantly. BGH gets the moo-juice flowing. Maybe it’s our capitalistic society that has necessitated this turbo-charged white stuff.
Obviously, it wasn’t always like this.
Using Annette Funicello as a case study, the milk in her day was bland and boring.
She may have blown Walt, but that was it!
She took her party to the beach, and kept it clean with tasteful bikinis and wholesome fun. We never saw crazy shit from Annette when her Disney days were through.
Fast forward to the Milk Generation…
I blurred out the mudflap. It’s the act in question, not the mess beneath the clothing.
Come to think of it, we never saw grown men on the interweb looking to raise money to get rid of their manboobs either. Gynecomastia is definitely an unfortunate situation for the guy, and I’d probably be thought of as an asshole if I asked him if he drank alot of milk as a kid.
I’m sensitive to this subject, as someone close to me suffered through a pituitary tumor and the onset of subsequent female amenities. I’m just saying…
It’s hard to determine when the milk started to effect young America, but there has to be data out there that can help pinpoint when the new and improved milk started to produce thirstier sex drives at younger ages.
The middle-90’s Disney era is definitely off the hook because signs of children thinking “skin” and becoming excruciatingly horny predates the days of Britney, Justin, and Christina wearing mouse ears.
Chapter One: Drink a Shitload of Milk.
In Better Off Dead (1985), Badger Meyer was courting chicks in his bedroom long before ever having to think about trimming the hedges to make his house look bigger. If you recall, he cut out all of the coupons on the cereal boxes….and what goes with cereal I ask you???
MILK!
Scores of people have surely been wondering about the recent epidemic of female teachers getting it on with their much younger male students? It’s not the apples that get you to the “head” of the class.
Milk is a staple of the school lunch!
Schools are conflicted.
All I’m saying is that something aint right here. I even find milkmen totally disturbing.
I don’t know. There’s just something a little “off” with these dudes. Maybe it’s the Hogan’s Heroes hat.
I’m just glad that I can’t stand the taste of it. It’s dirty shit that comes out of dirty animal nipples. Pasteurize it all you want. I’m an American who watches the news, so I get my calcium elsewhere.
Aloha.
Uno! The e. in c. of this here blog-o-sphere and myself are intolerant to the evil lactose, so we can relate. Milk is sick and wrong. It’s Satan’s sperm germs. There are many, many ways to get calcium now, they put that shit in everything from sugarless gum to heroin (it’s true!). Besides, who needs mlik when you’ve got the delicious Tab Energy Drink at your disposal. Here’s to Taurine and caffeine!
Milk is delicious and nutritious. I’d suckle direct from the cow, given enough Lactaid tablets.
Besides the obvious “hormone” schootheory, I’ve heard that excessive television watching may also be causing our little moppets to go through… um…. growth spurts. Something about the flickering on the screen.
Other speculation vis a vis the premature boobyfication of youngsters states that with the lack of strong male figures in a lot of girls lives, evolution has decided to pick up the slack by making them curvier and sluttier earlier as to attract and hold on to a mate sooner.
And no, I ain’t siteing shit.
ps I also cannot tolerate the lactose very well. But, I do adore ice-cream. So, there.
but the milk lobby is just too powerful, churning its way into the halls of government (run mostly by people who seriously resemble it, after all)–
no one will listen. they won’t. we first took this fight to the streets in the late 60s, in one of the heroin revolts. we tried to prove that every drug addict alive started out on milk, but no, the cow-apologists said, it was the GRASS, not the milk that led to the problem. they wouldn’t listen then, they won’t listen now. sigh.
Funny. Ney, downright hilarious!
Love your writing. On a scale of one to teats, it’s an 11.
I’ll be back always…especially on those when I’m out of Xanax.
Enjoyed it!
Laurie Kendrick
Thanks Laurie. Bakes is a funny funny dude. I’m so glad he let me use his piece.
Bakes is one of the reasons I can stand to get up in the morning. He never fails to deliver a ton of laughs while compelling readers to think. Hopefully, this will not be the last time he graces these digital pages.
Soy: Are you saying you wake and bakes? lulz