Ration Reality

A few days ago, I dragged my ornery ass out of the bed. Yes, I do that occasionally. I pissed, completed my daily minimum hygiene rituals, put the dog out, and finally sat down at the PC with a Diet Coke and a smoke.

It’s a good life.

I groggily checked my email, a few of my favorite blogs, and myspace.
Oh, a new message from my new bestest bud Soogat!

Gee, I wonder what sweet, clever observations she has for me today.

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From: Soogat
Subject: Dear Bagel,

Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ]

Body: Dear Castrating Harpy,

By the time you read this, I’ll be hocking your jewelry. I’m sorry for doing this but, it fulfills my sadistic fantasies. I know this might comes as a bit of a shock to you – especially because I’ve been hiding at the bottom of a jug of Gallo. But I’m sorry – I just need hot sex with someone who isn’t a human potato sack. I think you’re swell, but I don’t think we’re right for each other. First of all, we’re not compatible. You’re a Scientologist, and I’m beyond that. You like boudoir role-playing, you eat noisily, and enjoy defrauding the elderly, and I don’t like confessing my love for any of these things. Your favorite movie is Glitter, and your favorite band is The Partridge Family. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said “Round”. Anyway, I want to date everyone at your firm. But you know what? I still want to be stalked. We can totally live on opposite coasts . We had some good times, or so it looks on the videotape (even though I’m passed out) . But please, don’t get all John Wayne Gacy like last time. That means no spiteful genital tattoos. And look – I won’t even make an issue out of the $1,000 you owe me, or the fact that you punched my grandmother. So take care of yourself – and good luck.

Peace Out,

Soogat

P.S. I’ll love you forever. Call me next week..

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Um. WTF!?
I read the first half with my mouth agape. Did she send this to the wrong person? Does she know someone else who she calls Bagel? Did she misunderstand me when I said I ‘like’ her? Soogat, dear friend, I’m a married lady!

The second half I read whilst rolling on the floor, laughing my sweet ass off, having remembered her blog entry The Dear John Letter — An urban legend???
Glad we got that cleared up!
Always a true friend, I headed off to the trusty Dear John Letter Generator and clicked up a loving reply.

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From: The Bagel of Everything

Dear Gonorrhea Geyser,

By the time you read this, I’ll be maxing out your Visa. I’m sorry for doing this but, OK, I’m really not. I know this might comes as a bit of a brain aneurysm to you – especially because you’re too buried in porn to notice. But I’m sorry – I just need freedom. I think you’re totally keen, but I don’t think we’re right for each other. First of all, we’re not compatible. You’re a German Scat Aficionado, and I’m vastly superior to you. You like declawed rodentia colonics, you eat mayonnaise-based salads, and enjoy televised sports, and I don’t like one of these things. Your favorite movie is Anything Steven Segal, and your favorite band is C&C Music Factory. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said “Greenish blue-brown”. Anyway, I want to date someone with the same sticky groinal parts as me. But you know what? I still want to be acquaintances. We can totally have hot sloppy booty calls . We had some good times, or so you told me . But please, don’t get all John Wayne Gacy like last time. That means no botched suicide attempts. And look – I won’t even make an issue out of the $100 you owe me, or the fact that you dissected my Dalmatian. So take care of yourself – and irrigate that chancre.

Stop Calling Me,

Bagel

P.S. Your box is nasty stank.

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Oh joy! to have a friend who appreciates my love of Generators.
These point and click treasures can be hard to find.
Here are a few of my favorites. Enjoy them!

Victorian Sex Cry Generator
I can feel your prodigious engine stirring in the very centre of my vitals!
Oh delicious deliriums! I lay pleasure-drench’d and spent.
Let me touch your breasts, finely plumped in flesh but withal so round, so firm!
Ah, let your fingers play and twine in the young tendrils of silky down that cover’d the very seat of my womanhood!

Funny Mean Name Generator
tard-fisted peepit
frog-encrusted meatguzzler
poo-speckled baconbitch
nancy-stained titjuggler

Bush Speech Generator
You have to see this one!

Jesus Christ Son Lord Sign
You’ll probably goto hell for playing with this one, but you’ll be laughing your evil ass off all the way down!

Advertising Slogan Generator
A Smooth-Running Bagel Of Everything is a Relaxing Experience.

Movie Quote Generator
No, Mr. Bond, I expect bagel of everything to die.

Story Generator
Bagel was friends with Soogat in China and got locked in a freezing cold meat locker for no reason at all and a heated argument arose. Bagel just dodged three ninjas, she felt a sudden ray of hope and to the surprise of the audience she failed the mission and the bad guys made it away with the gold. All her friends in MySpace never believed in this story.